


Coupure Électrique

by lscar123



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jerejean in the mountains with the other Trojans because team bonding, Kinda, M/M, Slow Burn, following fluff with all those tags am i right?, i really am so terrible at summaries, nothing will be worse/more graphic than the books themselves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-10-15 20:07:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 58,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10556956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lscar123/pseuds/lscar123
Summary: Jean and Jeremy spend the holidays together and learn more about each other than they ever could have imagined.





	1. don't hurt yourself

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello! i've kinda been dying to write a jerejean story for a while now so i finally made myself do it because i love these two dumb boys so i hope you enjoy it and i look forward to comments/kudos/ect and you can look forward to terribly translated french 
> 
> anyway this is kinda just a prologue/test chapter i wrote to try and get myself in touch with the characters and where they were when i start the story so it might be a little rough and only briefly touches on what the entire thing is going to be about soooooo

  **un**

_don't hurt yourself_

 

Jeremy sat on the edge of his desk as his anxious mind spun in circles. His eyes drifted from his own bed next to him, ruffled and unmade from last nights sleep, to the bed on the other side of the room that sat perfectly made and untouched from the previous night. Jean, apparently, had never come back to their room last night. Jeremy had tried to stay awake the best he could last night to try and wait up for his roommate but he lost the fierce battle against sleep somewhere around 1am and he was paying the price for it this morning.

As a yawn escaped his mouth Jeremy leaned backwards to stretch out his sore back and run a hand through his sandy hair. His back ached with tension about Jean and pain from where his spine collided with the side of the goal during yesterday evenings practice. He had just decided to pull a shirt over his body when he heard the door to the bathroom click open from down the hall. His entire body stilled as he listened to the padding sound of footsteps make their way across the hardwood floor of the suites hallway and pause just outside the door to the bedroom. Jeremy's head was still tangled in the shirt when the door swung open and he heard a scoff come from the same direction.

“I believe that is the hole for your arm and not your head, Jeremy.” Jean's smooth voice floated through the room and up to Jeremy's ears, his accent sounded somehow even more pronounced this morning.

Jeremy let out a huff and removed the shirt entirely to try for attempt number two. He hoped that the shirt made it back over his head in time so that Jean didn't notice his cheeks flush from embarrassment.

“Congratulations,” Jean deadpanned, “You have conquered the shirt.”

Jeremy was silent as Jean moved towards his own closet and began to pull out his outfit for the day. He was draped in a towel that hung precariously low on his hips and Jeremy's eyes purposely avoided the 'M' that was cut into Jean's shoulder blade and long scarred over. Instead, he traced a bead of water that rolled down the other boys shoulder, across the muscles of his back, and disappeared into the towel at his waist. Jeremy shook his head, now was _not_ the time.

“I didn't hear you come back last night after practice...” Jeremy trailed off.

“I was not aware that I had a curfew.” Jean said with his head still in the closet.

Jeremy turned around to absentmindedly flip through a text book before he replied, “You don't, I was just worried about you. I'm your captain, I'm allowed to worry.”

Jean hummed in acknowledgment and Jeremy kept his back turned as Jean spoke, “I could not sleep. I came back shortly after practice but could not deal with...so I went for a run around campus. I fell asleep on the couch when I returned.”

“Oh,” Jeremy said, “I'm sorry. You could have grabbed me, I would have gone with you.”

“Thank you for the offer, Jeremy, but I did not want to wake you.” Jean said softly.

Jeremy heard the sound of a zipper closing and figured it was safe to turn around. Jean stood in front of him in a dark pair of jeans with his shirt still off. Jeremy had stopped paying attention to the scars across the other boys torso a few months earlier when it was clear that Jean did not like people looking at them for too long. He watched as Jean pulled on a black shirt and ran a hand through his still damp hair before shaking it out.

“It would have been cool,” Jeremy smiled sheepishly, “I was awake anyway. Besides, you know that you can wake me up any time you need anything.”

“I appreciate the offer.” Jean nodded, “The bathroom is free for you.”

Jeremy stood for a moment and studied Jean's face, making a note of the dark circles under his eyes, before grabbing the towel that was hanging off of his closet door and heading out of the shared room. He pretended not to notice when Jean stepped an extra few feet away from him when Jeremy passed him to get out of the room. He let out a low sigh when he was halfway down the hall and he couldn't stop the frown that tugged at the edges of his mouth.

Jeremy knew that as much as Jean liked to pretend that he was fine, he wasn't. You don't room with someone for half a year without learning to recognize when something is wrong with them. Jean had spent the past four nights sleeping practically anywhere but his bed in their shared room. He'd found him asleep on the couch in the living room, dozed off with his head against the breakfast bar in the kitchen, and slumped against the arm of the couch in the Trojan's rec room at the court. And that was just naming a few places. He just wished Jean would talk to him because at this point the only thing that his brain could rationalize was that Jean didn't want to be around _him_.

The last few months had been rough but Jean never seemed to shut him out like this. He'd woken up to his fair share of muffled sobs coming from Jean's side of the room, he'd talked to the other boy for hours into the night to keep his mind off of dark memories that threatened him. So far the only thing that had changed was Jean finding out that Jeremy was gay thanks to Alvarez and a bottle of whiskey.

It wasn't that he was hiding it from Jean, he just didn't know how Jean would react and he wanted him to settle into life at USC before they had any kind of sock-on-the-door conversation.

Alvarez, on the other hand, had decided on a booze filled trip down memory lane, “Jeremy, remember that time we walked in on you with Alex on your lap while you were ripping his shirt off? That shit was fucking funny. Whatever happened to him? He was so fucking cute, I miss him.”

Alex had cheated on him with a swimmer, a fact that a sober Alvarez would know. But that didn't matter, the only thing he was was the quirk of Jean's eyebrow after Alvarez had finished her reminiscing. He didn't want it to look like he was hiding it from Jean or that he was ashamed and he certainly didn't want it to seem like he was lying. It was all just a powder keg of shitty disaster bullshit.

So when Jean decided the next day that he would rather go on his evening run alone it set off warning bells for Jeremy. No matter what had happened between the two of them during the last few months that always decided to go on an evening run together. It started as an effort to keep Jean from getting lost on campus but even as the days went on and Jean became more and more familiar with USC and mapped out his own routes he had always asked Jeremy if he wanted to come with him and Jeremy always said yes.

Now , four days after Jean found out he was gay, it seemed clear as day that there was an undeniable change in their dynamic. Jean didn't want to run with him and hell, Jean didn't even want to sleep in the same bedroom as him. Jeremy instantly went back to his childhood and he could feel every single terrible thought he had about himself when he was growing up. _You're a faggot. No one will want to be your friend. You're not right. You're not supposed to be like this_.

He swallowed the lump in his throat as he pushed his way into the bathroom and leaned against the sink. He took a moment to stead himself with the breathing exercises his therapist had taught him for moments like this as he repeated to his reflection in the mirror, “You're fucking perfect the way you are.”

He knew most of the reason he was so worked up over the possibility of Jean having a problem with his sexuality stemmed from his own struggles with his when he was younger and he was reasonably sure that Jean wasn't some kind of homophobic asshole but even the slightest bit of lingering doubt threatened to destroy his brain. He let out another sigh and pushed himself off of the sink and stepped back out into the hallway. His therapist had told him time and time again to not keep things bottled up so he decided that he would rather face this problem head on and deal with the fallout in the moment instead of letting it eat away at him until he broke.

Jean had left their room and Jeremy found him sitting at the breakfast counter of their small kitchen, his eyes briefly flicked towards Jeremy as he stepped into the living room, “That was not a very efficient shower.”

Jeremy shook his head and rocked back and forth on his heels before finally biting the bullet, “Jean...can we talk about something?”

Jean raised an eyebrow and stopped his fork in mid air before setting it back down against the rim of his bowl. He pushed the bowl of fruit away from him and leaned slightly forward, “What is wrong, Knox?”

“I don't know how to say this,” Jeremy sighed, “So I'm just going to ask you flat out.”

Jean nodded and Jeremy couldn't detect any trace of animosity in his sharp features.

Jeremy took another deep breath before speaking, “The other night Alvarez said something about me and one of my ex-boyfriends. Does that bother you?”

“Does it bother me that you have an ex that Alvarez talks about?” Jean asked as his face twisted in confusion.

“No,” Jeremy shook his head, “The boyfriend part. Does it bother you that I'm gay? I didn't say anything when you moved in and it's not like I'm ashamed of it or anything but I just didn't want you to feel weird about anything so I decided not to say anything which in retrospect might have been a bad idea and maybe if I had just said something at first you wouldn't hate me or something and we wouldn't have to be having this conversation and oh god I fucked everything up, didn't I?”

Jean blinked at him a few times before shaking his head, “Breathe, Jeremy.”

Jeremy pressed a hand into his face and let out a low groan, “God, I'm rambling. This is so stupid. Forever I said anything,”

Jeremy turned to walk back down the hallway and lock himself in the bathroom when Jean's voice from behind him made him stop, “Knox! Why are you asking such a dumb question?”

Jeremy turned slowly to see Jean leaning against the edge of the counter now with his arms crossed over his chest, “Dumb question?” Jeremy muttered.

“Yes,” Jean sighed, “Very dumb. I do not care about that and it makes no difference in how I see you as a captain or as a roommate.”

“Oh,” Jeremy sighed, “Sorry. I just, well, you've been acting off for the last few days and you haven't really seemed like you wanted to be around me and I've tried to give you your space. I just assumed it was because I was gay and you didn't want to like, associate with me or something.”

“That is not it and I am very sorry if it seemed that way. This time of the year hold very difficult memories for me and I prefer to be alone sometimes. Specifically these last few days...I just did not want to have another person sleeping in the same room as myself.” Jean looked down at the ground with his arms still crossed over his chest.

Jeremy could see the tension in Jean's shoulders even from across the room and he was mentally kicking himself for being such a self-involved asshole. Jean had been through unimaginable hell and there was no telling what this time of the year did to him and Jeremy wouldn't even entertain the thoughts of what Riko Moriyama would consider a Christmas present.

“Sorry,” Jeremy frowned, “I didn't mean to make it all about myself.”

“You had no way of knowing,” Jean relaxed placed his bowl in the dishwasher, “I have had time over the last few days to make peace with everything.”

“OK.” Jeremy nodded. He wasn't entirely sure what to say since he felt like his foot was already firmly wedged in his mouth.

“Jeremy,” Jean called again as Jeremy tried for the second time to retreat back down the hallway, “Would you like to join me at the gym?”

“Now?” Jeremy asked.

“If you have no other plans.” Jean shrugged.

“Are you sure?” Jeremy raised an eyebrow.

“I asked.” Jean shook his head and Jeremy was pretty sure he caught the slightest of eye rolls.

“Sure,” Jeremy smiled, “Let me go change into something more gym friendly.”

 

 


	2. here's my invitation baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first part of this chapter really should have been the end of the first chapter but i didn't write it until after I posted it so now it's just the beginning to this one

**deux**

_here's my invitation baby_

 

Christmas was never a good time for Jean. Christmas was not filled with happiness, with comfort and joy, or with presents. It was a time of the year filled with pain. Burning hot pain. And hands. Hands all over his body. No, Christmas at The Nest was not a time to be celebrated. Not when Riko was was in charge and not when Jean's body was the present.

That was why, almost a year removed from The Nest, when the time of the year rolled around Jean wasn't entirely sure what to do. He knew, objectively, that he was safe. He knew that the blades and burning and the hands and the touching were gone. He knew that he no longer had to worry about who Riko would let into his room or worry about saying the wrong thing and incurring the wrath of Riko himself. He knew that he was safe. But it still didn't stop the memories. Or the nightmares.

Every time he tried to set foot in the room he shared with Jeremy the images flashed across his mind and he couldn't bring himself to step through the door. It wasn't Jeremy, it was the darkness. The first night that he opened the door after Jeremy had already gone to bed he stood at the threshold and blinked into the abyss of darkness that looked back at him. The room was a swirling black hole of uncertainty and he couldn't help but wonder if someone other than his roommate was waiting for him on the other side. So he didn't go in and he didn't sleep.

He sat in the living room of the suite all night and gazed out the large bay windows at the campus below him. He sat motionless for close to seven hours until Jeremy woke up and left for class. Only then did Jean dare enter the room and sleep for 45 minutes before his first class after he locked the door behind him. The habit kept up for close to a week. Every night he would look into the black hole that was his room and he couldn't find it in him to step across the boundary and into the unknown.

The entire time he honestly never thought of what Jeremy was thinking. Jeremy Knox, much to Jean's displeasure, was always perpetually understanding. He knew when to back off, to not push, to not ask for answers when Jean woke up screaming in the middle of the night and begging invisible hands or blades to stop. Jeremy just _knew_ and sometimes it pissed Jean off to no end. There were times when he wanted someone to ask, he wanted someone to grab him by the shoulders and shake him while screaming WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU if only because that was what he expected. But as he was learning, Jeremy Knox always defied expectations.

The morning when Jeremy finally asked him what the fuck was going on Jean was entirely unprepared for the words that came out of the other boys mouth. Jean thought that if he had the ability to let out a genuine laugh left in his body he would have when Jeremy asked him if Jean had a problem with him being gay. It wasn't a nice thing to phantom laugh about but it was so god damn surprising that Jean couldn't help but feel amused at the thought. As if _he_ would have a problem with someone being gay when he himself had spent the last 21 years of his life trying to turn attention away from his own sexuality. He had been keeping his own desires and feelings tapered down in for his entire life in an attempt to protect himself and the idea that Jeremy was doing the same thing because he didn't want to make _Jean_ uncomfortable was too...something he didn't know how to translate from French to English. It was too something.

He wasn't ready to come out to Jeremy or anyone else yet but just knowing that his always understanding roommate and captain was in a similar situation to him for the first time in his life eased a burden on his shoulders and he knew that for the first time in almost a week he would be able to take the step into the darkness of their room.

 

-

 

Jeremy was a high strung mess as he filled out the last answer of his semester exam. His entire body was shaking with nervous energy and he was dying to finally step outside of the classroom and into the winter break. It had been a particularly stressful semester between school, Exy, and trying to help Jean adjust to California and he was more than looking forward to having a month off to help recenter himself. More importantly, he was looking forward to the annual Trojan Timeout that would be taking the team to the mountains for a week of fun and team bonding before everyone went back home for Christmas. Their flight left tomorrow and he couldn't be more excited to leave the beaches of California behind and fly to the snowy mountains of Colorado. Well, no, he could be more excited. He'd be a hell of a lot more excited if Jean was coming with them.

He tried not to take it too personally because Jean already had standing plans to stay with Renee Walker during the Christmas break and she was far too good of a friend to Jean for him to turn her down in favor of willingly spending time with the entire team outside of school. Jean had softened, if you could call it that, to Jeremy, Laila, and Alvarez but the rest of the team still left him feeling too boxed in and overwhelmed. Jeremy assumed that Jean had only warmed up to Laila and Alvarez simply because they were always around Jeremy and you almost couldn't have one without the other.

The period ended and Jeremy rushed to the front of the class to deposit his exam with the professor and then hustled himself up the steps of the lecture hall and out of the door that led to the hallway. He stopped in his tracks when he came face to face with the 6'3” shadow that stood opposite from him.

Jean was leaning against the wall with one arm and he was dressed, as usual, in all dark colors and had his face buried in his phone. His tattooed cheek was facing Jeremy and he could instantly tell that something was wrong with him. First, because Jean only ever met him outside of class when he was having a bad day. And second, because Jeremy had become quite attuned to Jean's minor changes in facial expressions. Right now there was a slight crease between his eyebrows and Jeremy knew from experience that this line only showed up when Jean was distressed.

“Hey, man,” Jeremy smiled, “I didn't expect to see you here. Have you been out here long?”

“ _Non_ ,” Jean muttered in french as he pushed his phone back into his pocket, “My french exam ended only a short while ago.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes and fell into step next to the other boy, looking up at Jean's face while they walked, “I still think you taking that class is scamming the system or something.”

“There is nothing that says I cannot take a language class just because it is my first language, you take an _English_ clash.” Jean sighed.

“That's not the same thing, Jean.” Jeremy smiled.

“I am aware, Knox. That was a joke.” Jean glared but Jeremy swore he caught the tug of a smile play on the edge of his lips.

Jeremy let a wicked smile play across his face before stopping in the middle of the hallway and coughing loudly, “Excuse me, everyone! I would like to formally announce that today, December 13th at 3:47pm, _the_ Jean Moreau made his first joke!”

A riotous round of applause broke out in the hallway, surprising both boys, and Jeremy looked to his left to find Jean's usually pale skin flush with embarrassment, “Jeremy, do not do that!”

“No way!” Jeremy laughed, “This is a momentous occasion! It needs to be shared with everyone!”

Jean shook his head and let out a low growl before grabbing Jeremy by the belt loop and dragging him down the hallway by force, “Thank you! He'll be here all week!” Jeremy laughed to the crowd as he allowed himself to be drawn away by Jean.

“I really do hate you.” Jean sighed when they were finally clear of the building.

“Keep saying that and maybe you'll believe it one day.” Jeremy winked and held his smile as Jean rolled his eyes for a record breaking 15th time, “It got your mind off of whatever you're upset about through, didn't it?”

“Upset?” Jean blinked, “ _Quelle?_ ”

“You only ever come find me after class if you're in a bad mood.” Jeremy smiled, “Wanna talk about it over coffee?”

“I did not know I was that predictable.” Jean muttered as he once again fell into step next to Jeremy.

Jeremy smiled and led the way to the campus coffee house, “ _Je vous connais._ ”

“Once again,” Jean sighed, “Your accent is terrible and you do not know me, Jeremy.”

“Would it be so terrible if I did?” Jeremy asked, “You should know by now that I'm always going to be here.”

“You will not always be here, Knox. You are leaving at the end of the year.” Jean's voice was flat as they walked across the campus.

“And with any luck I'll sign to a team here in the state, hopefully local, and I'll be around for another year to bother the shit out of you.” Jeremy grinned as they stepped into the coffee house. The bell above them dinged and Jeremy couldn't help smiling even wider, he fucking loved bells above doors.

“You would stay for me?” Jean asked, his voice so low that Jeremy almost didn't hear it.

“Well, yeah,” Jeremy shrugged, “Plus my family is near by and I honestly can't bare the thought of fucking off to some other state and leaving my mom alone with three kids still in the house. Plus, I'd miss my dog too much.”

“Ah,” Jean nodded, “Of course. How silly of me.”

“Silly?” Jeremy cocked his head to the side, “What do you mean?”

“Never mind, Knox.” Jean shook his head, “What god awful thing will you be ordering today?”

Jeremy studied him for a moment and ran through the last few minutes on conversation in his head in attempt to try and find where Jean thought he went wrong. He came up blank and then tried to wrack his mind to see if there was something he was missing in the subtext but Jean broke his concentration once again, “Your order, Jeremy.”

“Oh,” Jeremy laughed, “Um, lets see, I'll have a double vanilla iced coffee with a triple shot of espresso and extra cinnamon and chocolate syrup swirl.”

“ _Merde_ ,” Jean sighed, “I will have a black coffee.”

“ _Merde_ ,” Jeremy mocked him as he pulled out his wallet.

“I am paying.” Jean interrupted him by placing his credit card in the cashiers hand

“It's cool, man, I've got it.” Jeremy tried to force his card on the girl but Jean leveled him with a icy glance and Jeremy shoved his wallet back into his pocket with an indignant huff.

They stood to the side in silence as they waited for their drinks to come up. When the girl placed the drinks on the counter in front of her Jean gave her a soft smile and muttered something in french. The girl seemed to stop moving entirely and Jeremy could see the stars in her eyes. He hoped he didn't look like that whenever Jean surprised him with a kind word or two in french. He pretended not to notice the girl tear off a chunk of his receipt and jot her number down on it before handing it back to Jean. He took a sip of his just sweet enough coffee and turned to find them a table before he could see what Jean did with the girls number.

He let out a puff of air as he took his seat next to the window and waited for Jean to join him. Maybe Alvarez was right, maybe he did need to re-download Grindr or something. No, he shook his head at the thought, that one time was too much of a nightmare and that guy still wouldn't stop texting him.

“Are you going to be drinking iced coffee in Colorado?” Jean asked as he pulled out his chair and sat down opposite of Jeremy.

“Maybe,” Jeremy shrugged, “Are you going to be drinking black coffee all break long with Renee and her mother?”

Jean frowned and shook his head as he turned towards the window and his steel gray eyes focused on something in the distance, “No, I will not be.”

Jeremy leaned forward and let his hand cautiously drift over to Jean's side of the table, “Hey, what's wrong?”

Jean's eyes flicked towards Jeremy's hand but otherwise he didn't acknowledge it, “I just spoke to Renee, apparently Allison Reynolds' brother has gotten sick and she asked Renee to accompany her home for Christmas since she has not seen her family in years.”

“Oh, shit,” Jeremy frowned, “I'm sorry, man. Is she gonna be gone the whole break?”

Jean only shrugged, “She said she cannot make any guesses as to how long she will need to stay with Allison.”

“Sorry, Jean. I know you were looking forward to spending time with her.” Jeremy realized his hand was still awkwardly in the middle of the table and he cringed internally before drawing it back to his side of the table.

“Yes, I was.” Jean sighed, “Her mother offered to let me stay with her during the break since I have nowhere else to go.”

“Oh,” Jeremy blinked, “I didn't even think of that.”

“That is actually why I wanted to talk to you,” Jean mumbled, his voice low and soft and Jeremy almost couldn't understand what he was saying with his accent, “I was wondering if your invitation to the mountains was still...”

“Extended, valid, available?” Jeremy smiled, unsure if Jean's sudden drop off was due to nerves or a language barrier.

“ _Oui_ ,” Jean nodded, “Yes. All of those.”

“Do you even have to ask?” Jeremy grinned.

“I am asking now, Jeremy.” Jean deadpanned.

“Yes!” Jeremy laughed, “God, yes! You are more than welcome. In fact, I'm kinda glad.”

“Really?” Jean raised an eyebrow.

“Well,” Jeremy stuttered, “Not about Reynolds' brother, that's terrible, but about you coming with us. I didn't know what I was going to do if I was apart from you for so long.”

Jean was apparently taken aback mid sip of coffee and he choked on his hot liquid, “What?”

“I, uh, wow,” Jeremy could feel his cheeks growing hotter, “I mean, like, I don't know, I've seen you every day for like half a year and it would be weird to not see you at all for over a month.”

“I am sure you would have survived.” Jean rolled his eyes.

“I don't know,” Jeremy shrugged, “I shudder to think what I would do without any of your wonderful comedic timing.”

“I hate you.” Jean glared.

“Keep saying it, bud, keep saying it.” Jeremy winked.

“ _Merde_ ,” Jean mumbled before taking another sip of coffee.

Jeremy fished his phone out of his pocket and opened up his group chat with Laila and Alvarez and sent off a text about Jean's new plans.

 

**Me:**

**So...**

 

**Me:**

**I have great news!**

 

**Alvarez:**

**You finally got some dick?**

 

**Laila:**

**Sara, honestly!**

 

**Me:**

**I refuse to dignify that with a response**

 

**Alvarez:**

**So that's a no**

 

**Laila:**

**You're such an asshole**

 

**Laila:**

**What is it, Jer?**

 

**Alvarez:**

**Say that to my face!**

 

**Laila:**

**I'm literally sitting right next to you and I literally just said it to your face**

 

**Me:**

**Anyway**

 

**Me:**

**Jean is coming to Trojan Timeout!**

 

**Laila:**

**Shut up!**

 

**Alvarez:**

**You do know that you're the only one who calls it that, right?**

 

**Alvarez:**

**Also, holy shit???**

 

**Me:**

**Fuck off**

 

**Me:**

**And yes! We're having coffee and he just told me!**

 

**Laila:**

**So he's sitting in front of you and you're just texting?**

 

**Alvarez:**

**Wow, Jer. Rude as shit.**

 

**Me:**

**Oh. Oops.**

 

**Laila:**

**Ask him if he's down for a shopping trip, I know tall dark and broody doesn't have anything appropriate for the mountains.**

 

**Alvarez:**

**Oh my god**

 

**Alvarez:**

**Please say yes!**

 

**Alvarez:**

**Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaase say yes**

 

Jeremy rolled his eyes and placed his phone back on the table, “Hi again.”

Jean took another sip of his coffee and glared at Jeremy, “Hello.”

Jeremy laughed and ran a hand through his hair, “Sorry for being, and I'm quoting Alvarez here, rude as shit.”

“You have told the girls?” Jean asked.

“Yup,” Jeremy nodded, “Which means by now the entire team knows.”

Jean let out a deep sigh as he sunk down into the black wire frame chair, “Wonderful.”

Jeremy grinned and took the straw from his drink in his teeth and chewed on it for a moment for speaking again, “They were also wondering if you were down for a group shopping trip?”

Jean's only reply was another raised eyebrow.

“Unless you already happen to have an entire weeks worth of serious winter gear just lying around the dorm.” Jeremy smiled.

“ _Merde_ ,” Jean whispered, “Only the girls?”

“Only the girls.” Jeremy promised.

“I am making you buy me a very expensive jacket.” Jean glared as he pushed himself back from the table.

Jeremy let out a loud laugh and stood next to Jean, linking his arm with Jean's at the elbow. He was pleasantly surprised when the other boy neither flinched nor made a move to push him away, “Anything for you, _mon amie_.”

“Terrible accent,” Jean groaned as they stepped out of the coffee shop and made their way towards Jeremy's bright yellow truck and Jeremy tried his best to hide his smile over the fact that Jean let their arms stay linked until they separated to get into the truck.

 

-

 

Jean could still remember the first time Jeremy had ever offered to hug him. He didn't know what to do with himself when the other boy looked at him dead in the face after he woke up screaming one night and asked him if he wanted a hug. Jean could still remember Jeremy looking at him and waiting for an answer, paused in mid air as he was unwilling to touch Jean unless he actually wanted it. That night so many things that Jean had never experienced wrapped up into one confusing package. For the majority of Jean's life touch had meant pain, be it the touch of Riko's blades or Riko's rough palm around one of Jean's fingers before he broke them with his bare hands. Touch this seemingly intimate, especially in a dark room, brought about other unwelcome memories that Jean refused to face in that moment.

The most surprising of all, Jean eventually realized later, what that Jeremy had asked. He was so used to people taking what they want from him without question that he had no idea how to feel about someone _asking_ if they could touch him. Whenever Jean thought about that moment, and he thought about it quite a lot, he always settled on the fact that Jeremy actually asked as the reason that he silently nodded as yes.

If he really tried to think about it he could remember how Jeremy felt when they embraced. Neither boy wore a shirt to bed and Jeremy didn't feel the need to put one on before he knelt at Jean's bedside. He could still feel the warmth of Jeremy's skin pressed against him. Jeremy's body was always so warm and every time Jeremy touched him Jean waited for his skin to crack like porcelain exposed to an open flame.

Jean could still feel the prickling of Jeremy's chest hair against his own smooth body and Jeremy's rough calloused hands as they rubbed a calming circle into the middle of his shoulders. He could feel Jeremy's warm breath on his ear as he whispered to Jean that he was safe and that he was never going to be hurt again.

Jean realized then that maybe he liked a comforting touch at certain moments. He had told Jeremy as much the next morning and Jeremy, being the human puppy dog that he was, took it as an open invitation to shower Jean with casual contact any time he felt it appropriate. A grounding hand on the back of his neck, a friendly pat on the shoulder , or, as of a few minutes ago, an arm linked together at the elbow. After being deprived of genuine human contact for so long it was something warm and safe that he savored.

Some days were worse than others and Jeremy always knew when to keep his distance. Sometimes, even on a good day, Jean didn't feel like being touched and he would either stop Jeremy before it began and simply shake his head no and the other boy would back off and smile as if nothing ever happened. Jeremy Knox was full of surprises and Jean honestly wanted to hate him for it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jean will start having scenes that are more than just him being in his head thinking about bad stuff soon, i promise! (aka next chapter)


	3. i've seen you falling in and out of things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think once i get more comfortable with writing these two the chapters will get longer but for now im trying to keep them as focused as i can since i tend to just ramble when i write sometimes, once the actual trip takes place they should get longer

**trois**

_i've seen you falling in and out of things_

 

“You ready for this?” Jeremy asked Jean as he made the final turn into the shopping complex. Jean watched his as he turned the wheel with one hand and pushed his horn rimmed glasses up the bridge of his nose. Jean was pointedly not thinking about how good his captain always seemed to look in those glasses, especially when he kept a few days worth of stubble before shaving.

The car pulled into the complex and Jean immediately saw Laila Dermot and her girlfriend, Sara Alvarez, perched on the trunk of Laila's classic baby blue mustang convertible.

Jean was, without a doubt in his mind, entirely sure he had made a mistake when he agreed to go shopping with Jeremy, Laila, and Alvarez. No sooner than the moment Jeremy had parked his obnoxious truck in a space close to the front of the store was his door wrenched open to reveal a very excited Laila.

“Hello, Laila.” Jean said.

“Hello, Jean,” Laila smiled, her dark and curly hair was drawn up in two puff balls on her head and Jean could still see the strands of purple that Alvarez had put in it one night when she was bored, “I had to see this with my own eyes.”

“I am here,” Jean sighed, “Though I am beginning to reconsider.”

“Too late now, Jean Valjean,” Jean groaned as he heard Alvarez before she appeared behind her girlfriend, “You're stuck with us now. I'm going to have so much fun with this.”

“Jeremy?” Jean looked to the drivers seat for an ally and Jeremy only shrugged as he slipped his glasses off of his face and placed them gently in their case before reaching over and depositing the case into the glove box, his hand brushing Jean's knee as it returned.

“Time to put the _Misérables_ in-” Jean cut Alvarez off.

“If you must constantly make French references will you please learn something other than that musical?”Jean sighed as he unbuckled his seat belt and exited the truck.

"That's the only french thing I know," Alvarez shrugged, "Teach me more and I can change it up from time to time."

“Very well,” Jean nodded, “If you can manage to not drive me insane then I will read to you _La Petit Prince_ in it's original language before you go to bed every night.”

“Shit,” Alvarez grinned, “Jer was right, you are budding into a little comedian.”

Jean raised an eyebrow, “I was being serious.”

Alvarez stood frozen and blinked at him a few times before Laila took a position behind her and wrapped her hands around her girlfriends waist, “Say thank you, sweetie.”

“Thank you, sweetie.” Alvarez smiled, “I just might have to take you up on that offer.”

“Remember, you must not annoy me.” Jean said.

“For how long?” Alvarez challenged.

“Until I am satisfied,” Jean shrugged.

“Who don't you ever read to me in french?” Jeremy whined.

Jean turned to find Jeremy leaning against his truck with a sarcastic frown on his face. It made Jean's lip twitch up in the corner, but only slightly, “Because you've never asked.”

A surprised look seemed to cross Jeremy's face but before he could open his mouth to speak Alvarez interrupted him, “You should read to us all around the bonfire when we're wasted! The look on Kyle's face when he tries to process a foreign language after 10 shots would be fucking gold.”

Laila tapped the crown of Alvarez's head before combing her fingers through her girlfriends dark brown hair, “This mind is a dangerous thing.”

Alvarez winked before leaning her head backwards and nuzzling it against Laila's collar bone, not moving it until she got the kiss she was waiting for.

“Wrap it up, ladies,” Jeremy laughed, “We need to get this guy over here some serious winter gear.”

“Do you really have nothing for the mountains, Jean?” Laila asked.

“The heaviest thing I have is the sweater of Jeremy's I stole.” Jean nodded. He gave a quick glance to Jeremy and was satisfied by the scowl the other boy was giving him.

“My favorite sweater.” Jeremy mumbled.

Jean's lip twitched into a small smile again as he thought of the hideously bright yellow sweater that hung in his closet now. He'd only taken it one morning by accident because it was surprisingly cold out and he didn't have one of his own. He quickly found that he quite linked the soft feeling of the sweater and how the sleeves were just long enough to hang over his knuckles and hide their slightly scarred and shifted positions. He ended up keeping it without telling Jeremy until almost a month later when the other boy saw him wearing it. He was surprised when Jeremy told him to keep it and that Jean wore it better than him anyway.

“Alright,” Laila smiled, it was a soft smile that always reminded him of Renee, “It shouldn't be too hard to find everything you'll need. The lodge will have all the right equipment for almost everything to rent so we just need to get you a heavy coat or two and a few other things to keep you warm.”

“Lead the way, ladies.” Jeremy smiled as he swept his arms out in front of him in a ground gesture.

The girls twined their fingers together and walked in front of Jeremy and Jean, swinging their clasped hands between them as they walked. Jeremy hung back and fell into step directly next to Jean.

“Did you mean it?” Jeremy asked, his voice almost in a whisper.

“Mean what?” Jean asked as he turned his head towards Jeremy.

Jeremy was silent for a moment, as if he was rethinking what he was about to say, “That you would read to me in french if I asked you to?”

“Of course,” Jean said, puzzled as the why Jeremy would think he would offer to do something so odd without meaning it, “I'm not sure you would understand but I have plenty of French translations of American books that I could read.”

“I might take you up on that offer, Moreau.” Jeremy smiled as he lightly placed a hand on Jean's shoulder.

Jean's lips twitched again and for reasons he didn't quite understand he hoped that Jeremy actually would ask him one night.

 

-

 

The interior of the store was all earth tones and alternating green and brown. The walls were painted with murals of forests and large stuffed bears stood watch in every corner of the store. It was an odd place, Jean thought. He'd never been in an outdoors store before so he wasn't sure if this was the normal standard or if his teammates had brought him to the weirdest store on purpose.

“Sign says the heavy winter stuff is this way,” Alvarez pointed in the direction of a large blue mountain that was painted on the far wall and set off in that direction.

Jean weaved his way through the various sections of the store, following closely behind Jeremy as to not get lost, and he never expected to be led straight through the hunting section. Before he realized what was happening the selection of items around him changed from stuffed woodland creatures to glass cases filled with large hunting knives and other sharp bladed tools.

Jean first caught the unmistakable glint out of the corner of his eye and balled his hands into a fist, digging his short nails into his palms. He tried his best to block out the memories by closing his eyes as he walked, using Jeremy's voice as a guide while he talked to their teammates ahead of him. His closed eyes resulted in him running into a glass case that came up to his waist. The loud crash reverberated through his bones and echoed across the entire store, he knew there was no way Jeremy wasn't standing at attention now. The blow to his midsection toppled him off of his feet, suddenly Jean was on his hands and knees and as he opened his eyes he came face to face with a blade he would never forget.

Sitting in the middle of the display, illuminated by a string of lights above it, was a blindingly silver blade, the same exact knife that Riko preferred to use on him. Jean never thought he would see the blade again, assuming it was something custom and one of a kind, if he wasn't so caught in the memories of the blade dragging across his chest or being held at his throat while Riko let the senior team members pile upon him he would have been amused, maybe even slightly offended, that the great Riko Moriyama had used a wholesale knife on him.

But Jean was far from amused, his eyes held the blade in high definition. He could see the gray of his vacant eyes reflecting at him off of the surface of the polished blade, taunting him almost, begging him to remember the pain that it's sibling had caused him for years. He could feel the drag of the knife as it was pressed into the back of his shoulder, he could feel the way the blade cut the M into his flesh, forever branding him Moriyama property. Jean's throat began to close up but his limbs were locked into place, he was stuck on his hands and knees, hypnotized by the memories.

Suddenly, the face of Neil Josten crept it's way into his mind. Jean attributed those memories to the approaching anniversary of Josten's vacation to Castle Evermore. He could still hear Neil's screams in his head, the way Neil whimpered when Jean patched him back together every single night.

“Jean?” A soft voice whispered, “Jean, it's me. It's Jeremy. Come back to me.”

Jean blinked rapidly for a few seconds, his dry eyes thanked him as he realized he hadn't blinked in minutes. Jeremy's voice was low, almost a whisper, like he didn't want anyone else to hear what he was saying. He could fee the heat from Jeremy's body radiating next to him, the boy was close but he wasn't touching. Jeremy never touched Jean when he found him like this and Jean was always grateful, he didn't want the violence that always raged inside of him like a wildfire to burn Jeremy.

“You're in California with me, come back to me, Jean.” Jeremy repeated and Jean tried desperately to reach out to his words, hoping they were tangible so he could ground himself on them, “They can't hurt you anymore.”

“They can always hurt me,” Jean rasped, surprising even himself that he was able to speak.

“Not while I'm here,” Jeremy whispered, “I won't let them.”

Jeremy Knox, always the defender. Jean wished he could hate him, he wished he could take those words and make them hollow and meaningless. But he knew, he fucking knew that Jeremy Knox would never tell a lie. He wanted to resent the boy.

They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity. Jean was unable to move but finally, mercifully, he was able to speak again, “That blade, it is the same as Riko's.”

“Jean,” Jeremy said softly, “Can you look at me?”

Jean used every ounce of strength in his lean body to turn his head, screaming at his locked muscles and tendons to move. Finally, his gaze caught Jeremy and his watery blue eyes were the exact opposite of the dangerous weapon.

“Riko is gone, he will never hurt you again.” Jeremy said, his voice a resounding promise, as he looked Jean dead in the eyes.

Jean instinctively reached out and clasped Jeremy's hand in his, it surprised both of them but Jeremy melted into the touch, loosening his fingers so Jean could thread them between his, “Demons never die, Jeremy.”

Jeremy gave him a soft smile and squeezed Jean's hand in his own, “But you can always fight them, Jean.”

"I am trying," Jean whispered, "So hard. 

 


	4. yellow diamonds in the light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i really like this chapter

 

**quatre**

_yellow diamonds in the light_

 

Jeremy leaned against the large window and looked out at the planes that were both leaving and landing on the runway. He felt the familiar prickling of anxiety on the back of his neck as he tried to come to terms with the fact that he would soon be in a metal tube flying in the air. He fucking _hated_ planes, which was unfortunate because he fucking _loved_ going places that planes took you. Briefly, and only briefly, he toyed with the idea of driving to Colorado instead of flying but Laila put a quick stop to that by telling him he'd never driven in snow and would probably end up broken down and lost in the wilderness and forced to reenact scenes from The Revenant. He let out a low sigh and began to pace back and forth in front of the departures gate.

Jeremy ran a hand through his hair and continued his decided path, placing one foot in front of the other, until Jean spoke, “Stop pacing, Jeremy.”

Jeremy looked up and saw Jean reclined in one of the plastic seats, one arm draped over the side of the seat next to him and the other holding open a french translation of The Great Gatsby. “I am not pacing,” Jeremy huffed, “Go back to your book.”

“It is hard to concentrate when you keep drawing my eye.” Jean hummed and turned the page of his book before wrapping his arm back around the head rest of the seat next to him.

Jeremy turned away in an attempt to hide his blushing skin and chewed on his lip. He was being absolutely juvenile, he thought, and acting like a stupid school girl but he couldn't deny that sometimes Jean's words had an intense power over him. He huffed one final time before dragging his feet against the blue tile of the airport floor and falling into the seat to the left of Jean, pointedly not sitting in the one to his right that Jean's arm rested on.

Jean looked up from his book and gave Jeremy a small smile, so small that unless you know exactly what you were looking for you would never notice it in the first place, but Jeremy always noticed.

“Thank you,” Jean said, “You are anxious, _non_?”

“Gee,” Jeremy shrugged, “What gave it away?”

Jean snorted and his eyes returned back to his book, Jeremy watched him as he read and smiled when he realized Jean's lips were moving, mouthing along to the words in french as he read. Jean looked back up at him, “You will be fine. The plane will be fine.”

“Really?” Jeremy laughed, “How do you know?”

“Because,” Jean said, placing the book down on his thigh, “I refuse to believe a plane will kill me after everything I have survived.”

“Oh,” Jeremy whispered, the wind was taken out of his sails, how could he reply to something like that with his own paranoid theories about plane crashes, “What seat are you in?”

Jean lifted his book back into his hands and picked up his bookmark from the seat next to him, sliding it in between the pages of the book before placing the book back into his carry on bag. Jeremy smiled when he realized it was the same bookmark that he had bought Jean as a joke after the passionate speech Jean had given him one evening about how you should never dog ear the pages in books.

“I'm sitting next to you,” Jean said as he reached his arms above his head to stretch them out. Jeremy did not look at him as his shirt rode up and revealed a faint trail of hair on his lower abdomen or the jagged scar that cut across it.

“How do you know?” Jeremy laughed.

“Because,” Jean said, “You were sitting next to Hannah but I asked her to switch seats with me.”

“Really?” Jeremy gaped, “Why would you do that.”

“I'm sorry,” Jean raised an eyebrow, “Would you rather have sat next to Hannah? I can go find her and trade our tickets back to each other.”

“No!” Jeremy protested, perhaps a bit too much, “I was, uh, just curious.”

“I have been on six flights with you since moving to California and you have been a mess on each one of them, I have never sat next to you and I want to see if perhaps I can help you in the same way that you help me sometimes.” Jean gave Jeremy a slightly bigger, but entirely more hesitant smile.

“Shit, Jean,” Jeremy said, almost breathlessly, “That's, wow, thank you.”

“ _A_ _bsurdité_ ,” Jean waved his hand in the air, “Thank me when I've done something.”

Jeremy's mouth stretched out into a full grin, “You already have.”

Jean opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by a woman's voice coming over the airport speakers calling for their flight to begin boarding.

Jean reached out and placed a delicate hand on Jeremy's shoulders, “You are welcome.”

 

-

 

Jeremy gave Jean the window seat, he couldn't deal with looking out and seeing the ground so far below him and though Jean would never admit it out loud Jeremy knew that he liked being able to look out and see the land below and the clouds along side them. It was the perfect compromise.

Jeremy was on his second vodka tonic by the time the plane reached cruising altitude and it prompted an amused huff from Jean, “What?” Jeremy asked.

“Jeremy Knox, the lush.” Jean hummed.

“I am not a lush!” Jeremy countered, “It just settles me when we fly.”

Jean huffed again, “I'm beginning to see why Kevin is in love with you. A man after his own heart.”

“Kevin?” Jeremy gaped, “Don't be stupid, Kevin isn't in love with me!”

Jean's head slowly turned towards Jeremy and Jeremy could see a hint amusement sparking behind those gunmetal eyes, “Are you always this oblivious?”

“Jean,” Jeremy groaned, “Come on, Kevin has a girlfriend, it's just a man crush, he isn't in love with me.”

“Hm,” Jean mumbled, “I'm fairly confident that if you were to tell Kevin at this moment that you wanted to run away with him he would break up with Thea before you even hang up the phone.”

“Now you're just patronizing me,” Jeremy rolled his eyes, “Besides, Kevin and I would never work out together.”

“Oh,” Jean raised a single eyebrow, “And why is that?”

Jeremy let out a small laugh, “Listen, I love Exy, but I also love other things too. Exy is Kevin's life and I just couldn't be with someone I had to compete for that top spot with!”

Jean seemed to consider his words for a minute before leaning in to whisper, “If you listen closely you can hear the sound of Kevin's heart breaking.”

Jeremy let out a loud cackle, completely taken aback by Jean's humor, and several heads turned to look at him. He instantly flushed under the judgmental glares of the older people around him and sunk into his seat.

“Jeremy! Shut the hell up!” Alvarez's voice boomed from a few rows in front of him. Laughter broke out around the plane and Jeremy sunk even deeper into the seat.

Jeremy's embarassment began to subside as the buzz from the alcohol kicked in. He could feel his limbs loosening and his body becoming wamer, but he also thought that could have just been the solid comfort of Jean's presence at his side. He would sneak the occasional look at Jean out of the corner of his eye and find the boy either deep into his book or looking out the window in fascination, Jeremy was fine with either view. Realistically he knew that he needed to get these thoughts about Jean out of his head because nothing would ever happen between them. They were friends and getting closer every day but Jeremy knew they would never be anything more. Still, it couldn't hurt to just look, right?

An hour into the flight they hit their first bout of turbulence. Everything had been fine so far, the plane had been flying smoothly through the sky and Jeremy naively thought that maybe this flight would be different. He was relaxed back into his seat and listening to his music when the plane began to shake. His body instantly went rigid and he closed his eyes as he balled hist hands into a fist. He could feel his nails digging into his own palm and he knew that any minute now he would draw blood from them, a terrible habit he'd carried with him since childhood.

The plane shook again and a wave of panicked murmurs rolled through the cabin. Jeremy plucked the earbuds out of his ears and tried to take a deep breath and count backwards from 100, a technique his therapist had taught him. He didn't make it further than 95 but the time the plane shook again. He could feel the sweat forming on his forehead and his palms were slick with nervous sweat.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Jeremy mumbled to himself, “No, no, no, no.”

“Jeremy!” Jean whispered, “Jeremy! Look at me!”

Jeremy couldn't bring himself to look at Jean, the window was still open and seeing the blue sky alongside them made his stomach churn, “I can't, the window, I don't want to see out of it.”

Jean was silent for a moment and Jeremy heard the screen pull down over the window, he felt a gentle hand, rough with callouses, slide under his chin and softly turn his head. He found Jean looking back at him, “You are going to be fine.”

“You don't know!” Jeremy snapped as the plane shook again, it was lasting far longer than Jeremy had ever remembered before.

“You asked me months ago to trust you, Knox.” Jean said, “Do you remember? You found me sitting in the corner or out living room, rocking back and forth and crying. You held out your hand and told me to trust you.”

Jeremy nodded frantically, “I remember.”

“Then it is your turn to trust me,” Jean said, “Trust me when I say that everything will be fine.”

Jeremy took a few deep breaths and sighed, “OK.”

“Good,” Jean said, “Now give me your hand.”

Jeremy looked down at the arm rest between them and found Jean's arm upturned, the palm of his hand facing upwards and his fingers slotted open. Jeremy took a deep breath and placed his hand over Jean's and let his fingers fall into the space between the other boy's. Jean slowly closed his fingers and applied a gentle pressure to Jeremy's hand.

Jeremy closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat, the plane had seemed to stabilize and he felt like it was becoming easier to breathe. Still, Jean refused to let go of his hand. Instead, Jeremy found that Jean now leaned a little closer to him, close enough that their shoulders were pressed together. Jeremy opened his eyes just as Jean used his free hand to reopen his book to where he had left off.

“ _Elle l'avait dépassée, au-delà de tout.”_ Jean began to read from the book out loud, his voice low enough so no one else around them could hear but loud enough so that Jeremy would hear every word perfectly. He had no idea what Jean was saying but he couldn't deny the comfort it brought him.

“ _Il s'était jeté dedans avec une passion créative,”_ Jean continued reading, his voice smooth as silk as it washed over Jeremy, “ _En ajoutant à tout le temps, la décorer avec toutes les plumes brillantes qui ont dérivé son chemin.”_

Jeremy squeezed Jean's hand, mostly subconsciously, and almost melted when Jean squeezed back. He could feel the goosebumps prickle all over his body. Jean continued to read and the combination of the alcohol, the anxiety, and the soft sound of Jean's voice began to lull Jeremy to sleep. His head felt heavy and the last thing he remembered was Jean's voice as his head fell to the side and rested against Jean's shoulder.

“ _Aucune quantité de feu ou de fraîcheur ne peut contester ce qu'un homme va conserver dans son cœur fantomatique.”_

 

-

 

Jean spent the reaminder of the flight far more content than he ever would have imagined. It took him a moment to realize that Jeremy had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Their hands were still clasped together and he didn't want to risk waking his captain by trying to free them so he held Jeremy's hand for close to two hours. Jean eventually discovered that it was almost impossible to turn the page of his book with one free hand and as he struggled to balance it against his lap while using his index finger to turn the page the book slipped off of his jeans and fell to the floor. The only way for him to get it would have reqired waking Jeremy and he was unwilling to do that, even if the other boy had started to drool on his shoulder.

“ _Holy shit!”_ A voice, Alvarez, Jean recognized instantly, gasped as he walked past, “Jean, this is the most adorable thing I've ever seen.”

“Quiet.” Jean whispered, “You're going to wake him.”

“This is so fucking pure,” Alvarez grinned before turning back into the aisle, “Laila! You need to get up here!”

Jean sighed, Jeremy was not going to be thrilled about this. He was going to be even less thrilled when he realized that Alvarez had taken her phone out of her pocket and taken a picture of them both.

“What, Sara?” Laila groaned, “I was watching a movi-oh my god.”

Laila clapped her hand over her mouth and took a step forward. Alvarez looked at her and grinned, sharp and bright, as she rested a hand on her girlfriends shoulder, “Tell me you've never seen anything as cute as this.”

“This is like one of those videos you see online,” Alvarez stuck out her lower lip in exaggeration, “About how, like, a puppy lost its family and then it was adopted by a polar bear or something and now they love each other and live happily ever after.”

Jean glared at her, “I assume that I am the polar bear in this scenario?”

“Whatever you are it's fucking adorable,” Alvarez cooed, “This picture is so going in the group chat.”

Jean sighed as he watched her and Laila both take multiple pictures of them and then rolled his eyes at Alvarez's satisfaction at sending the photo in one of her group chats. Jean's phone buzzed a few moments later and he was able to pull it out of his pocket without waking Jeremy. He found he had a text from Laila and when he opened it he realized she had sent him a copy of the photo. She must have taken it when he wasn't looking at either her or Alvarez because in the photo his eyes were only on Jeremy and there was an expression on his own face that he didn't think he'd ever seen before.

“I figured you might like that one,” Laila smiled, “You know, for the memories.”

“I, uh,” Jean stammered, “Yes, thank you, Laila.”

Laila nodded with a sweet smile and hooked her arm around Alvarez's waist, “Come on, babe. Let's get you out of here before you wake sleeping beauty.”

Jean watched Laila and Alvarez disappear down the aisle before turning his attention back to his phone. He looked at the picture more intently this time, zooming in on his face to try and figure out what this phantom expression was. It was honestly something he had never seen before, he scrutinized every detail before letting out a long sigh and giving up hope on figuring it out. Maybe it was just an awkward angle. Regardless, Jean saved the image to his phone and opened up his message thread with Renee. He hesitated for a moment before he attached the photo and sent it to her without a caption. He didn't really know why he was sending it to her other than to possibly show her that all her hard work with him wasn't being wasted. He might not be perfect and he might not be whole but at the very least he could let someone sleep next to him without worrying what they would do to him when they wake up. Jean's phone buzzed a few minutes after he sent Renee the photo.

 

 **Renee** :

Is that Jeremy? :)

 

 **Me** :

Yes. He fell asleep on the plane. Dermott took the photo.

 

 **Renee** :

Don't let Kevin see, I don't think he would ever recover.

 

 **Me** :

It is just for you.

 

 **Renee** :

:)

 

 **Renee** :

You look happy, Jean.

 

 **Me** :

Thank you.

 

 **Me** :

I think I am. Sometimes.

 

 **Renee** :

I'm proud of you. You don't know how good that makes me feel.

 

 **Me** :

I am proud of me too.

 

 **Me** :

Message unable to send.

 

Jean frowned and looked at his phone closer. He saw that he lost service just before his last message to Renee. He ended up feeling better about that, he wasn't sure he was ready to admit that he was proud of himself for the strides he had made in the last year. He wasn't sure he was allowed to feel that way yet.

Jean opened the photo one final time and zoomed back in on his face. Renee had said he looked happy, was that what the foreign look was? Happiness? Jean had never truly been happy, he couldn't recall a single moment in his 20 years of life where he was honestly happy. Was that why he couldn't recognize the look on his face? Because he had never seen himself happy before? The seat belt sign pinged and Jean locked his phone before sliding it back in his pocket, whatever the look was he silently admitted to himself that he liked it and wouldn't mind seeing more of it.

Jeremy stirred at the commotion around him. A few moments later her jerked away, his head shooting off of Jean's shoulder and his hazy eyes looking around as if he had forgotten where they were. His eyes flicked down to his and Jean's hands that were still held together. Jean opened up his own fingers and allowed Jeremy to pull his hand back.

“What...what happened?” Jeremy mumbled.

“You fell asleep.” Jean said, “Put your seat belt on, we're landing soon.”

“How long was I out?” Jeremy asked, rubbing the back of his head.

“Most of the flight,” Jean said, “Did you know you drool?”

“I do not!” Jeremy protested mid yawn.

Jean looked at him with a leveled stair before he pointed at the patch of drool on his own shoulder. Jeremy reached up to his own face and wiped away the trail on the corner of his mouth, “Oh my god, I fell asleep on you?”

“ _Oui_ ,” Jean said.

“Why didn't you wake me up!” Jeremy laughed, slightly awkwardly.

“You looked comfortable,” Jean shrugged, “I figured you would rather sleep than worry about the plane.”

“Shit,” Jeremy sighed, “That couldn't have been comfortable, I'm sorry. You must have been bored out of your mind.”

“It was...” Jean trailed off, “Not unpleasant.”

“Oh,” Jeremy whispered, “Well, thanks. I guess you kept me calm after all.”

“I told you I would.” Jean said simply.

“Will,” Jeremy hummed nervously, “Do you think you could sit with me whenever we fly out for games now?”

“Of course, Knox.” Jean nodded, “If you think it will help.”

Jeremy smiled and knocked their shoulders together before adjusting himself in his seat. He pulled out his phone and Jean smirked in anticipation, “Why do I have so many messages from the group chat?”

“I haven't the slightest idea,” Jean said, his voice light and airy.

“Oh my...” Jeremy gaped, “I'm going to kill her.”

Jean let out a dry laugh, “She was very excited when she found us.”

“Alvarez!” Jeremy shouted out into the plane.

Jean could see her head turn in her seat that was a few rows in front of them, she winked at Jean, “I see Sleepy has been replaced with Grumpy!”

“Laugh now!” Jeremy yelled, “Wait until we get back to practice and we'll see who's laughing then.”

Jean saw the girls eyes go wide and he gave her his best pitying look, she glared at him before slumping in her seat.

“Sorry,” Jeremy said, “I know the picture is embarrassing.”

“I don't mind it,” Jean confessed, “I don't have that many photos of myself aside from official team pictures. Laila sent me a copy of it.”

“Oh,” Jean could see Jeremy blush, “Well, if it doesn't bother you then it doesn't bother me.”

“I sent it to Renee,” Jean added, “She said it would break Kevin's heart.”

“All the more reason to like it then,” Jeremy winked, “Hey, uh, this may be weird but...”

Jean raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“Well, you know that photography is my major, right?” Jeremy asked.

“Yes,” Jean nodded, “It is hard to miss that expensive looking camera all the time.”

“It was second hand,” Jeremy said, almost defensively, “Anyway, would you mind it, uh, I took some pictures of you this weekend?”

“Um,” Jean said, shocked, “Like?”

“I don't mean like...modeling or anything,” Jeremy laughed, “But you said you don't have pictures of yourself and...I don't know, it was dumb to ask.”

“No, Jeremy, it wasn't,” Jean said, the offer surprised him but it also let back in that odd feeling of warmth he'd found comfort in since getting to know Jeremy, “You can take photos if you want.”

“Really?” Jeremy smiled.

Jean only nodded.

“Awesome,” Jeremy grinned, “You won't even know I'm there! Promise!”

Jean shook his head, somehow he doubted that.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the english translation for the part of gatsby jean read is 
> 
> "It had gone beyond her, beyond everything. He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time, decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way. No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart."
> 
> legit no idea if the french translation even makes sense because i just put it through google translate but oh well


	5. we're driving slow through the snow

 

 

 

 

**cinq**

_we're driving slow through the snow_

 

Jeremy's blood felt like it was freezing in his veins the second he stepped off of the plane. No one told him that he should have packed a coat in his carry on bag because, apparently, it was common sense. It should have come as no surprise that someone who was affectionately dubbed captain sunshine would have a problem with near freezing temperatures.

“ _Franchement_ ,” Jean rolled his eyes, “Even I knew to pack a coat in my bag.”

Jeremy glared at Jean, which lost all it's intensity as Jeremy struggled to overcome his shivering, “We can't all be as smart as you, can't we?”

“The entire team brought a coat in their carry on, Jer.” Laila said softly.

“We're inside the airport!” Jeremy protested, “Inside as in not outside in the snow, so why is it so fucking cold?”

“Because you are a warm blooded creature of habit, Knox.” Jean shook his head, “Have my coat.”

Jeremy already had his hands up in protest as Jean began to shrug off his coat, “No, Jean, seriously. It's f-f-f-fine, I'll just deal until my bag comes up.”

Jean ignored Jeremy and soon Jeremy felt Jean's presence behind him before the down coat was draped over his shoulders. Jeremy instantly felt the warmth return to his body and sighed with content. He fought the urge to wrap himself in Jean's coat and instead began to pull it off and thrust it back towards Jean, “I'm not taking your jacket!”

“Just wear it, Jeremy. Until your bag comes up.” Jean pushed the jacket back at Jeremy.

“I'm not going to let you freeze to death because of me!” Jeremy protested.

Jean took a step forward and crowded himself into Jeremy's personal space, he leaned down and Jeremy could feel Jean's warm breath his his face, “The cold does not bother me much, stop being difficult and wear the coat please, Jeremy.”

Jeremy let out a long huff of air and bit back a smile as Jean wrinkled his nose as the sudden sensation before he relented and slid his arms through Jean's coat. The coat was at least a side larger than Jeremy's and it swallowed him whole. The arms continued on well past his hands and he laughed when he caught sight of himself in the reflection of the window, “I look like a kid playing dress up.”

“You do look rather stupid,” Jean agreed, “But it fits you.”

Jeremy laughed and raised an eyebrow, “Was that a compliment or an insult.”

Jean narrowed his eyes as if he was in deep thought before he ran a hand through his hair, “I will let you decide that.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes and Jean smiled, it was small but Jeremy felt the warmth spread in his chest. Alvarez popped up behind Jean a short moment later and laughed when she took in the sight of Jeremy.

“Interesting fashion choice,” Alvarez crooked her head to the side, “I like the statement it makes, _'I'm Jeremy Knox and fuck your fashion rules'_ ”

“ _Capitaine du soleil_ forgot to put a coat in his carry on,” Jean shook his head.

“Figured it was yours,” Alvarez grinned, “Jeremy Knox would never willingly wear an all back coat.”

“I'm right here!” Jeremy protested.

“Yes, we can see you.” Jean nodded before he turned back to Alvarez, “I'm sure Jeremy's coat is an obnoxiously colored yellow monstrosity.”

“How'd you guess?” Alvarez laughed.

“Children,” Laila scolded, “Stop making fun of Jeremy.”

“Thank you,” Jeremy huffed, “I don't know why I'm friends with you awful people.”

“Because you'd be hopelessly lost without us,” Alvarez offered, “And bored.”

“My ego would take less hits,” Jeremy laughed, “It would even out in the end.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Alvarez grinned as she hooked her arm through Laila's, “C'mon babe, I'm craving some hot chocolate.”

Laila whispered something, and if Jeremy knew them as well as he thought he did he'd wager it was something profane, and Alvarez blushed as she led Laila off towards the waiting Starbucks. Jeremy rolled his eyes and turned back to Jean who was staring out the window and watching the snow fall. He looked lost in thought and Jeremy made sure his footsteps were as loud as possible so Jean would hear him approach.

Jean turned just as Jeremy reached his side, “You don't have to wait with me, there are other Trojans for you to visit with.”

Jeremy furrowed his brow, “I know, but we're all going to be together for an entire week, they can wait, I don't mind hanging with you until our bags come.”

“We live together,” Jean sighed, “I'm sure you've had your fill of me, I don't need to be babysat.”

“Alright,” Jeremy frowned, “If you'd rather be alone that's cool, I'll come find you and give you your coat back when mine comes.”

Jeremy lingered for a second before turning his back to Jean and taking a few steps. Jeremy was startled when he felt a strong hand on his shoulder and Jean spoke, his voice low, “Wait, I'm sorry. You don't have to go. I was just thinking about the last time I saw snow.”

“Oh,” Jeremy said softly, “Bad memory?”

Jean shrugged, “A memory before a bad memory.”

Jeremy chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, “Wanna talk about it?”

Jean didn't answer at first and Jeremy was ready to abandon the subject but Jean caught him off guard by answering, “I was in an airport last time, funny enough. I was sent to pick Neil Josten up from the airport before...before he spent winter break at Evermore.”

“Josten did what?” Jeremy's eyes went wide. He remembered the stories about Josten possibly spending the break with the Raven's but this was the first time he'd heard it confirmed.

“It's a situation I'd rather not talk about anymore,” Jean's expression was pained in a way that Jeremy had never seen before, it almost looked like guilt.

“We'll make you happier memories on this trip then, yeah?” Jeremy smiled.

Jean seemed to relax at the thought and Jeremy leaned in close and bumped their shoulders together, “I'm gonna kick your ass at the snowman competition.”

“Snowman competition?” Jean blinked, “You cannot be serious.”

“What?” Jeremy challenged, “Afraid _capitaine du soleil_ is gonna kick your little french ass?”

Jean narrowed his eyes, “I am not little.”

“ _Mon petit Jean_ ,” Jeremy teased and he smiled as Jean blushed.

“Your accent is still terrible.” Jean huffed, “ _tu m'embrouilles_ ”

Jeremy was surprised at Jean's french muttering. He'd learned more of the language because of Jean but he still had almost no grasp on it and relied on context clues or previous lines in the conversation to decipher Jean whenever he switched between languages. He had no idea what Jean had just said but he filed it away to ask someone who would know a little bit later.

They stood by the window for what felt like an eternity as Jeremy waited for his bag to appear on the conveyor belt. He could hear the murmurers of other Trojans in the area but his eye was constantly drifting back to Jean who stood with one arm braced against the large window as he gazed out of it. Jeremy was still wrapped in Jean's coat and Jeremy realized he hadn't seen Jean shiver once since taking it off. Jean looked serene as he tracked snowflakes on their trajectory from the sky. He bit back a smile as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and snapped a picture of Jean. Jean turned immediately at the sound of the shutter and looked at Jeremy with a raised eyebrow and Jeremy couldn't resist taking another photo, partly because Jean looked good and partly just to annoy him.

“You said I could take pictures,” Jeremy reminded him with a grin, “Want me to send it to you?”

“If you must,” Jean sighed.

Jeremy laughed and opened up his texts with Jean, biting back a smile as he saw their last conversation where Jeremy had tried to get Jean to use emojis, and sent Jean both the photos. Jean checked his phone the second the text came in and Jeremy saw his eyes flash with something surprising.

“I'm not...” Jean trailed off, “I'm not used to seeing myself like this.”

Jeremy saw that Jean was looking at the first photo of himself staring out the window, “Like what?”

“Relaxed.” Jean replied before locking his phone and sticking it back in his pocket.

Jeremy resisted the urge to walk up to Jean and wrap his arms around his waist. Thankfully he saw his bag appear in front of him and he yelped with excitement at the welcomed distraction. Jean turned just as Jeremy made a line towards his bag and he picked the large suitcase off of the belt and sat it on the chair next to him, popping it open and pulling out his bright yellow coat. He replaced Jean's with his own coat and zipped his suitcase back up before walking back to Jean and handing him his coat. He watched as Jean slipped the coat back on and then Jean's eyes raked over Jeremy's body.

“I knew it would be yellow.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes as he laughed, “C'mon, lets go find the rest of the team and pick up our rental cars. With any luck they'll still have a yellow SUV left.”

Jean groaned but quickly fell into step with Jeremy and they walked to the rental car desk with their arms brushing as they moved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short but i felt like being cute and writing a little bit of snowy airport fluff 
> 
> tu m'embrouilles (hopefully) = you're confusing/you confuse me


	6. have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title and the song in this chapter comes from [dreams](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XecDz-o-KnY) by fleetwood mac, it was basically on repeat as i wrote because its a perfect song and i also may or may not have been inspired by the sing along scene from big little lies when i wrote part of this chapter

 

**six**

_have you any dreams you'd like to sell?_

 

The Trojan's were in a veritable armada that was currently being led by Jeremy in a gigantic four wheel drive SUV. Two more identical vehicles followed closely behind on the snow covered roads, bright lights on as they followed Jeremy's lead through to their cluster of cabins. Each SUV held 8 Trojan's and each cabin would do the same with two team members per room. Jeremy was supposed to have his own room, apparently, since he was the captain and it was his final year but when Jean decided to come Jeremy had told him that he didn't mind sharing a room with him, even after Jean repeatedly told him that it wouldn't be a problem for him to sleep on the couch.

Jean was currently in the passenger seat of the SUV gazing out the window as Jeremy drove. Laila, Alvarez, and another goalie, Kelsey, were in the second row. Laila and Alvarez were tucked close together on the leather seat to 'conserve warmth' and Kelsey was in a deep conversation with the remaining team members in the back row, Jason, Kelly, and Avery. Music filtered softly through the car courtesy of Jeremy's phone, which he connected to the Bluetooth of the vehicle before even turning the heat on and Jean would spare him a few glances here in there to find him singing along to every song under his breath as he looked intently out the windshield to guide the fleet safely to their destination.

Jean didn't want to admit it, mostly because he never had the liberty of saying when he was uncomfortable before and it was still something he was working on, but he was actually starting to get cold. The weather hadn't bothered him at first, especially when they were still in the airport, but when they finally stepped outside and began loading their bags into the car Jean began to felt the cold seep into his bones. His fingers that had been broken dozens of times began to ache, his shoulder that had been dislocated a few times during one of Riko's more enthusiastic beatings felt like it was being pried open and even his twice broken nose hurt from the cold. It was as if the chill found it's way into every cracked surface of his bone and inserted itself only to immediately turn to ice and freeze him from the inside out. Every move his hands made felt like his fingers were breaking all over again.

Jean felt something thump against his foot and it stirred him from the memories of his pain, he looked down and saw Jeremy's phone resting against the toe of his boot, he looked back up at Jeremy to find him smiling, “Sorry, it slipped. Can you grab it for me, don't wanna crash into the snowbanks, ya'know?”

Jean only nodded and leaned down in his seat to grab Jeremy's phone, when he straightened out his fingers it felt like they were breaking all over again, he winced and hissed in pain before he could even restrain his reaction. He picked up Jeremy's phone and handed it back to him with a trembling hand.

Jean looked back at the rest of the group first to check and see if they had caught his slip but he found them all either enraptured in conversation or, in Laila and Alvarez's case, kissing each other. Jean turned his eyes to Jeremy next and found Jeremy's eyes darting between the road and Jean's hands, he was frowning and had his usual concerned look on his face, the look Jean recognized belonged to him.

“I've always heard people say cold effects broken bones,” Jean said, his voice low and almost a whisper so only Jeremy could hear him, “I never thought it was true.”

Jeremy's eyes flashed with anger and Jean knew that it was directed at Riko. Jean had told Jeremy months about the times when Riko broke his fingers and forced him to play with them out of boredom. It was a particularly bad night and Jean had actually woken Jeremy from sleep with his frantic gasps and panting. Jeremy, as was a habit by that night, reached down to rest his hand on top of Jean's in comfort and Jean misconstrued it as an attack, he had recoiled to the other end of the bed and kicked Jeremy in the chest out of panic and fear. He finally told Jeremy one of his many stories that night and Jeremy hugged him for a while after that. Jean thought a few times that Jeremy was close to tears, which seemed irrational because it happened to him and not Jeremy, but he never said anything.

Back in the present, the song changed again and it drew Jean's attention back to Jeremy who's eyes were still alternating between the road and Jean. Jean held up his hand in front of his face, his eyes tracking the scars on his knuckles, before turning it to Jeremy and displaying the crooked lines of his broken fingers that were never set properly.

“Avery?” Jeremy's voice came out sightly hoarse, “Can you reach my bag from where you're sitting?”

“Uh, yeah, what's up, boss?” Avery asked from the back row.

“Unzip the front pocket, there should be a few pairs of gloves in there , pull out the softest ones, the gold and white ones.” Jeremy said, his eyes glancing up into the rear view mirror.

“Cold hands, Jer?” Alvarez joked.

Jeremy didn't reply but Jean saw his grip on the wheel tighten. A few seconds later a pair of gloves were launched from the backseat and landed on the center console between the two of them. Jeremy braced one hand on the wheel as he reached down to grab the gloves before looking back into the mirror to see if anyone was watching. Jean realized that Jeremy was only doing it for Jean's sake.

“Here,” Jeremy said, “Put these on, the material is pretty loose so they shouldn't be too tight even though my hands are smaller.”

“I have my own gloves,” Jean said and he didn't realize it until after that his voice actually cracked.

“I know,” Jeremy smiled, “But I didn't know what part of your suitcase they were in and I figured you'd rather not have anyone else going through your things.”

Jean blinked at him for a few seconds, stunned into silence, before he reached over and lightly took the gloves from Jeremy's hands. They were soft, softer than anything Jean even owned, and he simply felt warmer just by holding them. Jeremy's fingers brushed against his as the gloves changed hands and Jean shivered. He wasn't entirely sure if it was because of the cold.

Jean slid his hands into he gloves and flexed his aching fingers. They were a little tight but it was nothing too uncomfortable, the soft material and the spreading warmth in his hands more than made up for it, Jean looked back at Jeremy and gave him the most personal smile he could possibly muster up, it took him a few tries and he was sure he looked like a fool, but he finally whispered, “Thank you.”

Jeremy swallowed deeply before turning back to Jean, “Any time.”

Jean fell back into his silence as the scenery passed by through the window. They'd been in the car for close to an hour and if their GPS was correct they had nearly another hour left and Jean was starting to get restless. He had nothing to distract himself, he'd forgotten his book in his bag and he didn't know any of the music that was paying from Jeremy's phone through the car. Jean tried to close his eyes, if he couldn't do anything to distract himself he figured he might as well rest of an hour since he knew he would be dragged into whatever Trojan adventure that would begin the second they got to the cabin.

The song changed again and Laila's gasp from directly behind him made Jean's eyes bolt open, “Jeremy! Turn it up!”

Jeremy chuckled and reached down to the dial and twisted it, Jean blinked as the sound level increased and the music began to thump. Jeremy looked back at Jean and smiled, “Laila is obsessed with Fleetwood Mac.”

“I don't know who that is,” Jean admitted with a shrug.

Laila gasped again before leaning forward and turning her neck at an awkward angle so she was face to face with Jean, “You cannot be serious?”

“There was not much music in the nest,” Jean said, “I've heard more music on this trip than I've heard in years.”

Alvarez whistled in surprise from behind him and Laila lightly smacked her on the knee, “They're playing at Dodgers Stadium in the summer, we're getting tickets and you're going.”

“That didn't sound like a question,” Jean said.

“Because it wasn't,” Laila smiled.

“Just go with it, Jean,” Jeremy smiled, “You honestly haven't lived until you've seen Laila dance around in circles with a knitted shawl draped over her shoulders. She gets very into it.”

Jean figured there was no use declining an invitation that was so far away so he shrugged as Laila leaned past him and grabbed Jeremy's phone and started the song back from the beginning.

“Just listen to the lyrics, Jean,” Laila smiled, “They're beautiful.”

Jean nodded, he had no real connection to music but he was close enough to Laila that he valued her opinion. He settled back into his seat and turned slightly so he could see Jeremy and listened to the voice that came through the speakers.

 

 _Now here you go again_  
_You say you want your freedom_  
_Well, who am I to keep you down?_

 _It's only right that you should_  
_Play the way you feel it_  
_But listen carefully to the sound_  
_Of your loneliness_

 

Jean's breath caught as he listened to the words. His chest began to settle into that equally familiar and alien tightness that he still couldn't explain. The words rattled in his head as the song continued and he wasn't entirely sure if he liked the feeling that they were giving him, he felt exposed.

Jeremy looked down at him with a smile and Jean wasn't prepared for what came next. Jeremy opened his mouth and began to sing along to the song, it wasn't the same mumbling of lyrics from earlier but an actual, honest to god, sing along. Jean's breath hitched again as his ears separated Jeremy's voice from the one that came out of the speakers. Jeremy Knox could _sing_.

 

 _Like a heartbeat drives you mad_  
_In the stillness of remembering what you had_  
_And what you lost_  
_And what you had_  
_And what you lost_

 

Jean was completely swallowed by Jeremy's voice. The song still held it's melancholic tone but it seemed safer, less like it exposed him down to the nerves. Jeremy's voice added something that made him felt protected, more like the song was trying to help him and not hurt him. As the chorus of the song settled in Jean was once again taken aback as Laila's voice joined in, followed by Alvarez, and seconds later the rest of the car joined in. Jean sat in a stunned silence as every single voice in the car fell into harmony.

 

 _Thunder only happens when it's raining_  
_Players only love you when they're playing_  
_Say Women they will come and they will go_  
_When the rain washes you clean you'll know, you'll know_

 

Jean watched in awe, completely focused on Jeremy as he continued to sing even when the rest of the car, save for Laila, died out after the chorus. Jeremy and Laila continued on for the rest of the song and their voices together were magical. Jean couldn't turn his eyes away from Jeremy, he watched his mouth as it moved, the way he smiled when he sang particular lyrics, or how he licked his lips in between lines when they began to dry out. Jeremy occasionally looked back at Jean while he sang and it felt intentional on some lines, Jean thought.

The song ended and the entire car broke out into applause, save for Jean who was still in too much shock. Laila smiled and bowed sarcastically in her seat as Jeremy ran an awkward hand through his dusty blonde hair. Jeremy coughed after a moment and tried to bite back a smile as he looked down at Jean.

Alvarez was the first to speak, “Jeremy Knox just sang an entire song, color me fucking shocked.”

Jeremy laughed and seemed to squirm in his seat, “Quiet,” Jeremy blushed.

“Is that out of the ordinary?” Jean asked, absentmindedly.

Laila laughed and leaned forward, “Jeremy has a wonderful voice but he's self conscious about singing in front of people. He normally has to be very, very, very, drunk for us to get him to sing.”

“Laila,” Jeremy blushed again, “Stop.”

“I've never heard him willingly sing like that,” Laila looked at him and winked, “I wonder what on _earth_ could have inspired this confidence.”

Jeremy squirmed awkwardly once again before looking back at Laila with pleading eyes, “Laila, please.”

Jean opened his mouth before he even realized what he was going to say, “I like your voice. I don't know much about music but it is very pleasant.”

Jeremy blushed again and Laila leaned forward and placed a kiss on his cheek before whisper something in his ear that Jean couldn't hear. Whatever it was made Jeremy blush even deeper. Jean was beginning to realize that Jeremy was a very easy person to fluster.

Laila returned to her seat and her whispering with Alvarez and the car returned to it's previous state with the various groups talking to each other. Jeremy tapped along to the next few songs but left the volume raised, “You really like my voice?” Jeremy asked.

“Yes,” Jean said, “My mother used to sing to me when I was younger, before...I haven't heard someone sing in person since then.”

“If you come out with us to karaoke one night I'll sing you something,” Jeremy smiled.

Jean smirked, “Won't you have to be very, very, very, drunk?”

Jeremy shrugged, “Dunno, no one has ever asked me nicely, I may make an exception.”

Jean looked down at his gloved hands and then to Jeremy's own hands wrapped around the wheel before settling back on Jeremy's face, “I may enjoy that.”

Jeremy chuckled and gave Jean another smile before turning back to the road, “We're almost to the cabins.”

Jean was thankful that they were close to their destination but he couldn't help but think that if being in the car for longer meant that he got to hear more of Jeremy singing then he'd suffer through a few more hours of restlessness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> three daily updates in a row...i cant stop writing about these two tbh


	7. i know exactly what i want and who i want to be

 

**sept**

_i know exactly what i want and who i want to be_

 

Jeremy pulled the gigantic SUV in front of the rented cabin after what felt like a decade of driving, something about the snow seemed to warp time and space. He could vaguely make out the lights from the two other SUV's behind him as they pulled up to their designated parking places in front of the other two cabins that entire team had chipped in, some more than others, and rented. The three cabins sat next to each other on the mountain side and Jeremy swore that there was still miles to go from the car door to the entryway of the log cabin. Jeremy rubbed his arms over his jacket and shivered with dread at the prospect of stepping into the show. He looked to the passenger seat and smiled softly when he saw Jean's sleeping form pressed against the window. Jean was bundled in a jacket and his fists were still clenched and wearing the gloves that Jeremy let him borrow.

Alvarez leaned forward to rustle Jean awake and Jeremy shot out a hand to stop her, the last thing anyone needed to see right now was how Jean reacted to being suddenly awoken but someone else's hands. Alvarez raised an eyebrow but Jeremy simply shook his head and nodded for her to get out of the car.

“Jean,” Jeremy said softly, “Rise and shine.”

Jean's nose twitched and Jeremy bit back a smile. Jean stirred a bit but then seemed to pull his coat tighter around his body and sink back into the seat.

Jean,” Jeremy said a bit louder, “Jean, we're here. Time to wake up.”

Jean's eyes bolted open and Jeremy saw the usual hint of fear behind them as Jean processed where he was. Jeremy never spoke when Jean's eyes looked like that, he'd learned over the last few months that things were easier when Jean came to his own conclusions about the safeness of his environment. Jean's head turned slowly until his eyes were locked with Jeremy's and Jeremy gave him a small smile as he saw the tension melt out of Jean's shoulders and his eyes relax back into their usual casual indifference.

“ _Merde_ ,” Jean whispered as he rubbed the back of his head, “How long was I asleep?”

Jeremy drew his brows together to try and give Jean some kind of calculation, “Less than half an hour?”

Jean stretched out and yawned, he must have surprised himself because he clapped a shocked hand over his mouth and held it there for a moment, “I feel like I have been asleep for days.”

Jeremy laughed and stretched out his arms, “It's the snow, I swear it's doing something to the time space continuum.”

Jean raised a skeptical eyebrow before rolling his eyes, “Do not be stupid, Jeremy.”

Jeremy leaned forward so his face was just the slightest bit closer to Jean and he narrowed his eyes, “Mock me all you want, Moreau, but when we're trapped in a time-space anomaly and I'm you're only hope to get out of it then you'll need me.”

Jean seemed to consider him for the briefest of seconds before holding up a single gloved finger and pressing it to the center of Jeremy's forehead. Jeremy went cross eyed as he tried to focus on the finger and was slightly startled when Jean applied enough force to push him backwards. “No more Star Wars for you.”

Jeremy was outraged, “Star Wars has nothing to do with this!”

Jean gave Jeremy the most bored look he could imagine, “Leaving now.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes as Jean opened the door and stepped out into the snow, he bit back another smile as he heard a string of french words that Jeremy could only assume were very profane. A few sharp knocks on the drivers side window stared Jeremy into jumping he he turned to see Laila's face pressed against the glass. Jeremy waved his hand at her to get her to step back so he could open the door.

“Fucking holy fuck shit it's cold,” Jeremy shouted as he hopped out of the car and into the wind and snow, “Please tell me the cabin is warm?”

Laila smiled and nodded, “Sara and I just went to check it out, heat is on and she's already working on the fire place.”

“Bless,” Jeremy hummed as he pulled his hood up over his head to shield his ears from the chill. He followed Laila around to the back of the SUV which was already opened. He found Jean standing off to the side with two bags in his hand, one of them being his own and the other belonging to Jeremy. Jean nodded for him to follow and Jeremy thrust his hands into his jacket pockets to protect them from the cold since he wasn't wearing his gloves. He caught up with Jean in a few steps, Jean's longer legs always gave him an advantage in distance traveled but the snow was hampering his mobility.

“Y-y-you didn't have to grab my b-b-b-bag,” Jeremy chattered.

Jean was silent as they stomped up the wooden steps and came to a stop on the large front porch. Alvarez was guarding the door with her arms crossed, “Stomp off the snow, you're not tracking anything in here.”

“It'll melt, Alvarez,” Jeremy rolled his eyes.

“Exactly!” Alvarez protested, “Then someone will slip on a puddle and break their neck and the entire vacation will be ruined.”

Jeremy knew arguing with her was a lost cause so he proceeded to stomp and kick his boots against the side of the cabin. The combination of the snow and his own shivering caused him to lose his balance and before he knew it his feet were out from under him and he was heading towards the rather uncomfortable looking deck. Just as Jeremy had closed his eyes and resigned himself to his fate he felt a strong hand wrap around his arm and when he opened his eyes he found himself hovering above the ground. He looked up and saw Jean holding onto him with a tight grip. Jean drew his arm to his chest and Jeremy felt his body rise and his legs straighten out.

“Thanks,” Jeremy laughed.

Jean shook his head but his hand remained wrapped around Jeremy's bicep, Jean began to pull him into the cabin, “Inside before you kill yourself.”

Jean didn't release his grip on Jeremy's arm until they were both standing in front of the crackling fire that Alvarez had just brought to life. Jeremy sighed as he settled onto the ground in front of the blazing flames and held his outstretched hands closer so the heat could seep into his body. He felt Jean's presence lower itself and then they were sitting shoulder to shoulder in front of the fire. Jeremy watched out of the corner of his eye as Jean peeled off the gloves and flexed his crooked fingers before holding them towards the fire as well. They sat in a companionable silence for a few minutes as the rest of the team bustled around them. Jeremy didn't mind and he had them all but tuned out, the only things he could hear were the popping of embers and Jean's slow breathing.

“Feel's good,” Jeremy said, his voice low.

“ _Oui_ ,” Jean agreed.

Jean was the first to move, twisting his back to the side to alleviate an ache. Jean grabbed the gloves from the floor next to them and placed them in Jeremy's lap, “Thank you, they helped very much.”

“Don't mention it,” Jeremy winked as he bumped his shoulder with Jean's, “Wanna go find the room?”

Jean nodded and they both stood up. Jeremy took an extra second to stretch his body backwards before his eyes settled on Laila who was perched on the counter of the open kitchen a few feet away, “Lai, where's my room?”

“You're the first door to the right on the second floor, Sara and I are right across the hall from you. The other two rooms are on this level.” Laila smiled as she bit down on another cookie that Alvarez had unloaded in a spread on the counter.

“Great,” Jeremy rolled his eyes as he leaned towards Jean, “A week across the hall from them. Hope you brought your earplugs.”

Jean shuddered before turning his back towards Jeremy and making a line for the stairs. Jean had put Jeremy's bag down and Jeremy leaned to grab his own before following Jean up the stairs. He pushed past two other Trojan's who were already making their way back to the kitchen with bottles of alcohol in hand to set up the bar.

Jean made it to the door of their room first and Jeremy found him paused outside of the door waiting. Neither boy said anything when Jeremy stepped around him to open the door, Jean didn't like to enter unknown places first and Jeremy didn't like to make Jean uncomfortable by pointing that out so he always went with it. Jeremy turned the knob and they both stepped into the room and froze. The room was spacious and inviting, it was obviously the master suite. It also only had one bed.

“Well,” Jeremy laughed awkwardly.

“Yes,” Jean said, “Interesting.”

“It's not a big deal,” Jeremy shrugged, “I'll go see if someone downstairs wants to switch with us.”

“You think they will want to share a bed?” Jean asked as he sat his bag down on the foot of the large bed.

“I don't know,” Jeremy shrugged, “I just figured you wouldn't want to share a bed with me.”

“We're roommates, Jeremy, I sleep a few feet away from you every single night.”

“I guess,” Jeremy said, “I, just, never mind...it's stupid.”

“You think I would not want to sleep in the same bed with you because you're gay?” Jean questioned.

Jeremy felt his skin grow hot and he immediately turned his back towards Jean so he wouldn't see, “That's part of it...I guess.”

“It's stupid,” Jean said and Jeremy heard the bed creak as Jean took a seat on it.

“Maybe,” Jeremy sighed before turning back around, “I was never invited to sleepovers in middle school because none o the other guys wanted the fa-”

Jean's face twisted into something Jeremy didn't recognize, “People knew in middle school?”

“Not officially,” Jeremy ran an awkward hand through his hair, “Middle school kids are assholes. It didn't matter if I'd never said anything, I was just different and that was all they cared about. It's been a hard thing for me to come to terms with even all these years later. My first year here I was so afraid the guys on the team would find out and beat the shit out of me because they thought I was looking at them in the locker room or something.”

Jean looked at Jeremy for a second and Jeremy almost thought the conversation would die there before Jean spoke again, “You don't make me uncomfortable, Jeremy.”

“Thanks,” Jeremy mumbled, “Sometimes I think I just need to hear that. I don't hate myself or anything, really, I'm so comfortable and happy with who I am but it's hard not to fall back into old habits or stuff like that. Especially with you.”

“With me?” Jean asked his face as calm as the rest of his body.

“Uh, I just mean that, I,” Jeremy stuttered, “You're my friend and I value what you think about me.”

“Friend?” Jean echoed.

Jeremy laughed, “Yes, asshole. We're friends. Deal with it.”

Jean glared at Jeremy for a second before softening his eyes, “Whatever you say.”

“You sure you're OK with this?” Jeremy asked again, motioning towards the bed.

Jean sighed, “I already told you-”

Jeremy stopped him, “I don't mean because of me, I mean because I know you like your personal space, especially at night.”

Jean sighed again and fell backwards on the bed, “It is a large bed and I trust you.”

Jeremy didn't need Jean to elaborate on the meaning behind those words. He still didn't know a fraction of the things that happened at the nest but he knew Jean wouldn't do anything he was uncomfortable with, least of all to spare Jeremy's feelings. Jean didn't need to say _I trust you to not cut into me while I'm sleeping._

“You have a preferred side?” Jeremy asked as he opened the drawers to begin unpacking his things.

Jean considered it for a moment, “Left is fine.”

“Perfect!” Jeremy laughed, “I prefer the right side.”

Jean sat back up on the bed and rolled his eyes for the hundredth time, “ _Ça doit être le destin,”_

Jeremy didn't recognize all the words but he was able to pick out and translate one: fate.

 

-

 

Jean was terrified when he first saw the single bed in the room. Jean would never let Jeremy know the real reason for this, the fact that the only times he'd ever shared a bed with a person led to him being held down or the single time that it didn't happen the night was still spent holding a bleeding and broken Neil Josten together. No, nothing good had ever come from sharing a bed with another person.

But then Jean looked at Jeremy and the way his tanned skin stood out against the wooden pillars of the room and saw the way Jeremy agonized over the possibility that Jean may be uncomfortable in the same bed with him and Jean felt his anxiety melt away. He knew in an instant, something that he'd really always known from the moment he met Jeremy, that there was nothing to fear. Jean knew he wouldn't wake up with Jeremy's hands pressed above his head, he knew that Jeremy would rather cut off his own hand than hurt Jean. He knew he could trust Jeremy.

The look of surprise that Jeremy couldn't quite hide when Jean told him as much was almost worth the awkward act of telling him in the first place. Jeremy Knox was never as good at hiding his emotions as he'd like to think he was.

Jean was still worried about the possibilities of nightmares, of not realizing it was Jeremy next to him and not someone else. The bed was a California King, ironically enough, and Jean hoped that it was big enough for the tiny moves that Jeremy made in his sleep to not register. His waking brain my trust Jeremy but he didn't know what his sleeping brain would feel. Still, part of the trust he extended to Jeremy was because Jeremy knew exactly how to deal with his nightmares. Jeremy never touched, never prodded, and only offered soothing words to draw Jean out of the darkness.

But Jean didn't want to think about that right now, he'd spent too long trapped in the darkness of his own mind and he made a silent promise to himself that he was going to try and let the light in on this trip. It was unlike anything he had ever done in his life, as were so many things since he'd come to California.

“Laila just texted me,” Jeremy said as he stuck his head out of the attached bathroom, “She said the rest of the team should be invading downstairs any minute. They've unofficially made this cabin party HQ.”

“Wonderful,” Jean mumbled.

Jean tried to will his brain from the darkness once more. The Trojan's could be loud, annoying, and intrusive but they were his team and he had made Jeremy a not so silent promise to use this week as a way to bond with more members of the team besides just Jeremy, Laila, and Alvarez.

Jeremy stepped out of the bathroom, shirtless and still damp from his shower, as he was running a towel over his wet hair, “I know it's been a long day, I can make an excuse for you if you want to just hang out and decompress and sleep.”

Jean was certainly not paying attention to the way rivets of water trailed down Jeremy's body, he was certainly not tracking the drop that made a path from Jeremy's clavicle, down through his chest that was lightly dusted with hair, and through the valleys of his abs before disappearing into the waistband of his sweats.

Jean blinked for a moment before replying, “Did you not say you wanted me to bond?”

“Well, yeah,” Jeremy laughed as he threw the towel aside and fished a long sleeve thermal out of the chest of drawers, “But we're here for a week, I'm just saying that if you want to take a few hours to yourself I'll cover for you.”

“I appreciate it,” Jean said as he rose from the bed, “But if I sleep now then I will be awake all night.”

“Alright,” Jeremy said, his brilliant smile betraying the fact that he was elated over Jean's response, "Just a warning thought, there's a hot tub and Alvarez is going to try her damnedest to get you in it.”

“ _Je suis vraiment enthousiaste,_ ” Jean deadpanned.

Jeremy flashed his brilliant smile again, “I'm going to take every ounce of sarcasm out of that reply and choose to believe that you actually are excited.”

Jean raised an eyebrow, “You've been studying,”

Jeremy shrugged, “I might have downloaded an app on my phone that gives me a word of the day in french,”

Jean shook his head, “Oh no, soon I will have no way to talk about how annoying you are to your face without you understanding.”

Jeremy laughed and threw his wet towel across the room directly at Jean's face, Jean caught it out of the air and revered the throw back at Jeremy who side stepped it and fell onto the bed, “Have I told you how much more I like playful Jean than angry Jean?”

Jean narrowed his eyes, “I am not playful.”

Jeremy barked out a laugh and clutched his stomach, “You're so fucking playful lately, Moreau! All that dark humor and acerbic wit just makes my heart sing.”

Jeremy mocked him even further by sniffling and wiping away mock tears and Jean resisted the urge to throttle him. He hadn't noticed a change in his personality, he honestly thought he was behaving the same way he had since he arrived. The idea that he could have changed drastically enough for Jeremy to point it out scared him.

“Hey,” Jeremy said softly after he must have realized that Jean spaced out for a moment, “I'm just messing with you.”

Jean swallowed the lump in his throat, “I'm sorry...I just did not realize that I've changed is all.”

Jeremy sat up on the bed, “I wouldn't say changed, you've just opened up more. The Jean I met six months ago would have threatened to gut me for even suggesting he come on this trip.”

Jean thought back to the boy who stood in the airport and compared him to the boy who stood in the room with Jeremy and he had to concede, “Maybe you're right.”

Jeremy smiled, “Can you say that again so I can get it on video?”

Jean turned his back to Jeremy and headed for the shower, he stopped just before he closed the door to the bathroom and looked back at Jeremy who was still sitting cross legged on the bed, “I can still gut you.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes and even Jean had to admit that as far as threats went it was the least threatening one he'd ever given out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today i learned that six in french is six


	8. sometimes i don't want to feel those metal clouds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one quick note, i changed chapter numbering a bit. the prologue is now actually chapter one with a new title and then everything after has been adjusted in the numbering. it was driving me crazy that the title chapters and the page numbers in the fic itself didnt match up. plus, the idea that this story even needed a prologue was dumb in the first place.

 

 

 

 

**huit**

_sometimes i don't want to feel those metal clouds_

 

Jean was slightly surprised to not find Jeremy waiting for him when he emerged from the bathroom after his shower. He was fully dressed and ready to head downstairs and part of him had expected Jeremy to still be reclining on the bed and waiting for him so they could walk down to the party together. It was an entirely selfish thought, Jean knew, but it was something he'd grown to expect from Jeremy over the last few months.

Jean shook the thought out of his head and made his way out of the room. When he stepped into the hall he could immediately hear the sounds from the party downstairs. The amount of Trojan's in the house had tripled and it sounded like it. A cacophony of voices roared above the thumping music and Jean could make out the clinking of glasses and bottles as they collided together in toasts or cheers. He would be lying to himself if he said he wasn't afraid of walking down the stairs and into the party by himself. Well, maybe afraid wasn't the right word...he just didn't want the entire room to stop once he entered as it usually did when he went somewhere without Jeremy. It was always like the rest of the room had to pause for a double take to make sure they weren't seeing things and that _Jean Moreau_ was willingly spending time with them. Having Jeremy by his side always lessened that impact because he was the center of the Trojan universe and everyone gravitated to him when he entered a room. It was a calming presence to have by his side and it was nice. But he was an adult and he was free, he wasn't in the nest, he didn't need to travel with a partner, he could handle walking into a room by himself.

When Jean's foot hit the bottom of the landing he was immediate pulled into a hug by Laila.

There were very few people on the team who could touch him without his permission, three in fact, Laila, Alvarez, and Jeremy. Alvarez wasn't usually the type for physical affection, Jeremy was but it was always more reserved and private, and Laila handed out hugs like they were candy at Halloween. Jean had grown to enjoy Laila's embrace, she was the living embodiment of softness and her hugs were one of the few times he relaxed under the touch of another person instead of going rigid and planning a defense.

“Let's get you a drink,” Laila smiled as she hooked her arm around Jean's neck and led him to the island in the middle of the kitchen that was littered with various bottles of liquor and the three sinks were filled with ice that held various brands of beer. Jean wasn't much a of a drinker, he didn't like to dull his pain behind a bottle like Kevin and preferred to retain control of all his faculties but he knew he was in the relatively safe company tonight so he decided to indulge.

“Vodka and something not sweet,” Jean nodded.

Laila rolled her eyes and let out a small laugh, “One of these days I'm going to get you to drink the most sickeningly sweet cocktail I can possibly create.”

“Only if you agree to clean up my vomit,” Jean scoffed as he filled his red cup with half vodka and half soda water before grabbing a slide of lime and squeezing it into his drink.

“Jean!” Jeremy's voice came from behind them, higher pitched and happier which meant he'd already gotten a few drinks into his system, “There's my best guy!”

“Best guy?” Jean raised his eyebrows, “What has he been drinking?”

Laila sighed, “Malibu and Red Bull, he's so fucking basic.”

Jeremy jammed an accusatory finger in Laila's face, “It's good!”

Jean let out a small huff of a laugh, “The last thing you need is more energy.”

“Rude!” Jeremy glared before his face broke out into a brilliant smile and he shook his head to dislodge a strand of his blonde bangs from his vision, “Alvarez kidnapped me, it's why I didn't wait for you.”

Jean raised a hand to his heart and frowned, “Somehow I survived.”

Jeremy barked out a laugh and clapped a hand to Laila's shoulder, “He's so fucking funny lately, I love it Laila, I love hi-”

“Oh look!” Laila cut Jeremy off and began to drag him away from the conversation, “I think I saw someone over there trying to get your attention.”

Jeremy shrugged and smiled, “Come dance with me later, Jean!”

“I was only in the shower for 20 minutes,” Jean shook his head, “How is his this drunk already?”

“Alvarez may have challenged him to a shot competition once they broke out the tequila,” Laila sighed, “I don't want to say how many they both made it through before I tackled the bottle away from them.”

“You are not drinking much tonight then?” Jean asked as he took another sip of his drink.

“Nah,” Laila shook her head, tousling her dark and curly hair as the glitter that was swiped across the dark skin of her cheekbones caught the light, “Someone needs to make sure Sara doesn't have a repeat of Spring Break.”

Jean actually managed a laugh when the memory of Alvarez literally swinging on a chandelier in the dining room of one of Laila's parents empty houses came back to him.

“I should watch Jeremy too,” Jean said, “He is going to be very sick in the morning if this keeps up.”

Laila rested a gentle hand on Jean's shoulder, “Let loose a little tonight, yeah? I can babysit them both while you unwind. Besides, they're adults, they can both deal with their hangovers in the morning. I just want to make sure they don't break anything, they get so fucking competitive when they're drunk.”

“True,” Jean agreed, “Though I wasn't planning on drinking much tonight anyway, I do not like to lose control of myself.”

“How about this,” Laila smiled, “You have fun, drink however much you're comfortable with, and I'll watch you too? I'll make sure you don't do anything embarrassing.”

Jean considered her for a moment as he looked out across the room and took in the sight of various Trojan's dancing along to the music, grinding against each other, laughing, and yelling. His eyes caught Jeremy who was leaning against the wall with one arm, his blue eyes sparkling, and licking his lips as he spoke. Jean could here Jeremy's laugh even from across the room and the sound sent a chill through him. He looked down at his drink and closed his eyes before raising it to his mouth and tipping his head back to swallow it all at once. “Deal.”

 

-

 

At some point during the night someone decided to make cupcakes. Jeremy wasn't sure who's idea it was, and he wasn't entirely confident that it wasn't his own idea to begin with, but he was thankful for their beautiful soul. The party was still raging around him, bottles of alcohol lay empty on the counter, beer cans piled up in the trash, and the music thumped through his veins.

Even with all the excitement around him the only thing that Jeremy could focus on was the tub of strawberry frosting that was sitting in front of him. He had been eyeing it ever since it was set on the counter and his hand had already been slapped away from it multiple times by Kyle, the teams starting Dealer, who was hard at work on making sure the cupcakes didn't burn in the oven. Maybe his sober brain would realize the dangers of a drunk sports team baking in a log cabin but by then he will have already had his fill of cupcakes.

“Jeremy!” Kyle scolded, “If you try to sink your finger in that icing one more time I swear I will cut it off.”

Jeremy giggled, “That sounds like something Jean would say.”

The group of people around him all groaned at once and Jeremy looked up with a confused grimace on his face.

Kyle shook his head and sighed, “Jean, Jean, Jean! He's literally all you've talked about tonight, well, not including the cupcakes.”

“Have not!” Jeremy protested, thought he stopped in the middle to cover a rather unflattering burp.

Amanda, the other senior Backliner, leveled Jeremy with a mocking stare, “I wonder if Jean likes this song? Have you seen Jean? I haven't seen Jean. I bet Jean would like cupcakes, let's make cupcakes. Someone find Jean so I can make him dance or at least laugh at how mad he gets. Where is Jean?”

Jeremy glared at her before snatching a spoon off the counter and digging it into the icing scooping out a spoonful with a devious smile, “Ha!”

Jeremy turned to leave the group when Amber, the single freshman that went on the trip with them stopped him, “For what it's worth, I did just see Jean out back by the hot tub with Alvarez.”

Jeremy tightened his grip on his spoonful of frosting and nodded before making his way through the throng of bodies and stepping out onto the back deck. The air outside was cold, objectively, but the lasting fire in his blood from the alcohol kept him warm enough. Jeremy rounded the corner and found Jean sitting on a set of stairs that led down from the porch and into the woods behind the cabins. Alvarez was passed out on the pool table, cuddled with a pool stick, while Laila sat beside her and ran her fingers through her hair.

Laila stopped him with a gentle touch before he was in earshot of Jean, “He's had a good night.”

Jeremy smiled and felt his heart flutter a bit, “Thank you, I've been kinda shitty,”

Laila shook her head, “No, it was good for him, I think. Good to see that he could have fun around people without being by your side.”

Jeremy nodded and turned back to Jean's direction but Laila stopped him again, “Don't say something you'll regret.”

Jeremy frowned, right now the only thing he regretted was telling Laila that he had feelings for Jean during a party last month when he was drunk out of his mind. He didn't even remember telling her until she brought it up a few days later.

Jeremy's eyes bounded between Laila and Jean's back as he weighed the pros and cons. His list was thrown out the window the second Jean turned around and looked at him and Jeremy saw the honest to god smile that was on Jean's face. He couldn't ignore that. He left Laila and her words of warning on the table behind him and walked slowly to Jean and lowered himself onto the step next to him.

“Want some frosting?” Jeremy smiled, holding up the artificially pink glob on the end of his spoon.

Jean's nose wrinkled, “That looks... _dégueulasse”_

Jeremy laughed and ran his finger across the top of the spoon, catching frosting on it, and popped it into his own mouth, “Never know until you try.”

Jean seemed to consider it for a moment and Jeremy knocked their shoulders together before tapping the edge of the spoon on Jean's nose. Jean blinked in surprise and Jeremy broke out into a fit of drunk laughter at the sight of the bright pink frosting on the tip of Jean's nose.

Jean reached up to wipe it off and Jeremy leaned forward to stop him, “No! Let me get a picture!”

Jean scowled as Jeremy fumbled with his phone, eventually getting it unlocked and navigating to the camera. The scowl held even as Jeremy snapped the picture. Jeremy looked down at the photo with satisfied victory before shoving his phone back in his pocket. Jean still looked at him with the distracting frosting on his nose so Jeremy leaned over and wiped it off with his thumb. Jean shivered but Jeremy assumed it was because of the cold.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes with Jeremy awkwardly licking the spoonful of icing every few seconds just for the taste. He could see Jean glaring at him out of the corner of his eye but he didn't scare because sugar. A few seconds later Jean startled Jeremy by grabbing the spoon from his hand. Jeremy opened his mouth to protest, assuming that Jean was going to throw it into the woods, and was stunned into silence when Jean licked the remaining icing from the spoon and swallowed with the same enthusiasm as he would probably swallow a rock.

Jeremy replayed the memory of Jean's tongue a few times before he was able to speak, “What the hell was that for?”

Jean rolled his eyes and fell back to the porch, laying flat against the wooden surface, “ _Votre langue est de me distraire._ ”

Jeremy was too drunk to process french, “Huh?”

Before Jean could reply a voice called out to the back porch, Jeremy heard Alvarez stir behind them at the sound of Kyle's voice announcing the cupcakes were ready.

 

-

 

Jean was the first one to get into bed. He'd foregone the shower in favor of changing into a pair of sweats and a long sleeve shirt in order to be in bed before Jeremy was done. Jean himself had begun to sober up hours earlier, even before Jeremy had joined him on the porch, but Jeremy needed the shower to allow his body to begin to settle itself. Jean remembered Jeremy telling him once that a shower before bed after a long night of drinking always helped sober him up some and Jean was grateful. As much as he trusted Jeremy, the idea of sleeping in the same bed as someone who was so drunk didn't sit right with him. He wondered if Jeremy was aware and that was why he'd started out so strong early one only to taper off as the night went on.

Jeremy stepped out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam wearing a matching pair of flannel pajamas, the light illuminating him from behind, “You still awake?”

“ _Oui_ ,” Jean said.

Jeremy walked to his side of the bed and paused before lowering himself, “You still sure? I can go sleep on the couch.”

Jean shook his head, “We have already talked about this, it is a large bed. I won't even know you're here.”

At least he hoped.

“OK,” Jeremy said as he fell into he bed, sliding himself under the covers and turning on his side so he was facing Jean.

The bed, mercifully, did not move that much under Jeremy's weight. It was a memory foam mattress so it didn't carry movement between the sides that well. Jean relaxed a bit at the thought of not having to worry about a change in pressure of the mattress waking him up with a panic.

“Laila said you had fun tonight,” Jeremy said through the darkness, his face was slightly illuminated by the moon from outside but not by much.

“It wasn't terrible,” Jean relented, “Some team members are better than others.”

“Good,” Jeremy smiled and Jean could see his blinding teeth even through the darkness, “Sorry I wasn't around that much.”

Jean wrinkled his nose, “You don't have to babysit me, I can have fun on my own.”

“I know!” Jeremy laughed, “I just meant, like, it's the first night and we barely hung out.”

“We're sharing a room,” Jean said, “And we see each other all the time, you got to have fun with people you don't usually spend time with and I got to do the same.”

Jean could make out Jeremy's frown, “You didn't miss me?”

“I could see you at all times,” Jean rolled his eyes, “It is impossible to miss you.”

Jean realized in that moment how big the bed was. They were so close, but so far away at the same time. Jean could have stretched out his entire arm and still not come close to touching Jeremy.

“I call dibs on being your partner on the ski lift tomorrow,” Jeremy smiled.

“Hmm,” Jean hummed, “I may have promised that to Alex over a game of pool.”

“Wait!” Jeremy gasped, “You played pool and I missed it?”

“Yes,” Jean said, “For the first time ever. I am very good apparently. Alex called me a...what was the word?”

“A shark?” Jeremy offered with a smile.

“Yes!” Jean said as the word clicked in his brain, “I do not know what a shark has to do with pool thought, it makes no sense to me.”

Jeremy laughed and Jean watched him as he rolled onto his back, the moonlight shone on his face even brighter and Jean could have counted the freckles that were strewn across Jeremy's face. Which he didn't want to do. At all. There weren't 12 of them.

They sat in silence for a few minutes until Jean spoke, “Alex did ask me to ride with him tomorrow,”

Jeremy coughed for some reason and his voice came out in a rasp, “I know, you just told me.”

“No,” Jean said, “Alex asked me but I told him no.”

Alex was nice enough. He seemed to be respectful of Jean's silence and didn't try to pry too much information out of him. It was the reason Jean had allowed Alex to teach him how to play pool. He was surprised to find that he didn't hate Alex's presence and Jean thought that maybe he had added another person to his collection of Trojan's he didn't hate being around. Alex asked him if he wanted to ride the ski lift with him tomorrow with a shy smile after the game ended and Jean actually felt bad for turning him down in favor of Jeremy. Alex seemed to understand thought and Jean hoped that Jeremy would actually want to ride with him in the morning seeing as they didn't actually talk about it at all.

“Oh,” Jeremy said as he angled his head more towards the moonlight, “Why?”

“Because I figured we would ride together, obviously.” Jean scoffed.

“Thanks for thinking of me,” Jeremy laughed, “See you in the morning.”

Jean hummed in agreement and closed his eyes to try and sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Votre langue maternelle est de me distraire." hopefully translates into something like "your tongue is distracting me" idk all the translators kept giving me tongue as in language so just go with it


	9. turn it inside out so i can see

 

 

 

 

**neuf**

_turn it inside out so i can see_

 

The first thing Jean saw when he woke up was the wall. Jean had prepared himself to the idea of waking up with another person in his bed the night before as he was falling asleep, trying to steel his mind to the fact that there would be a body next to him when his eyes opened and now, instead of Jeremy, there was a wall.

Early morning was when Jean was at his most vulnerable, the few moments after opening his eyes when he's not sure what is real and what is a dream. Jean knew he would panic for those first few moments when he opened his eyes and saw Jeremy's face, or worse, his hands stretched out towards him. However, the wall provided no panic and only offered confusion.

Jean cracked his sore neck before leaning up in the bed while wiping the sleep from his eyes. He scanned the room while looking for any trace of Jeremy. The bathroom door was wide open and he heard no sounds coming from it so Jeremy wasn't there. The door to the small balcony was closed and it was too fucking cold for Jeremy to be outside anyway. The only sign that Jeremy had been anywhere in the room was the small pile of clothing at the foot of the bed. Jean recognized the crumpled outfit as what Jeremy had worn to bed the night before.

Jean yawned just as the door to the room opened, slowly, as if to not make any sound. Jean angled his head towards the door and watched as Jeremy walked in with two cups of coffee in his hand. Before Jeremy saw Jean he slowly turned his back to the bed as he guided the door gently back into it's closed position. Jeremy must have held the doorknob so it wouldn't click back into place. Jean was still looking at Jeremy when he turned back around and Jeremy let out a startled gasp and spilled coffee on himself.

“Jesus,” Jeremy gasped, “You scared the shit out of me.”

Jean grunted and ran a hand through his unruly morning hair, “How long have you been up?”

Jeremy sat both of the mugs down on the dresser closest to him and grabbed a towel off of the floot to wipe his arm off, “About an hour, I wanted to let you sleep some more so I've been keeping myself busy downstairs.”

“Oh,” Jean said, “I just woke up a minute ago.”

Jeremy smiled and picked up both the coffee mugs again, “Brought you some. Black, of course.”

Jean reached out and took the mug from him, not pausing as their fingers brushed against each other, “ _Merci_ ,”

“ _Je vous en prie_ ,” Jeremy smiled as he took a sip of his own coffee, “Feeling anything from last night?”

“Only a slight headache,” Jean grimaced, “How are you not dying on the floor of the bathroom?”

Jeremy shrugged, “I vaguely remember eating like...14 cupcakes so I think they soaked up all the alcohol.”

Jean remembered someone talking about cupcakes. He remembered Jeremy sitting next to him on the steps with a spoonful of frosting. He also remembered the photo Jeremy took of him. Jeremy evidently remembered as well because when Jean looked at him again he was staring at his phone with a wild grin on his face.

“No,” Jean growled, “Delete it. Now.”

Jeremy looked at Jean like he had just asked him the most unreasonable thing on the planet, “Uh, fuck no? You look...”

“Do not say it,” Jean warned.

“You look _adorable_.” Jeremy barked out a laugh.

Jean glared at him. He had been called many things in his life but adorable was not one of them. Adorable was reserved for animals and small children, not scarred and broken boys.

“You should send it to Renee,” Jeremy said absentmindedly, “I'm sure she'd enjoy it.”

Jean glared again, “I do not want that picture on my phone.”

Jeremy laughed again, “Then it'll stay safely locked away on mine so I can look at it whenever I need a smile.”

Jean huffed and finished his coffee while Jeremy grinned in victory.

 

-

 

“Alvarez!” Jeremy groaned, “The jacket is too puffy! I can't get it zipped up!”

Jeremy was looking at himself in the mirror and struggling to finish the zipper on his ski jacket. It was caught somewhere between the fabric of the jacket and the unnatural bulk of his sleeves didn't allow him enough leverage to work the zipper in any direction.

“You're such a baby,” Alvarez rolled her eyes and gripped the zipper before yanking it upwards.

They both took a few steps in opposite directions as the zipper pulled free and startled Alvarez. She stumbled backwards into the foot of the bed and Jeremy's unsteady feet sent him a few steps backwards into Jean.

Jeremy didn't need to see Jean's face to see how he reacted. Their bodies were pressed close and Jeremy could feel the tense and rigid lines of Jean's shoulder. The impact was sudden and unwelcome and Jeremy knew that Jean's brain thought it was an attack of some sort. Jeremy immediately pushed himself away from Jean.

“Hey,” Jeremy whispered so Alvarez wouldn't hear, “I'm sorry. It's just me, Jeremy. It was an accident.”

Jean took a few moments to recollect himself before letting out a long breath, “I know. It was just...unexpected.”

Jeremy took a step forward and held out a tentative hand, “Can I?”

Jean eyed the hand for a moment before giving a wordless yes in the form of a nod.

Jeremy reached out slowly and placed a hand on the back of Jean's neck, tightening his grip and squeezing a slow rhythm into Jean's tense neck. Alvarez had her nose buried in her phone texting Laila and wasn't paying attention to either of them so Jeremy offered his other hand to Jean. Jean accepted it and took it between both of his hands. Jean squeezed harder than Jeremy was normally comfortable with but he didn't say anything. Jeremy knew that the past few days had been hard on Jean even if he would never admit it. Jean was pushing himself more than usual and had found himself outside of his comfort zone more times than not so Jeremy could understand the tight and coiled tension that was set off by the accidental collision.

“OK, Jean whispered after a minute or so, “I'm good now.”

Jeremy smiled and gave the back of Jean's neck one final squeeze before removing his hand. Jean released Jeremy's other hand and Jeremy flexed his fingers to return some of the feeling to them.

“I am, uh,” Jean coughed, “I am going to find Laila and see if she needs help loading anything into the car.”

Alvarez looked up at the mention of Laila's name and smiled, “She should be in the kitchen, I'm sure she'd appreciate the help.”

Jean gave them both a small nod and pulled his beanie over his head before leaving the room. Jeremy tried not to pay attention how good it looked on Jean.

Alvarez waited until she heard Jean on the stairs before speaking, “So, what the hell was that?”

“What was what?” Jeremy asked, feigning innocence.

“I'm not blind, Knox.” Alvarez laughed, “What happened just now?”

Jeremy sighed, it wasn't his place to give out that informtation but he knew Alvarez wouldn't drop it, “I freaked him out by bumping into him. You know how he is about being touched.”

“Yeah,” Alvarez raised an eyebrow, “So what was with that whole...holding hands and whispering thing?”

Jeremy felt his cheeks flush. He made Laila swear secrecy on his drunken admission, even from Alvarez, and she was generally pretty good at keeping secrets so he knew that it shouldn't look like anything too major, but still. Alvarez was always able to read him like a book when she wanted to.

“He needs to be grounded sometimes,” Jeremy said with his back to her, “To be reminded that he's not back there. Listen, this is his business and I don't feel comfortable talking about it with anyone but him.”

Alvarez held up her hands in surrender, “Say no more! You know me, just a nosy asshole.”

“The nosiest,” Jeremy rolled his eyes and threw a glove at her.

Alvarez caught it out of the air, “No, if I was the nosiest I would be asking how sleeping in the same bed was working out.”

“And on that note,” Jeremy said, his voice rising a pitch or two, “We need to head downstairs before Laila sends the search team.”

Jeremy left his room, and Alvarez's cackling, before she could see his face turn a bright shade of red.

 

-

 

By the time their group reached the bottom of the mountain Jean had calmed down from his startled panic earlier in the morning. He wrote off his overreaction as pent up nervousness he'd built up the night before about waking up to Jeremy in bed with him. When he woke up alone his body had no release for all the nervous energy and it had made him hyper sensitive to anything else. At least that was the version of events that Jean was going with.

Jeremy had been cautious with him for the rest of them morning. Jean could see the way Jeremy judged the distance between them with his eyes before he made any kind of move towards Jean. It was equal parts heart warming and infuriating. Part of Jean was happy that Jeremy cared enough to watch out for things like that while the other part of Jean, the old, angry, terrified part, was enraged at the fact that he was being treated like a child. That part of himself hated when Jeremy handled him with kid gloves because all things considered, today was a good day and he didn't want Jeremy to treat it as a bad one.

Jean knew they were about to be stuck on a ski lift with each other for at least ten minuets and resolved to mention it to Jeremy. He needed Jeremy to know that the mornings incident had just been a fluke and it wasn't one of his bad days.

“Alright!” The ski instructor called out to the ring of Trojan's, “Does anyone have any questions about the safety procedures I just went over?”

Jean watched as each team member shook their head, they were all fast learners.

“Good,” The instructor smiled, “Have fun up there but just remember that you might be athletes on the court but this is a whole different ballgame.”

“Ew,” Alvarez scoffed, “Baseball metaphors? Really?”

Jean bit back a smile as Laila reached out and lightly tapped Alvarez on the back of the head in a silent reprimand.

“Just be careful,” The instructor stressed, “Pay attention to your surroundings at all times, things can go very wrong, very quickly on the slopes.”

“Yes,” Jean hummed, louder than he'd intended to, “I hear that it is very easy to break your hand while skiing.”

Jean watched as all the Trojan's mouths dropped to the snow. He heard a choked off gasp come from his left, courtesy of Jeremy while Alvarez screamed out a wild laugh to his right.

“What?” Jean turned to Jeremy and gave him his best emotion free stare, “It was only a joke.”

Jeremy's bottom lip began to tremble and Jean honestly thought for a moment that Jeremy was about to start crying. Instead, he surprised the entire group by breaking out into absolute hysterical laughter.

“Jean,” Jeremy gasped between breaths, “Jean, man, that is _so_ fucked up.”

“Seriously,” Alvarez joined in on the hysterics, “That was so fucking dark.”

Jean smiled. It was small but it was there. He'd always found comfort in the darkness of his humor, even if no one understood it.

Laila began to laugh, infected by Jeremy and Alvarez, and soon the rest of the team was doubled over and clutching their stomachs with laughter. The instructor looked at the group like they were all insane before slowly walking away.

“What did I tell you?” Jeremy wheezed as his laughing fit subsided, “A fucking comedian.”

 

-

 

“What would you do if I fell off of this right now?” Jeremy asked.

Jean looked at him with complete contempt before the image of Jeremy's body falling god knows how many feet to the ground below played in his mind, “Do not say that.”

“Honest question,” Jeremy shrugged, “If you fell I'd jump down after you.”

Jean wrinkled his brow, “That is stupid, then we would both die.”

“Not if I landed on top of you,” Jeremy grinned, “You'd make a pretty good cushion.”

“Why jump down after me if you're going to kill me by crushing me?” Jean scoffed.

“Wow,” Jeremy shook his head, “You think I weight enough to crush you?”

“You have who knows how many pounds of muscle on me,” Jean rolled his eyes, “You would not feel good on top of me.”

“Or would I?” Jeremy joked.

Jean felt his breath catch in his throat. He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a rather unattractive choke. Jean took a moment to collect himself, he knew Jeremy meant his previous comment as a joke but, because it was a good day, Jean couldn't resist provoking him with a reply, “Who says you would be the one on top of me?”

Jean could see Jeremy's eyes go wide even behind his ski goggles, “I, uh, um, oh, wow, well...”

Jean let a small smile play at his lips, Jeremy was usually so articulate and it was entertaining to see him flustered. Still, Jean decided to put him out of his misery. Or, rather, take him from one misery to another.

“While I have you here,” Jean said.

“Oh god,” Jeremy groaned, “That's never a good way to start a conversation.”

“Stop being dramatic,” Jean let out a breath and watched it fog up the air in front of him, “All I was going to say is that you do not have to handle me gently today. It is not a bad day, I was just startled this morning. I don't like seeing you on edge around me for no reason.”

“I'm not on edge,” Jeremy began to protest.

“Jeremy,” Jean cut him off, “We're on a ski lift together and you're sitting as far away from me as you possibly can. Thank you, really, for always being so respectful. It means...more to me than you can know. But trust me when I tell you that today is not a bad day, it is a very good one.”

Jeremy considered him for a minute and Jean could see the wheels turning in his head. Jeremy settled on an answer eventually and Jean knew what it was by the way Jeremy pushed himself closer and knocked their knees together, “I'm gonna kick your ass, Moreau.”

Jean bit his lip as the dismount point approached, he couldn't resist himself because it was a _good day,_ “First one to the finish line gets to be on top.”

Jeremy choked, again, and Jean grinned as he hopped off of the ski lift and landed in the snow. Jeremy followed him a few seconds later but Jean was confident he'd win this race thanks to his underhanded tactics and precious head start.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in one day because why not (and because i literally cannot stop writing this) and three cheers for jean's dark and dirty sense of humor!


	10. you push me to the brim and you fill me to the brink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight warning for the end of the chapter/last section because it briefly mentions a suicide attempt and a bit of an extended discussion over self guilt about sexual assault/rape throughout but nothing graphic about either act itself

 

**dix**

_you push me to the brim and you fill me to the brink_

 

Jeremy collapsed into the snow after a brutal defeat by Jean. The race was a close one, with Jean reaching the bottom of the slopes by only a few seconds, and his pride would have been wounded if he could think about anything other than Jean on top of him. Jeremy made a calculated risk with his suggestive comment to Jean, mostly hoping to just rile him, and he was taken aback when Jean countered his comment with one of his own.

Jeremy could still hear the words coming out of Jean's mouth like a whispered challenge, the slight accent coming out a little stronger than usual which just made things even worse. _Who says you would be the one on top of me?_ Jeremy was struck silent the moment the words left Jean's lips. He wanted to laugh it off, play it off as just a hashtag no homo joke between bro's. But instead of that he spent the next few seconds on the ski lift imagining Jean on top of him, holding him down, sliding his fingers in his mouth, sliding his-

“ _Merde_ ,” Jeremy whispered to himself.

The snow next to Jeremy shifted and he looked over to see Alvarez, “Got your ass kicked by Moreau?”

“He won by a few seconds,” Jeremy huffed, “Besides, he cheated.”

“No one likes a sore loser, Jeremy.” Jean scoffed from above them.

Jean stood over him, his hair a wild mess, his ski goggles off, and his cheeks flushed pink. Jeremy glared at him before shifting into the snow and rolling onto his stomach, it wasn't quite a cold shower but Jeremy wasn't taking any chances on his bodies reaction to anything at the moment.

“Laila beat me,” Alvarez groaned, “Who knew the girl who grew up in Beverly Hills would be such a bad ass on the slopes?”

“Ah,” Laila smiled as she fell into place on Jean's side, “I see the losers all decided to sit in the snow, is it helping sooth your burns?”

Jean's lips quirked into a small smile as he looked at Laila and Jeremy almost passed out when the two of them high-fived each other.

“What do you say, Dermott,” Jean leaned down a few inches to Laila's face, “To a match between the winners?”

Laila grinned with a challenge, “I say you have two seconds to get your skinny french ass onto that ski lift with me.”

Jeremy shook his head when Jean walked away from Laila and to the ski lift when she was mid sentence. Laila huffed and stalked after him in her skis and Jeremy watched them both board the bright red chair and begin the ascent into the sky.

“I hate them both sometimes,” Alvarez sighed, “Competitive assholes.”

“At least we'll kick their asses at the snowman competition.” Jeremy laughed.

“Oh hell yeah,” Alvarez cackled, “They don't know what they're in for.”

Jeremy let his head fall back into the snow. The cold didn't exactly stop his brain from wandering to thoughts of Jean pressing him up against the wall in their room. Jeremy let out a muffled shout into the ground before he realized that Alvarez was still next to him.

“What the hell was that?” Alvarez laughed, “You're not seriously mad about losing to Jean, are you?”

“No,” Jeremy sighed, “I mean, Jean is, whatever. No, I'm not mad I lost.”

“You're mad about something,” Alvarez raised a single brow.

“I'm not mad,” Jeremy groaned, “I'm just...frustrated.”

“About Jean?” Alvarez's voice dropped and she leaned in closer.

“No,” Jeremy shook his head a bit too hard, “I...”

“Jer...sweetie,” Alvarez sighed, “Anyone who knows you knows that you're in love with him.”

“What?” Jeremy yelped, “I'm not...I...did Laila say something to you?”

Alvarez's face twisted before her mouth dropped, “No, but now I think I need to have a conversation with my girlfriend about lying to me because I've tried to bring this topic up to her like, 500 times and she always avoids it.”

Jeremy sat back up and leaned his back against a tree, there was no way he was getting out of this conversation so he resigned himself to it, “I made her swear on your life that she wouldn't say anything.”

“One,” Alvarez started, “That's super fucked up. Two, why didn't you say anything to me?”

“It's not like I wanted to say anything to Laila!” Jeremy snapped, “It just happened, I was drunk, she was listening to me ramble and it just slipped out. To be fair, you were there but you were passed out with your head on her lap.”

Alvarez gave him a small smile, “So, do you want to talk about it?”

“There's not much to talk about,” Jeremy shook his head, “I'm pretty sure I've been in love with that asshole for months now and it's pointless because he's so obviously straight and even if he wasn't I don't think he's in any rush to be with someone.”

“Why are you so frustrated now?” Alvarez asked, “You were fine before the lift and now you're all mister rubber band ball of tension over here.”

“Well,” Jeremy blushed, “I made a dumb joke about him being on top of me...”

Alvarez gaped, “Jeremy, honey.”

“It just came out!” Jeremy defended himself, “And it made sense in the context of what we were talking about!”

Alvarez laughed, “Whatever you say. Continue.”

“OK,” Jeremy huffed, “So then, and I fucking kid you not, Jean's voice dropped and he was all 'What makes you so sure you would be the one on top?' and I almost died, Alvarez.”

“That is,” Alvarez took a minute to think, “Interesting.”

“Right?” Jeremy hissed, “And then he says he wants to race down to the bottom of the slopes and the winner gets to be on top! I don't know if I'm losing my mind because I haven't had sex in like seven months but...fuck.”

Alvarez laughed, “You've got it _bad_ , Knox.”

Jeremy couldn't deny it. There was no use in lying to himself or to Alvarez. “Yeah. Fuck.”

 

-

 

Jean has a problem. It is a problem he never thought he would have, not after the years and experiences he had in the nest. Jean has a problem and that problem is Jeremy Knox. More specifically, the idea of Jeremy Knox laying under him, their bodies pressed together, their breathing labored, and this skin sticky with sweat and desire.

Jean has never wanted someone before, not like this. Jean never thought he could want another person that way, physically and sexually, not after what Riko had the older men do to him. There had been times before the assaults that Jean's mind would occasionally wander to the thought of being with another boy. There were the two times with Kevin, when they were sure they were alone, that was mostly curious experiments between two boys who were trying desperately to focus on anything other than abuse, that only amounted to unpracticed kisses and shaky hand jobs that Jean knew would never turn into anything more. But after the first night of Riko letting one of the older players in the room and telling him to do whatever he wanted Jean was positive that he would never want to feel anything persons hands on his body in that way if he ever had a choice about it.

Then, suddenly, Jeremy Knox was in his life. Jeremy Knox with his bright smile and respectful hands. Jeremy Knox with his tender words and understanding. Jeremy Knox with his muscular body and abs. Jeremy Knox and his chest that was lightly dusted with faint blonde hair and the freckle on his clavicle. Jean wanted Jeremy to touch him, wanted Jeremy to make him feel something other than sickness and dread. And that thought alone terrified Jean.

Jean couldn't let himself want like that. Even if Jeremy wanted him like that, Jeremy didn't deserve to be saddled with him. Jean didn't know if he would ever be what someone would call normal and Jeremy deserved someone who was normal. Jean watched Jeremy as he reclined in the snow, laughing with Alvarez, the smile on his face even whiter than the snow on the ground. The sight almost hurt, Jean thought, like he was looking directly into the sun.

Laila came to a stop next to him a few minutes later, sliding a mound of snow onto his feet, “You actually beat me, I can't believe it.”

Jean scoffed, “No one likes a sore loser.”

“Holy shit,” Alvarez yelped, “Jean beat Laila?”

Jeremy pushed himself up from the snow and jogged over to them, smiling, and let his hand fall onto Jean's shoulder, “If you ever get tired of Exy I guess we'll just have to sign you up for the Winter Olympics, huh?”

Jean shrugged him off with a groan, “Are we done here?”

Jeremy laughed and looped his arm around Alvarez's shoulder, “We are, we're heading back to the cabins to get ready for tonight.”

“Tonight?” Jean and Laila questioned at the same time.

Alvarez gave them both a wicked smile, “We're going downtown to check out what kind of nightlife this place has.”

 

-

 

Jean took a moment to get dressed while Jeremy was still in the shower, he wasn't exactly looking forward to going out tonight but after Jeremy's assurance that it would only be the two of them along with Laila and Alvarez he warmed up to the idea more. Jean wasn't a fan of clubs and who could blame him? He hated the dark atmospheres that reminded him too much of the nest, he hated how close bodies got when they were packed together on the dance floor. Jeremy finally ended up telling Jean that if he really didn't want to go then Jeremy would spend the night in with him but Jean had seen how excited Jeremy was at the idea of a night on the town and Jean didn't want to be the one to take that from him.

Alvarez had finally broken down and told Jean that she was dragging them all to a local gay club, double checking with Jean to see if he had any reservations about that. Jean tried not to laugh and wondered then if that should be the moment that he came out to them but decided against it. He simply told her that no, it would not be a problem and that he would be their designated driver since there was no way on the planet that he would give up any kind of control of his body in such a crowded place now that he had a choice. Drinking with the team was one thing, drinking in a bar filled who who knew how many men that he didn't know was something else entirely.

Jean eyed himself in the mirror before getting dressed. He let his hands trace their way down his body, over the raised lines of scar tissue from many nights with Riko. Jean traced the zig zag pattern that began near his belly button before it disappeared into the waistband of his jeans and eventually ended in the middle of one of his left thigh. Jean touched the long mark that began at his shoulder and continued upwards, just stopping at the base of his neck. His body was littered with marks, marks that caused the maximum amount of pain without actually killing him.

Jean looked down at his bare arms and traced the long, raised line that ran down it, a perfect path over his veins. Out of all of his scars this was his most shameful, it was the one he had done to himself. Jean only ever tried to kill himself once, the first morning after Riko had let someone into his room in the middle of the night. Jean couldn't bare the overwhelming sadness and shame he felt and thought there was no other way out. Riko found him on the floor after that and Jean survived. There were many, many nights after that that he wished he hadn't, nights that he wished that he would have bled to death on the floor before Riko found him. Now though, standing in the room of this cabin, dressing himself for a night out with his _friends_ , and listening to the sound of Jeremy Knox singing in the shower...Jean was glad he survived.

Jean heard the shower cut off and he hurried to grab his shirt, pulling it over his head and settling the sleeves so they covered his arms. Jean had come to love this shirt because it's sleeves had holes for his thumb which helped them stay put and once Jeremy had dragged him out to the mall and ended up buying Jean a few more of them that were identical in every way except for the colors. Jeremy was the only person on the team who had seen his arms bare and Jean always saw when Jeremy noticed the scars but they had never actually spoken about it.

Jeremy came out of the bathroom, towel draped around his hips, still glistening wet and singing. Jeremy gave Jean a bright smile before picking up his pile of clothes and retreating into the bathroom to get dressed. Jean closed his eyes and tried to fight off yet another image of a wet and nearly naked Jeremy and frowned when they didn't make it any better.

“I'm going to call Renee,” Jean said with his face pressed against the bathroom door, “Come find me before we leave.”

“No problem!” Jeremy yelled back before he went back to his singing.

Jean dialed Renee's number on his phone before he could think to stay around longer to listen to Jeremy's wonderful voice.

“Hello, Jean.” Renee picked up after the second ring and Jean could hear the smile in her voice.

“Hello, Renee, how are you?” Jean asked as he made his way down the stairs of the house to the back porch. He took a seat on the back steps and gazed off into the woods behind the house while he listened to Renee speak.

“I'm doing well, all things considered,” Renee said, “Allison's brother isn't doing that great and it's been very hard on her.”

“I'm sorry,” Jean frowned, “I should not have bothered you. I can speak to you later.”

“No, it's fine.” Renee said with a smile in her voice again, “Allison is sleeping at the moment so I'm free to talk. How has your trip been so far?”

Jean took a deep breath and suddenly he began to unload on Renee. It started out small, he told her that he was having a good time, that the cold made his broken bones hurt, that he had drank with the rest of the team, that he was sharing a bed with Jeremy, that they had all been skiing together, and that he and his friends were going out to a club tonight.

“I'm so glad you're having fun,” Renee laughed, “You sound happier than I have ever heard you, Jean.”

“Thank you, Renee,” Jean said, and then, almost as if his body had decided to betray him, he kept going, “I think I have feelings for Jeremy Knox.”

The other line was silent for what felt like an eternity, Jean thought that the phone might have died but just as he was about to check, “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that.”

“Uh,” Jean mumbled, “I am not entirely sure why I did tell you.”

Renee laughed softly, “Maybe it's something that you've been wanting to say for a long time and finally decided you felt comfortable enough to voice?”

“Maybe,” Jean hummed.

“How long have you felt this way?” Renee asked.

Jean thought back as far as he could. Objectively, he knew Jeremy was attractive from the moment he met him. But if Jean was being honest, his feeling for Jeremy only grew after they'd gotten to know each other and Jean had found that Jeremy was constantly respectful of him, his space, and his emotions. Jean realized there was something special about Jeremy the first time that Jeremy asked him if he _wanted_ to do something rather than telling him that he was _going_ to do something. he just didn't realize that they were actually romantic feelings until recently.

“Honestly,” Jean admitted, “I think within the last few days. I have known I felt something for a couple of months but I think I just realized what that something was.”

“Do you think Jeremy would return those feelings?” Renee asked.

Jean was silent for a few moments, “I do not think so. I know that Jeremy is like me, that he is gay, but how could he ever want someone like me?”

“Jean,” Renee said with sadness in her voice, “Please don't ever say something like that about yourself. You are wonderful, you're kind, you're beautiful, and you are so, so worthy of having someone care about you. You are worthy of love, Jean Moreau.”

Jean's hands rubbed his eyes before they could form tears, “What if I don't know how to? What if after everything that Riko did to me...that Riko had other people do to me...”

“Don't go back to that place,” Renee said, her voice firm, “Remember when we talked about not letting something like that define you?”

“Yes,” Jean choked, “Yes, I know. But...but what if Jeremy does feel that way about me, what if he does want me and does want to...do things with me but I cannot because I am broken.”

“You are not broken and from everything that you have told me about Jeremy he seems to be nothing less than respectful and understanding,” Renee said, “If you thought that Jeremy would treat you that way, or even force you into something you're not ready for, then I don't think you would have the kind of feelings you do for him.”

Jean couldn't form words to reply. Telling Renee about Riko's assaults had been one of the hardest conversations of his life but he was so thankful for that single conversation in this moment.

“Give yourself some time to truly think about this,” Renee said, “I'm not saying you have to tell Jeremy about your feelings as soon as we get off of the phone but I think telling him would do you well.”

“What if he doesn't feel the same way about me?” Jean asked, “I cannot lose him as a friend.”

“Kevin has shared with me a few things that Jeremy had talked to him about,” Renee said, slightly mischievously, “I don't think there's anything to lose. If he really doesn't return your feelings I am sure that Jeremy would not let something as small as that get in the way of your friendship.”

“Jean,” Jeremy called from from the back door, “We're getting ready to head out.”

Jean nodded at him, “Renee, I have to go. We are about to leave.”

“Have fun tonight, Jean,” Renee said, “And think about what I said. You can always call me if you need to talk about it some more, no matter the time.”

Jean hung up the phone after they said their goodbyes and went back into the house. Jeremy, Laila, and Alvarez were all standing by the front door waiting for him. Jean smiled at them and Jeremy gave him the biggest grin he could in return. Jean felt something his chest warm and he fell into step directly next to Jeremy. Jean nudged their hands together, just because he was desperate to feel Jeremy's skin against his, and Jeremy smiled and nudged his hand back. Jean moved a little bit closer to him as they walked towards the car.

“I think it's going to be a good night,” Jeremy whispered to him.

Jean's breath hitched and he turned his head, finding himself looking deep into Jeremy bright blue eyes, “I think it will be,” Jean agreed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: clubbing! how could that possibly go wrong?


	11. i didn't just come here to dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was gonna save this until tomorrow but honestly i have the impulse control of a toddler and the world needs to see jeremy knox dancing like [THIS](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/67/23/20/672320f8fbe603377f631bbfa832e5c7.gif) to [beyonce](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ2cOmJya6w)
> 
> another small warning for past non-con memories but this and the next chapter are probably the last chapters they will be mentioned in more than just a passing comment 
> 
>  
> 
>  

 

 

 

 

**onze**

_i didn't just come here to dance_

 

Driving in the snow was not something Jean was fond of. Jeremy had offered to at least drive to the club but Jean quickly batted his hand away under the pretense that he'd rather get comfortable on the way there than do it for the first time when the car is filled with drunk idiots. It wasn't as terrifying as he thought it was going to be, though he did spend the first ten minutes or so of the drive going 20 miles under the speed limit while cars furiously blared their horns at him.

Alvarez, finding the whole situation hilarious, quietly begged Jean to go even slower while Laila pressed her head to the other side of the drivers seat and asked him to go faster, an actual angel and devil on his shoulder. When Jean looked to Jeremy he just laughed, winked, and told Jean to do whatever made him the happiest. Jean went five miles slower than before, earning a cheer from Alvarez, until every car passed him on the road.

By the time they made it to the club their 20 minute journey had turned into a 45 minute one and as Jean parked the car everyone applauded. The old Jean would have found the display mocking, assuming his friends were making fun of him. The current Jean only blushed and bowed awkwardly.

“Who's ready to party?” Alvarez yelled as she bounded out of the SUV and into the snow. She was dressed in a tight sweater and thick leggings with combat boots to help her through the snow.

Laila, who was wearing a flowing dress and impractical heels because fuck the snow, crawled her way to the door of the SUV before wrapping her arms around Alvarez's shoulders to be carried though the snow. Jean couldn't help but smile at the image of the two girls traipsing across the parking lot towards the club.

“Disgusting, isn't it?” Jeremy asked as he tracked the girls as they crossed the street.

“Absolutely sickening,” Jean nodded while opening the car door.

Jean waited for Jeremy to round the front of the car before they made their way to the club. The line was short which meant that wouldn't have to wait out in the cold for long. Jean could already hear the music thumping from inside as they crossed the street and he shivered, though he wasn't sure if it was because of the club or just the cold. Jean's foot hit a patch of ice as they were walking, causing his foot to slip from under him, and soon he was tumbling towards the ground. Before he made impact he felt a strong grip around his bicep. A few months ago that grip would have made him scream for his life but now, looking up and finding Jeremy's concerned face, it made him want to lean into it.

“You OK?” Jeremy asked as he hauled Jean to his feet.

“Yes,” Jean gruffed, smoothing out his clothes, “I think I slipped on some ice.”

Jeremy laughed and looped his arm around Jean's, “Can't have you breaking your foot before you get on the dance floor!”

Jean froze, he didn't actually expect anyone would try to make him dance. Jeremy jerked to a stop as Jean froze, their arms still hooked together.

“Dance?” Jean asked.

“What?” Jeremy laughed, “You didn't think you'd come to a club with us without me trying to get you to dance?”

“I don't dance,” Jean shook his head.

Jeremy laughed again and pulled at Jean's arm to get him moving, “Oh come on,”

“No,” Jean shook his head, “I've...I have never danced before.”

It was Jeremy's turn to stop in his tracks. They were in the middle of the street and Jeremy slowly turned his head to face Jean, “Never? Like as in, _never never_?”

“ _Never_ ,” Jean repeated with more emphasis.

Jeremy blinked at Jean a few times before he collected himself and smiled, “Well, tonight we're going to change that. You're dancing to at least one song with me, Jean!”

“With you?” Jean stumbled over the last word.

“I mean...” Jeremy trailed off, “Unless you don't want to. You know I'd never really make you do it if you didn't wanna...”

Jean stood in the middle of the street, his eyes focused firmly on Jeremy who was illuminated by the street light over head, and smiled, “One dance.”

A horn blared from behind them and Jean jumped in place as the driver began to should obscenities at them. Jeremy's hold on Jean's arm stopped him from being able to turn and scream back at the man and he followed along after Jeremy who was laughing too hard to speak.

They fell into line with Laila and Alvarez who were just near the front. They waited a few minutes longer, exchanging small talk and huddling close to each other because of the cold, before they finally got to the head of the line. Alvarez paid for Laila and Jeremy stopped Jean as he tried to pull out his wallet and slid the door man enough money to cover them both.

Jean was sandwiched between Laila and Jeremy as they entered the club. It wasn't as dark as he thought it would be, the walls were painted a bright neon color and they glowed under a faint black light. The music was loud, but it was to be expected. Jean was glad for the bright colors of the walls, he had worried all evening how he would react to a swarming room painted black so just the bright pink, orange, green, and yellow of the walls did much to calm his growing anxiety. They maneuvered through large groups of people and Jean relaxed more when he felt the warm press of Jeremy's hand to the small of his back which served to both guide and tether him, Jean wordlessly reached back and squeezed Jeremy's wrist in thanks to which Jeremy responded with a light scratch to Jean's back that made him tremble in all the right ways.

Alvarez wrangled them all a spot at the bar and began shouting out drink orders. Jean accepted one shot of tequila as the only alcohol he would drink all night and that was only to calm his immediate nerves. After the round of shots Jean transitioned to Diet Coke, ignoring Jeremy's lecture about how Diet Coke was actually worse for you than regular Coke. The girls and Jeremy ordered two more rounds of shots for themselves before Laila dragged Alvarez to the dance floor. Jean watched them go and they quickly disappeared into the sea of bodies.

The music played around them and Jean's eyes drifted towards Jeremy who was cradling a bottle of beer in his hand. Jean couldn't help but watch his throat as he swallowed but quickly stopped himself when he thought of leaning over and pressing his lips against the stubbled skin.

“You don't have to sit with me all night,” Jean said, “I know you would rather be having fun with Laila and Alvarez.”

Jeremy flashed him a big grin and Jean couldn't ignore the way multiple men in the room were drawn to it, “Who say's I'm not having fun sitting here with you?”

Jean rolled his eyes and took another sip of his drink, “Because I know you, Jeremy Knox. You're not having fun unless your entire body is moving.”

Jeremy laughed and bumped Jean with his shoulder, “I'm just taking in the moment, dude.”

“What moment?” Jean raised his eyebrow.

“The moment with you, dumb ass.” Jeremy smiled, “Sitting here with you, on vacation, with our friends, and you _smiling.”_

Jean felt his cheeks growing hot and he swiveled his bar stool away from Jeremy to hide his face, "You say that like it is something you never expected.”

“Honestly?” Jeremy said, “I don't know what I expected. Rationally, I knew you would get better and more comfortable the longer you were with the team but I never really thought you and I would be this close. I hoped, really, really fucking hard, but I didn't think you would ever actually like me enough to want to spend time like this with me.”

The warmth in Jean's chest felt like it was threatening to burn him to the bone, “I never expected it either...but for a different reason.”

“What do you mean?” Jeremy asked as he leaned closer to hear better over the music.

“I thought...I thought that you were too good for me at first,” Jean admitted, “You were perfect and I was...broken and so terrible to you. I waited so long for you to give up on me, to decide that I wasn't worth the effort, and I know I did not make your life easy...”

“Jean,” Jeremy's voice cracked, “You were _always_ worth the effort. You will _always_ be worth the effort.”

“I...” Jean's voice came out raw and raspy, “I sometimes still feel that way, like I'm not good enough for you. I try not to but then you or Laila or Alvarez ask me something and I freeze up, or someone accidentally bumps me and I scream and break down into fear and I think that this will be the time that you all decide you're done with me. I...I'm very scared of losing you, the team, the girls, but especially you.”

“You'll never lose me,” Jeremy said as softly as he could over the loud music, “No matter what you do, or say, I'm always going to be here for you. You're kinda stuck with me, Moreau.”

Jean let out a hoarse laugh, “This is an odd place for having this conversation, _non_?”

“I get it,” Jeremy smiled, “It's not as awkward if there's a million people around and fucking loud music.”

“Yes,” Jean agreed, “Thank you.”

Jean meant _thank you for everything._

Jeremy, who probably figured as much, smiled, “You're welcome.”

Jeremy sat with him for a few more songs, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Jean felt his body being drawn in closer to Jeremy, like Jeremy had some kind of gravitational pull over him, which, if he was being honest, Jeremy did.

Laila and Alvarez eventually found themselves back at the bar, pulling at Jeremy and Jean to join them on the dance floor. The floor was still crowded, too crowded for Jean's liking.

“Go,” Jean told Jeremy, “I can survive a few minutes by myself.”

Jeremy grinned before downing another shot and looping his arm with Laila's . The next song began to pulse through the club and Alvarez bounced with excitement.

“I love this song!” Alvarez cheered, “Please, Jean! Come have fun!”

“Later,” Jean promised.

Alvarez sighed but gave him a quick peck on the forehead before following after Laila and Jeremy. Jean watched at the three of them made their way to the dance floor and the sea of bodies parted for them. Jeremy had every eye on him as he stood between the girls and began to move to the music.

 

 _Baby boy you stay on my mind_  
_Fulfill my fantasies_  
_I think about you all the time_  
_I see you in my dreams_

 

Jean watched Jeremy's moves and traced the fluid lines of his body as he danced to the music. Jeremy's arms slowly made their way above his head, his hands twisting together as if they were holding onto the music itself. Jeremy's hips rolled as he tossed his head to the music and grinned at Laila and Alvarez who were pressed together and exchanging a heated kiss.

 

 _Baby boy not a day goes by_  
_Without my fantasies_  
_I think about you all the time_  
_I see you in my dreams_

 

Jeremy had begun to sweat and his shirt was clinging to his body. The thin material betrayed him and highlighted every sharp edge and muscle underneath it. Jeremy's hair was damp and it moved with his head every time he tossed it side to side. Jean had to refrain from biting his lip as he watched Jeremy run his hands up his own body and slide them into his hair as he moved. Seeing Jeremy like this was threatening to make all of Jean's suppressed feelings bubble to the surface. He'd never seen Jeremy look so care free, even on the court there was still an underlying tension to him, but on the dance floor Jeremy seemed to come alive with the music and it flowed through him as if it was part of his body.

_Aah oh my baby's fly baby oh_  
_Yes no hurt me so good baby oh_  
_I'm so wrapped up in your love let me go_  
_Let me breathe stay out my fantasies_

 

Jeremy's arms rose above his body again as his hips rolled. His damp shirt caught against his skin and rose with his arms, revealing a tantalizing patch of hard muscle. Jean's eyes traced Jeremy's Adonis belt as it disappeared into the waist of his Jean's and his heart flipped. Jean had never expected to feel this way about someone again, to feel an actual sexual attraction to another man. It was more than just that with Jeremy, but at the moment Jean couldn't stop thinking of how nice it would feel to have Jeremy pressed against him as he danced.

 

 _Picture us dancing real close_  
_In a dark dark corner of a basement party_  
_Every time I close my eyes_  
_It's like everyone left but you and me_

Jean's heart dropped as a devastatingly handsome man found Jeremy on the dance floor. Jeremy flashed the guy his perfect smile and the guy grinned back at him and offered a hand out to him. Jeremy took it readily and pulled the guy in close. Jean tried to pull his eyes away as he watched Jeremy press his hips into the other man but he couldn't. Jean felt his skin grow hot as the other guy spun Jeremy and pulled him back into his body so they were pressed front to back. The guy's hands traveled up Jeremy's body, feeling every inch of him. Feeling every inch that Jean wanted to feel. Jeremy's head fell back onto the strangers shoulder and Jean could just make out the moving of lips as the stranger whispered into his ear. Jeremy laughed at whatever he said and ground his hips against him more as they danced.

Jean finally decided he'd had enough punishment and turned his stool back to the bar and let his head fall to the surface. He felt a bitter jealousy rising in his stomach and his first thought was to pick himself up, go to the floor, and grab the guy by the neck to pull him away from Jeremy. The thought just made him hurt even more, Jeremy wasn't his. Jeremy could dance with whoever he wanted to. Jeremy could go home with whoever he wanted to while Jean drove Laila and Alvarez back to the cabin. The thought alone made him sick.

A hand pressed against Jean's back and his body went tense, “You OK?”

Jean slowly looked up at the man standing above him. He was tall, taller than Jean if that was even possible. His hair was dark and his face was full of angles. Jean didn't like the vibe he was putting off.

“ _Oui_ ,” Jean mumbled, “I am fine.”

“Wow,” The guy smiled, “Your accent is...wow.”

“Thank you,” Jean said politely, conscious to keep his words in English now, “I am sorry if I was in your way of the bar.”

“No!” The guy laughed, “You're not in the way at all.”

“Ah,” Jean said and tried to turn his body away from the man.

The guy just leaned in closer as he sat down in Jeremy's abandoned stood, “So, are you here with anyone?”

“I am here with friends,” Jean said awkwardly as his eyes scanned the dance floor and found Laila and Alvarez still kissing while Jeremy danced with his mystery man.

“They can't be good friends if they left a pretty boy like you all alone,” The man grinned.

Jean's entire world froze. Pretty boy. Pretty boy. Pretty boy. It repeated over and over in his head like a war drum calling all his demons out for battle. _You're such a pretty boy, stop moving._

“They...they will be right back,” Jean managed to stammer.

“Well, why don't I keep you company until they do. Then I can give them a piece of my mind for leaving someone as good looking as you alone. You know, there are a lot of creeps out there that would do anything to get you alone with them.”

Jean's body began to seize with panic. He tried desperately to slow his breathing from the ragged pace it had picked up but he didn't want to close his eyes and leave himself vulnerable to the man who was next to him. Jean felt a hand fall onto his thigh and it began to squeeze. Jean felt like he was going to throw up.

“No. No. No. No. _Non. Non. Non. Non._ ” Jean repeated over and over.

“What the hell?” The guy asked as he moved himself in closer, “Are you really OK?”

Jean bolted upright, sending his stool flying backwards as he stood. He tried desperately to move his body to get himself away from the man but his legs were frozen in place as they trembled with fear and old memories. Two hands fell onto Jean's shoulder and began to grip harder and Jean opened his eyes to find the man leaning in closer to him, almost shaking him. The world around him had gone silent and he closed his eyes, ready to resign himself to whatever fate was about to befall him when suddenly the arms were ripped from his shoulders.

Jean opened his eyes again to find Jeremy standing in front of him, his back turned to Jean with a furious posture. The guy who was talking to Jean had been thrown almost completely across the room and half of his face was red and already beginning to swell. Jean looked down at Jeremy's hand and found it bright red with split knuckles.

Jeremy turned back to him and held out a hand, Jean only nodded before the hand was pressed against his cheek. Jeremy's face was burning with an intensity and anger that Jean had never seen before. Jean was once again reminded of the sun, but this time not for it's bright warmth. Jeremy reminded Jean of the dangers of the sun, of how the sun had the ability to warm you and create life but that it was, at it's truest form, a raging ball of fire that had the ability to burn you if you were under it's gaze for too long. Jeremy's face burned with the intensity of a thousand suns and all of that heat was there to protect Jean.

Jean leaned into the touch, relishing the warmth of Jeremy's hand. Jean was vaguely aware of Laila and Alvarez flanking him and their defensive posture as well. Jean's friend were surrounding him this time, nothing bad could happy to him while they were there. Jean felt his legs go weak and fell into Jeremy's grasp. Jeremy ran a hand through Jean's hair and whispered to him.

“Did he do anything to you?” Jeremy asked, “I saw you from the dance floor, I know what you look like when you're scared and you looked terrified. I saw that assholes hands on you and I...”

“No,” Jean said, “He...put his hand on my leg but I don't think he was trying to do anything more. He didn't do anything directly to me.”

“Hey,” the now familiar voice of the stranger at the bar said, “I'm really sorry. He said he wasn't with anyone and he's cute so I was just trying to talk to him. I didn't know he was taken.”

“Get the fuck away from us before I give you another black eye to match the one I just gave you,” Jeremy growled.

“Seriously dude,” Alvarez said, “Just keep walking.”

“You guys are fucking crazy,”the stranger mumbled as he walked away rubbing his face.

“Let's go,” Jeremy said as he lopped an arm around Jean's shoulder, “Are you OK to drive?”

“We don't have to leave,” Jean said, “You were having fun, I don't want to make you leave who you were dancing with.”

“Who?” Jeremy questioned, “That guy on the dance floor? I wasn't even paying attention to him, he was just using me to make some guy he was here with jealous.”

“I cleared out our tab,” Laila said softly, “They also politely requested that we leave before someone calls the cops or Jeremy punches another person.”

“That was bad ass, Jer,” Alvarez laughed as they made their way to the door, “I never thought I'd see you hit someone off the court!”

“Yeah,” Jeremy laughed nervously, “That was kinda the first time I've ever hit someone.”

Jean cradled Jeremy's hand in his as they walked, his knuckles were bleeding more now, “I can tell, you do not have the proper technique. It is a wonder you didn't break a finger.”

“Woulda been worth it even if I did,” Jeremy shrugged, “That guy gave me the creeps.”

“Always so protective,” Laila laughed, “Help me into the car, Sara. I don't think I can climb into that thing by myself.”

Alvarez laughed and picked Laila up into her arms and threw her over her shoulder as Jeremy unlocked the car. Alvarez placed Laila into the car first before climbing in over her and shutting the door. Jean heard the engine start and figured the girls were most likely turning the heat on in the SUV.

“Wanna talk about it?” Jeremy asked.

“I...” Jean trailed off, “I don't know if I can. Not with you.”

Jeremy frowned, “OK. I'm not going to push you, but just know that I'm here.”

“I know,” Jean said softly, “You're always there when I need you, Jeremy.”

Jeremy laughed, “One of my charms.”

Jean shook his head as he lightly pushed Jeremy away from him. Jean's eye caught Jeremy's hand once more and he grabbed it before he realized what he was doing. Jean raised the hand to his lips and placed a light kiss on each of the split knuckles, three in total.

“ _Merci, mon protecteur._ ”

 

 


	12. it's only dust, making up the two of us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a kinda intense discussion about rape at the end of the chapter, nothing worse than whats been in the story so far but the moment itself is kinda heavy so read accordingly

 

 

 

 

**douze**

_it's only dust, making up the two of us_

 

Jeremy's hand was on fire but it wasn't because of the punch. The car ride home from the club was spent in complete silence. Jean gripped the wheel so tight as he drove that his already pale knuckles were a ghostly shade of white. Jeremy's own knuckles weren't in much better shape, he looked down at his hand and traced his finger over the splits in the surface of his skin. In hindsight, punching the guy was stupid. Jeremy knew he could have pulled that asshole away from Jean and pushed him across the club and that would have gotten the same exact message across but when Jeremy saw the pure look of fear in Jean's eyes as the guy touched him it lit something primal deep inside Jeremy. He always felt like he needed to protect Jean, it was something he enjoyed. He liked to make Jean feel safe. But this was something different, it was something utterly wild. Jeremy saw how much fear that asshole had put into Jean with a single touch to his thigh and the only thing that Jeremy could think of was making that guy pay the price. Jeremy _wanted_ that asshole to hurt. It was slightly unsettling, the want to actually inflict pain on another person, and Jeremy was lucky he didn't actually damage his hand any further than just a few splits in his skin.

Jean hadn't given Jeremy a single glance since they'd gotten into the car. One second, Jean was reverently lifting Jeremy's injured hand to his lips, pressing kisses to the split surface, and mumbling something in french and the next he was a silent obelisk in the drivers seat. Jeremy tried not to read too much into it, something about the guy in the club had obviously scared Jean and it was more than just a simple flashback to pain inflicted by Riko's blades. Whatever it was, Jeremy knew Jean well enough to know that he would only talk about it when he wanted to and if he ever actually did want to talk about it then it wouldn't be in front of the girls. So instead of focusing on the silence, Jeremy focused on the memory of Jean's lips against his skin. Jean's lips were softer than he had imagined and Jeremy had imagined the feel of them one too many times.

The drive back to the cabins took half the time that the drive from them took. Jean had apparently gotten over his hesitation to drive in the snow and would rather go a few miles over the speed limit this time if it managed to get them back all that much faster. The cabin had an odd stillness as the pulled into the previous parking space, all the lights were still on but there seemed to be no movement coming from inside. They had been gone for a few hours so Jeremy figured the rest of the team was either passed out or split between the other two cabins. Either option worked for him, he wasn't exactly in the mood to be around a large group of people for once and he knew Jean wouldn't want to be either. Jean was out of the car and into the house almost as soon as he shut the engine off.

Alvarez leaned forward and pressed her head against Jeremy's as Laila stirred from her sleep in the back seat, “Is he OK?”

“I don't know,” Jeremy admitted, “You take care of Laila, get her some water and something to eat before she goes to sleep. I'll give Jean some time to himself before “I try and talk to him.”

“What was that in the club?” Alvarez asked, “You went all mama bear on that guy. I mean, I saw the way Jean reacted to him but I've never seen you do something like that, Jer. Yeah, it was kinda hot but you have to admit it was reckless.”

Jeremy let out a long breath, “I know, I know. I could have fucked up my hand, I could have seriously hurt the guy, but I didn't really care. All I wanted to do was just...fucking hurt that guy for making Jean feel however he did.”

“I get it,” Alvarez smiled, “It's the same feeling I get whenever some dick says something to Laila and hurts her feeling.”

“And what would you call that feeling?” Jeremy asked, his voice hesitant.

“You really want me to say it?” Alvarez asked.

Jeremy only nodded.

Alvarez rested her hand on his shoulder and smiled softly, “I'd call that feeling love.”

 

-

 

Jeremy took his time as he finished bandaging his knuckles. After spending a few minutes disinfecting the cuts his hand only dully ached. He'd left Jean alone the entire time, even after helping Alvarez get Laila upstairs and tucked into their bed. It was close to an hour after getting home when Jeremy finally stood from the bed in his shared room with Jean and ventured downstairs to find him. Jeremy found the entire inside of the first level abandoned with no sign of Jean or any other Trojans. The door to the back porch was slightly ajar and Jeremy decided that it was his next destination. When Jeremy reached the door he could already see Jean sitting on the edge of the hot tub with his feet dangling in the water. Jean's dark pants were rolled up close to his knees and he sat with his back to the door and his eyes closed.

Jeremy hesitated at the threshold before lightly tapping on the glass and making his presence know, “Hey, it's Jeremy.”

Jean was silent for a moment and his eyes were still closed when he spoke, “Hello.”

“Hey,” Jeremy said again, and then grimaced, “I just wanted to check on you. I tried to give you some alone time, and I'll give you more if you want me to get lost, but I just wanted to make sure you were OK.”

Jean seemed to consider Jeremy's words before he opened his eyes and let out a breath that fogged in the air in front of his face, “I would not mind the company.”

Jeremy smiled and stepped out onto the back patio, “How's the water?”

“Warm,” Jean said as he looked down into the bubbling pool, “Relaxing.”

Jeremy took a seat on the edge of the hot tub directly across from Jean, he pulled off his shoes and rolled his own pants up before he let his legs dip into the water. Jean was right, it was almost immediately relaxing and he let out a contented sigh.

A few minutes of companionable silence passed before Jean spoke again, “How is your hand?”

Jeremy looked down at his hand and shrugged, “It's fine. I wrapped it and got some peroxide on the cuts so everything should be all good. No major damage.”

“It was a very stupid thing what you did,” Jean said, “You could have damaged your hand.”

“I know,” Jeremy admitted for what felt like the hundredth time that night, “It was a split second decision, I wanted to get that guy away from you and he pissed me off so I hit him.”

“I would expect something like that from Andrew Minyard,” Jean gave an almost bitter smile, “Then again, he has different reasons to be protective of Josten.”

“Josten?” Jeremy raised an eyebrow, “I thought his whole protection thing was with Kevin?”

“He protects Kevin, yes,” Jean rolled his eyes, “But not in the same way as he does Josten.”

Jeremy furrowed his brow, “I have literally no idea what you're talking about. The Foxes make no sense sometimes.”

Jean only rolled his eyes again before he gave Jeremy a bored look. Jean was obviously waiting for him to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Jeremy turned the words in his head over and over until...oh.

“ _Oh_ ,” Jeremy said, drawing out the first letter, “Wow, I did not see that one coming.”

“I believe I just outed someone,” Jean said guiltily, “I should not have said that.”

Jeremy smiled and mimed locking his mouth shut and throwing away the key, “Secret is safe with me.”

Jean only shook his head and closed his eyes. Jeremy looked at him for a moment before the realization of what Jean had said previously hit him. Jean made a point to say that Jeremy's protectiveness of him was not the same as Minyard's. Jean didn't think Jeremy was protecting him because he had feeling for him.

“You're quiet,” Jean said as he opened his eyes, “You're only quiet when you're thinking about something.”

“I am,” Jeremy admitted, “Thinking.”

“About?” Jean asked, leaning forward just a little bit.

“What you just said,” Jeremy forced out, the words fighting him as they went, “About how my reason to protect you is different than Minyard's for protecting Josten.”

“Why are you thinking about that?” Jean said, his voice dropping lower.

Jeremy ran through a million responses in his head before he settled on one that was equal parts safe and dangerous, “Why do you think I'm so protective of you?”

“Because we're friends,” Jean shrugged, “It's the only reason that makes sense.”

“What do you mean by that?” Jeremy asked.

“Because I am me,” Jean said softly, “and you are you.”

“And the sky is blue,” Jeremy laughed, “What does that have to do with anything?”

“It has everything to do with this whole thing,” Jean snapped, his legs kicked forward and water splashed on Jeremy, “Even if... _mon dieu..._ even if I wanted to be more than your friend you would never want me in that way. You could never want me the way that I am.”

Jeremy's breath caught in his chest and his ribs felt like they were folding in on themselves, “Jean, are you saying what I think you're saying?”

Jean clenched his fist and slammed it against the deck, “I don't know! Renee, she told me to tell you, to tell you everything. But if I tell you then I will lose you and I cannot lose you, Jeremy.”

Jeremy had to keep reminding himself to breath. He wanted nothing more than to bridge the few feet of space between himself and Jean and pull him into his arms but Jeremy knew, even when he was still in the foggy clutches of the drinks from the club, that it would have been a bad idea.

Jeremy let the silence ride between them for a few moments, “It's funny,” Jeremy said.

“What?” Jean snapped, “What about this is fucking funny?”

Jeremy didn't let Jean's words phase him, “It's funny that I've been thinking the same thing for months.”

Jean's eyes went wide, “Do not. Do not say anymore, Jeremy.”

“Why?” Jeremy challenged him, “Tell me you don't want to hear what I'm about to say next. Tell me you don't want to hear what I've wanted to say for months but haven't because I didn't want to scare you away. Tell me to drop this whole thing right now and I will.”

Jean's entire body went still, “I cannot hear it,” Jean whispered, “I cannot hear it because it is something that I cannot have.”

Jeremy tried to fight his smile but he knew he was failing, “Jean, if you want me then you can have me. Because, god, I've wanted to tell you that forever.”

“I do,” Jean whispered, “I do want you. And it terrifies me because I cannot have you.”

“Why?” Jeremy prodded, “All I see stopping us right now is a pool of water.”

Jean let out a bitter laugh, “It is so much bigger than that, Jeremy. You don't know, you can never know.”

Jeremy clenched his fist. They were talking circles and he was trying to fucking hard to understand what Jean was saying but nothing would come. Jeremy thought of the scars on Jean's wrist that neither of them talked about and wondered if that was what he was trying to say. Jeremy had never once thought less of Jean because of them.

“Jean,” Jeremy said, “I...I don't know what to tell you. I...there's nothing you could tell me that would make me think less of you. Nothing you could say would change the fact that all I want to do right now, fuck, all I've wanted to do for this is entire tip, is kiss you.”

Jean laughed, it wasn't a happy one, it was a laugh born of anger. Jeremy watched as Jean's face twisted in disgust and suddenly Jean was standing waist deep in the hot tub with all of his clothes still on.

Jean took a step forward as he waded through the water. “Tell me, Jeremy, would you still want me if I told you that Riko had me raped? Multiple times? By multiple men?”

Jeremy felt the world stop around him. The words pierced every inch of them and Jean stood above him with an almost victorious look on his face. Jean intended to wield this truth as a weapon, to use what he felt was his darkest secret to inflict the maximum amount of damage. Jeremy saw it for what it was, Jean said over and over that he didn't deserve Jeremy, that Jeremy wouldn't want him if he knew. Jean wanted to use the truth to drive Jeremy away and if Jeremy had any say in the matter he wouldn't let him.

Jeremy swallowed the lump in his throat and stood, he was conscious of the space between them as they both stood in the water . Their clothes were soaked and their breathes fogged the space between them.

“That doesn't change how I feel about you,” Jeremy finally said, “Nothing would change how I feel about you.”

Jean's eyes went wide and he took a step backwards, splashing water as he went, “How? How could you want me? I am damaged. I could never be the person you want me to be.”

“How?” Jeremy repeated, “Because what happened was not your fault, it wasn't _you_. You, Jean Moreau, are not any less because of it. It was a terrible, terrible thing and I think for the first time in my life I wish Riko was still alive so I could fucking kill him myself for what he did to you.”

Jeremy paused to take a breath. The words came to him easy but he needed a second to collect himself, he'd had a conversation like this with someone before and it wasn't any easier this time but he needed Jean to know how he felt, he needed Jean to know that this changed _nothing_ about what he felt.

Before Jeremy could continue he realized that he was crying, he didn't notice until he felt the tears rolling down his cheek, and as he closed his eyes he felt the familiar sting of tears.

“I don't need you to be anyone other than who you are right now,” Jeremy said, fighting the tightness of his throat, “I don't want you to be anyone else other than the person standing here in front of me in this damn hot tub. The beautiful and fucking strong Jean Moreau.”

Jean was quite for what felt like an eternity, neither of them moved and they held each others gaze.

“I think I am dreaming,” Jean finally said, “This is a nightmare and soon something terrible will happen.”

Jeremy shook his head, “This is real. Everything I said is real.”

“I don't know how to do this,” Jean said, his voice shook as he said the words, “I never thought I would want...”

“We'll figure it out together,” Jeremy held out his hand in an invitation, “We'll go as slow as you need to. I don't need anything more from you than what we have now other than to know that you want to try this with me.”

“And if I say no?” Jean asked.

“Then it's a no,” Jeremy swallowed, “I promise you that it won't effect our friendship. If you don't want me in that way you won't lose what we already have.”

Before Jeremy could react Jean had reached out and taken his hand. Jeremy moved forward thought the water as Jean pulled him in. Their hands were pressed together in the spaced between their chests and Jeremy had to angle his head upwards to be able to see Jean. They were both trembling and Jeremy could feel Jean's breath on his face as he looked up at him.

“Is this a yes?” Jeremy asked.

Jean answered him with a kiss.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, they finally kissed


	13. i'll take what i get, i'm starving for it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which things get steamy and emotional

 

 

 

 

**treize**

_i'll take what i get, i'm starving for it_

 

Jean couldn't pull his lips away from Jeremy's. Every warning in his body was screaming at him, in French and English, to stop, to push Jeremy away and forget this ever happened. But they both knew that he couldn't. Jean's hand escaped from where it was pinned between himself and Jeremy and he threaded it around Jeremy's back, pulling him closer. Jeremy let out a startled gasp at the sudden pull and Jean pulled away, giving Jeremy a few seconds to recover before he dove back in for another kiss.

“Jean,” Jeremy whispered.

Jean removed his mouth from Jeremy's, only to briefly growl, “Not now. No talking.”

Jean couldn't bare words right now. Words meant promises that Jean didn't know he could believe. Jean pulled Jeremy back in and let his arms travel up Jeremy's back, pulling at the wet material of his shirt, before his hands drug back down and settled on Jeremy's hips. Jean realized that both of Jeremy's hand were now shoved in his pockets and Jean thought that Jeremy must have been making a conscious effort to not touch him. It was an act that both angered Jean and made his heart soar. Part of him couldn't believe that, even in the heat of the moment, Jeremy would consider his boundaries. But the other part of him, the darker, angrier part, was fighting back venomous thoughts about how Jeremy must think he's some broken and wilted flower.

Jean bit at Jeremy's lip, drawing a moan from him, before he pushed him back and broke his own rule, “Touch me.”

Jeremy swallowed and Jean traced the bob of his throat with his eyes, “Where?”

Jean's grip tightened on Jeremy's shoulders and he hesitated for only a moment before he answered, “Wherever you want, I'll stop you if I don't want it and you will do the same if you don't want me touching you.”

Jean didn't give Jeremy time to answer before he smashed their lips back together. Teeth collided and Jean bit at Jeremy's lips again and it drew another moan. Jean pushed his hands under the fabric of Jeremy's shirt and dug his blunt nails into Jeremy's soft skin, dragging them down his exposed back.

“Fuck,” Jeremy moaned, “Yes.”

Interesting, Jean thought. Jeremy Knox seemed to like a little pain.

“Take it off,” Jeremy rasped, before quickly adding, “If you want.”

Their lips barely broke apart as Jean quickly lifted the shirt over Jeremy's head. The material was wet from the hot tub and it took a few tries to get it over his head but once it was free of Jeremy's body it was balled up and tossed carelessly to the side of the deck.

Jean ran his hands up the front of Jeremy's body, taking precious time to feel his way up Jeremy's defined abs and over the muscles of Jeremy's chest. Jean was worried that Jeremy's skin would burn him, he'd thought of this moment so many times, of touching the sun, and he always figured it would hurt. But it didn't hurt, it felt better than anything Jean had ever felt in his entire life.

Jean's hand found one of Jeremy's nipples and he leaned down to Jeremy's neck to lick a strip of skin as he took it between his index finger and thumb and began to lightly twist and squeeze it.

Jeremy let out a high pitched gasp before leaning into the pressure, “Again,”

Jean bit Jeremy's neck and obliged his request, simultaneously biting into Jeremy's skin and playing with his nipple. Jeremy's hands shot up Jean's back and began to claw at the wet material of his shirt. Jean tensed for a moment, waiting for the feeling of hands on his body to terrify him, and the moment never came.

Jeremy's hands, as they had felt for months now, were a lifeline. Jean couldn't be afraid with Jeremy's hands on his body. Jeremy was nothing like the men who had hurt him, then men who's faces he never even saw. No one had ever touched him like Jeremy, with hesitation, with passion, with something Jean couldn't possibly understand. Jeremy didn't bring back memories of pain and abuse, instead he offered dangerous promises of a brighter future.

“Take my shirt off,” Jean echoed Jeremy's earlier words, “I want to feel your hands on my skin.”

Jeremy didn't hesitate and Jean took it as a good sign, he lifted his hands upwards as Jeremy pulled the shirt over his head and smiled as Jeremy had to push himself up on his toes to fully get the shirt off of him because of the height difference. The shirt joined Jeremy's in a hapless pile and Jean took a step back so Jeremy and he could really look at each other. Jean watched Jeremy's eyes as they raked over his body. He knew his body was in good shape, objectively, if you ignored the scars but Jeremy's body had more muscle than his own.

Jeremy slowly reached his hand out and splayed it across Jean's chest. Warmth bloomed from the area that Jeremy's hand covered and Jean, again, waited for the terror that came with the touch, the terror never came.

Jeremy came closer, water splashing as he moved, and pressed a kiss to into the dip of Jean's neck. It made Jean's body tremble in all the right ways and he actually gasped when he felt Jeremy's tongue prod against his skin.

Jean threaded his fingers through Jeremy's damp hair and pulled his head away from his skin to whisper, “Don't bite me,”

It wasn't a warning that Jean thought he would have to give but it also wasn't a chance that Jean wanted to take. Everything with Jeremy felt perfect and he didn't want to risk being thrown back into a memory on accident.

“I wont,” Jeremy said softly before pushing himself upwards to meet Jean's lips again.

Jean stumbled, pulling at Jeremy, and suddenly they were both in the water, drifting away from each other as their heads bobbed up above the surface of the hot tub. Jeremy let out a riotous laugh as his hands emerged from the water and scrubbed through his hair. Jean suddenly realized how ridiculous they must look, standing half clothed in a hot tub while making out with each other. Still, Jean was grateful for the distance and the shocking effect of the hot water that allowed him to think for a moment.

“Are we really doing this?” Jean asked.

Jeremy laughed again and moved closer, “You're asking that _now_?”

Jean huffed and splashed a wave of water in Jeremy's face, “Shut up,”

“To answer your question,” Jeremy smiled, “Yes, we really are.”

Jean's hand shot through the water, his fingers wrapping around one of the belt loops of Jeremy's jeans, and their bodies were pressed together again. Jean wrapped his arms around Jeremy, maneuvering him in the small pool so they Jeremy's back was pressed to the edge. Jean moved to Jeremy's side, reaching back and finding the stone bench that was under the water, and fell into the seat. Jean pulled Jeremy on top of his lap and Jeremy's legs opened instantly, his knees settling on either side of Jean. Jean grabbed Jeremy by the hair and pulled his neck to the side, dipping his teeth into the hollow of his collar bone and biting it softly before covering the red area with his tongue.

“Jesus,” Jeremy rasped, “Fuck, you're amazing.”

Jean was impossibly hard and straining against the wet and heavy material of his pants. He could feel Jeremy's erecting pressing into him every time he moved and it sent a chill up his spine. Jean hadn't thought about exactly how far he wanted to go in this exploratory moment but feeling himself hard along with Jeremy suddenly snapped him into awareness of the fact that they were in one of the least private areas of the house and anyone could stumble upon them at anytime.

“We should,” Jean's breath caught as Jeremy ran his hands over Jean's chest before Jeremy dipped his head to Jean's neck and traced a line from there to the edge of Jean's shoulder with his tongue, “We should, fuck, go upstairs.”

Jeremy stopped and pulled his head back, looking at Jean with his blue eyes that were blown wide with pleasure and excitement, “Christ, I forgot we were outside.”

Jean leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Jeremy's lips, “Yes, as much as I am enjoying this I would prefer not to make a public show.”

Jeremy slowly made his way off of Jean's lap, standing up in the middle of the hot tub and looking down nervously, “Well, this is embarrassing.”

Jean rolled his eyes, “I've already felt it,”

Jeremy blushed again and turned his back to Jean, “Christ,”

Jean smiled softly and allowed Jeremy his moment of privacy, it was cold enough outside that once Jean got out of the water his problem took care of itself after a second or two. Jean looked over his shoulder to find a shivering Jeremy waiting for him, holding out a hand in invitation.

Jean reached out and took it, pulling himself closer to Jeremy. They made their way back into the house after and after checking to make sure the man floor was clear they made a dash for the stairs. The sounds of their wet feet echoed through the main level and they left a less than inconspicuous trail of water leading directly to the door of their room but Jeremy was laughing too hard by the time they made it to their door that Jean couldn't find it in him to care about the mess or the trail of evidence.

Jean looked over his shoulder to make sure the door to Laila and Alvarez's room was still closed before he leaned in close to Jeremy, pinning him between his chest and the wall, and kissed him breathless. Jean laughed into Jeremy's mouth as he heard the sound of Jeremy fumbling for the door knob and suddenly the door swung open with them both leaning into it. Jean stumbled, pushing Jeremy towards the bed, and fell on top of him. Jeremy let out a small groan as Jean's weight fell onto his chest, but it was replaced by a quiet laugh as his hands made his way down Jean's back. Jean didn't miss the way Jeremy's hand automatically removed itself when it got to the particular letter that was carved into Jean's shoulder blade.

“Door,” Jean reminded Jeremy as his head dipped to the hollow of Jeremy's neck and placed a trail of kisses from that spot to the middle of Jeremy's chest. Jean willed himself away from Jeremy's body so he could turn back to the door to close it. The door shut with a small thump and Jean reflexively locked it.

Jean turned around to find Jeremy still lying on the bed with his limbs splayed out. The bulge was back in his pants and Jean's eyes lingered on it for a second until Jeremy propped himself up on his elbows to look at Jean.

“This is,” Jeremy panted, “Amazing.”

Jean covered his mouth with his hand to hide his larger than normal smile, “I am quite fond of it, I must say.”

Jeremy blushed again and rolled onto his side, probably to hide his face Jean figured, “I'm not doing anything wrong, am I?”

Jean smiled turned to a frown, he knew Jeremy meant the question and it made him feel a longing burn in his chest that Jeremy even cared to ask, but he wished the reminders of his delicate state would stop. Jean settled himself onto the bed next to Jeremy, laying on his side and looking Jeremy in the eyes, “You are perfect,”

“OK,” Jeremy whispered, “We don't have to go any further than this,”

“I know,” Jean smiled, “I do not know how far I can go before this stops feeling...perfect...but for now just trust that I will tell you when it doesn't.”

“OK,” Jeremy whispered again before moving closer, “I'm gonna kiss you now.”

“Please,” Jean smiled.

Kissing Jeremy on the bed was slightly more frightening than in the hot tub. There was a brief flicker of panic when Jean felt the weight of his body pressed into the material of the bed as Jeremy's hand traveled up his chest but the panic was subdued the second that Jeremy's lips met his. Jeremy's kiss was tender and full of longing. Jean was kissing the sun and it was illuminating him, driving out every bit of darkness that was threatening to consume him.

Wordlessly, Jean rolled to the side and on top of Jeremy. Jeremy let out a contented sigh as Jean pushed his arms above his head and threaded their fingers together. Jean was glad that Jeremy was willingly letting him take control of the situation, Jean might be fine with it now but that wasn't to say he wanted to feel the weight of another person body on top of him, even if it was Jeremy's. Some things just didn't need to be tested at the moment.

Jean positioned himself in between Jeremy's legs and Jeremy spread himself wider to make room for him. Jean untangled their fingers and ran his crooked index finger longingly down the side of Jeremy's stubbled cheek, “ _Tu es beau_ ,”

Jeremy laughed and Jean felt Jeremy's heartbeat in his chest as they pressed together, “Did you just call me beautiful?”

“ _Oui_ ,” Jean whispered into Jeremy's ear.

Jeremy's entire body shuddered beneath Jean and Jeremy's arms flew to Jean's back, pulling him in closer, “Fuck,”

Jean opened his eyes and took in the sight of Jeremy below him. Jeremy's hair was wet, sticking up every which way, and his skin was slick from the hot tub and the heat between their bodies. Jeremy opened his eyes and Jean looked directly into them, finding himself lost in the pool of blue water. Jean was reminded of Narcissus and suddenly he knew how one could actually drown because they were looking at something they loved. Except instead of his own reflection, Jean was looking at his possible future. Future nights just like this, Jeremy spread beneath him, kissing him furiously, and feeling safer than he'd ever felt in his life. The potential future was overwhelming, like a weight pressing down on him. Jean had to rip himself away from the threatening waters of Jeremy's eyes before he was submerged.

Jean rolled his body off of Jeremy's and fell onto the bed next to him, close enough so their shoulders were still touching but far enough away so Jean couldn't see Jeremy's eyes. Jean felt a million things in that moment and he wasn't sure what he could say to Jeremy to explain himself.

“Hey,” Jeremy said softly, “Are you OK?”

Jean let the silence ride for a moment before speaking, “Yes, I am OK. You didn't do anything.”

“OK,” Jeremy said, “Can I hold your hand?”

Jean opened his hand and Jeremy wasted no time realizing it was an invitation and an answer, “I just became overwhelmed.”

“You don't have to explain yourself to me,” Jeremy said, squeezing Jean's hand tighter.

Jean ignored him, “I wasn't overwhelmed by what were were doing. I was overwhelmed by the future.”

“The future?” Jeremy questioned.

“It is stupid,” Jean sighed, “I thought of this happening again, something like this moment happening years from now as if it was a common thing we did every night and it scared me.”

Jeremy was silent. Jean knew Jeremy wanted to ask _why_ it scared him but he was too... _Jeremy_ to ask.

Jean decided to answer the unasked question, “It scared me because it felt good and I never expected to feel good in that way. I thought that just being alive would be enough, that just playing Exy and being free would be all I needed. I never thought I would want someone like this, not until I met you.”

Jeremy opened his mouth to say something but Jean cut him off.

“It is stupid,” Jean said, “I'm thinking about years from now when we only just kissed. Who's to say there will be a years from now?”

“Well,” Jeremy whispered, “For what it's worth, I like the idea of a years from now.”

“You do?” Jean asked, rolling onto his side so he could look at Jeremy.

Jeremy rolled to meet him, their fingers still clasped together, “Yeah, I do. Listen, I don't do things half way. I think you know that about me by now. I don't do hook ups, I don't do booty calls, I hardly every make out with a random guy at a party just because I don't like the way it feels. Stuff like this is important to me, I need to have a connection with someone to really enjoy something intimate. I'm not trying to make this all about sex because really that's almost the last thing I think of but I'm just telling you that I don't do stuff like _this_ , Jean. Not unless I see a future.”

“I still don't know how you could ever want me,” Jean admitted, “I...”

Jeremy cut him off with a kiss, “Stop.”

“Jeremy,” Jean whispered.

“This is real,” Jeremy said, “I'm real. You're real. We're real. I want you for as long as you'll let me have you.”

Jean hesitated, “And if I want forever?”

Jeremy laughed, “Then I could get used to waking up to this every morning.”

Jean chewed on his lip for a moment, “I could too.”

Jean rolled the word around in his mind. Forever. Once, forever meant endless suffering. Now, forever seemed like a beautiful promise that words couldn't even describe.

“We should sleep,” Jeremy said, “We've got a big day tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Jean echoed.

Jeremy laughed and placed a kiss on Jean's chest, “Snowman competition, babe.”

“Babe?” Jean laughed.

Jeremy blushed, “Sorry.”

“ _Non_ ,” Jean smiled, “I like it, _bébé._ ”

“Stop being all French,” Jeremy groaned, “It makes me want to kiss you even more.”

Jean narrowed his eyes and leaned in close to Jeremy to whisper in his ear, “ _Tu peux m'embrasser quand tu veux, mon soleil._ " 

Jeremy's entire body shuddered and he let out a loud moan, “I don't know what the fuck you just said but I think I need to take a cold shower.”

Jean laughed as Jeremy got up from the bed to turn out the lights in the room. The room fell into a momentary darkness until Jean's eyes adjusted. Jeremy was standing next to the window and the moonlight illuminated him from the side. Jean still almost couldn't believe he was real.

Jean reached out and grabbed Jeremy by the hand, lightly pulling him back into the bed, “Stay with me,”

Jeremy nuzzled his face into Jean's hand, “I'm not going anywhere.”

Jeremy placed a kiss on Jean's forehead before pushing himself to the far side of the bed, far enough away so that he wouldn't touch Jean as they slept. Suddenly, the distance that Jean had almost begged for two days earlier seemed to be too much. Jeremy was now too far away and Jean was worried that he would somehow float away in the middle of the night.

“Jeremy,” Jean whispered.

“Yeah?” Jeremy asked, opening his eyes.

“Can I...” Jean trailed off, he felt like a fool for even wanting to ask.

“What?” Jeremy said softly, he must have noticed the pink of Jean's cheeks, “Don't be embarrassed.”

“Can I...” Jean stopped again, “I want to hold you while I sleep.”

Jeremy's mouth fell open for a second before he forced it back closed, “I didn't think...not while you slept.”

“I didn't either,” Jean admitted, “Not until this moment.”

Jeremy was quiet for a moment and Jean felt his throat began to close up. God, he felt so stupid. Jeremy then rolled to his side, turning his face and body away from Jean. Jean closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to process the rejection.

The movement on the other side of the bed made Jean open his eyes again and suddenly Jeremy was close, he had moved his body across the bed and presented his back to Jean.

“I prefer to be the little spoon,” Jeremy laughed, “Hope you don't mind.”

“Spoon?” Jean questioned, “What do spoons have to do with anything?”

Jeremy giggled, actually giggled, “I'll have Laila explain it to you in the morning, just put your arms around me, babe.”

Jean hesitated for a moment before moving himself closer to Jeremy and sliding a hand under his body, pulling him in close and draping his other arm across the bare skin of Jeremy's chest. It felt entirely more intimate than when he was on top of Jeremy and kissing him. Jean could feel the scars of his body pressing into Jeremy, the uneven surfaces of his skin seeming to fit together with Jeremy's like pieces of a perfect puzzle.

Jeremy threaded his fingers into the hand of Jean's that rested on his chest, pulling it up close to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. It was a perfect mirror of what Jean had done to Jeremy earlier in the evening after they left the club.

“Goodnight, Jean.” Jeremy whispered.

Jean savored the moment, taking in the warmth of that was spreading through his entire body. Jean leaned into Jeremy and kissed him on the temple, “ _Bonne nuit_ , Jeremy.”

Jean fell asleep that night thinking of the warmth of the sun and, oddly enough, spoons.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Tu peux m'embrasser quand tu veux, mon soleil." = "you can kiss me when you want, my sun."


	14. heavy metal love of mine

 

 

 

 

**quatorze**

_heavy metal love of mine_

 

Jeremy was woken the next morning by a small kick to his legs. It took him a moment to realize what was happening, when he'd opened his eyes he was looking at the wall but there was a solid presence at his back and arms wrapped around his mid section. It all came flooding back to Jeremy like a tidal wave, the memory of Jean's lips against his, the memory of Jean's hands all over his body, the memory of Jean's teeth on his skin. Jeremy's breath hitched in his chest. It was real, it wasn't a dream. It was real and Jean's arms were wrapped around him.

Jean's grip increased on him and Jeremy smiled, thinking Jean was waking up and pulling him closer. It took a few seconds for Jeremy to realize what was actually happening. Jeremy felt another blow to the back of his legs, nothing hard enough to bruise but more forceful than the one that had woken him. Jean's grip tightened again and Jeremy could hear ragged breaths from behind his head. Jean was having a nightmare.

Jeremy couldn't see the clock from his angle in bed but it was some time in the morning because the sun was filtering through the room. Jeremy was trapped in the vice grip of Jean's arms and he didn't know how to proceed, if they were back in the room at USC he'd gently kneel next to Jean's bed and speak softly to try and coax him out of his nightmare but he wasn't sure if that tactic would work here, he wasn't facing Jean and he didn't know what kind of reaction Jean would have to waking up with Jeremy in his arms.

Still, Jeremy had to try something, he swallowed before speaking softly, “Jean? Jean, wake up.”

Jean mumbled something behind his head, it was less words and more of a muffled cry.

Jeremy's heart ached and he wished he could pry himself from Jean's grip so he could face him but Jeremy knew that touching him would do more harm than good, “Jean, it's me, it's Jeremy. Wake up, come back to me.”

Jean let out a string of words in French, none of which Jeremy understood but even they didn't sound like they really went together.

“Jean,” Jeremy's voice was louder this time, “Wake up.”

Jean inhaled deeply from behind Jeremy and Jeremy could feel the gasping breath on the back of his neck. Jean's arms immediately withdrew from Jeremy and Jean let out an ear piercing scream, it was louder than Jeremy had ever heard him before. Jeremy twisted his body around to meet Jean's face and saw pure terror in his eyes, Jean's face went pale white at the sight of him and suddenly there were two hands coming towards him. Jeremy braced himself for a blow to the face but was instead met with force to his chest and he rolled off of the bed with a loud thump. His head hit the side of the wall but Jeremy was pretty sure it wasn't hard enough for any lasting damage.

Jeremy was on his knees in a second, draping his arms over the far side of the bed and pressing his face into the mattress so he was eye level with Jean. Jean was curled into a ball, his face was still a stark white and he was still gasping for air.

“Jean,” Jeremy whispered, “It's me, you're here with me in the mountains, it's safe.”

Jean blinked for a few seconds before the light returned to his eyes, “Jeremy,”

“Yeah,” Jeremy smiled, “It's me.”

“You,” Jean stumbled over the simple word, “I...I hurt you.”

Jeremy rubbed the back of his head, it was a little sore but nothing some ice wouldn't fix, “It's OK, it wasn't your fault. My head is fine.”

“No!” Jean protested, “In my dream...I hurt you.”

Jeremy's mouth suddenly went dry, he'd assumed Jean was dreaming about the dark events of his own life, it never would have occurred to him that Jean would dream about Jeremy himself being hurt, “You didn't hurt me, I'm here.”

“I...” Jean trailed off, “It was so terrible, Jeremy. I knew what i was doing but I couldn't stop. Riko, he...Riko wouldn't let me stop hurting you.”

Jeremy tried to give Jean his best smile but he knew it was faltering, not for the first time, but Jeremy wished Riko were alive so he could kill him himself. Jeremy reached a hesitant hand out across the bed, holding his palm up in a silent invitation, “Riko isn't here. Riko isn't anywhere. He can hurt anyone.”

Jean's hand shot towards Jeremy's, twisting into it and holding tight like it was the only thing tethering him to this plane of existence. In some ways, Jeremy thought, maybe it was.

“I pushed you off the bed,” Jean said slowly, “I am so sorry. Are you OK?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy smiled, “I've fallen out of my own bed so many times, it really wasn't any different.”

Jean's frown stayed in place, “I've never woken to anyone in my arms before. I didn't think last night that it would be a problem. Perhaps...perhaps it is.”

Jeremy slowly crawled back onto the bed. Keeping his hand clasped to Jean's he laid down across from him so their noses were only a short distance apart, “Don't go there, Jean. It's a learning experience for both of us and we'll figure out a way to make it work. I meant everything I said last night, I'm in this for however long you want me to be. Being pushed off of the bed isn't going to scare me away.”

“What if,” Jean swallowed, “What if I wake up screaming every morning? Will you still want me then?”

“Of course,” Jeremy laughed.

Jean eyes narrowed but he seemed to relax a few seconds later because Jeremy could see the tension in Jean's shoulders melt away. “You are odd, Jeremy Knox.”

Jeremy laughed, loud enough to feel the vibrations against Jean's skin. “Tell me something I don't know.”

Jean closed his eyes and leaned forward and Jeremy smiled in anticipation. Their lips bridged the short distance between their bodies and Jeremy melted into the feeling of Jean. Jeremy let out a soft sigh and felt Jean smile against his lip. They broke apart only a few seconds later and most of the color had seemed to return to Jean's face.

“Last night wasn't a dream?” Jean asked.

“Nope,” Jeremy confirmed, “It was all real, babe.”

Jean groaned and rolled onto his back, softly pulling his hand from Jeremy's and covering his face with it. “That is so embarrassing.”

“Why, babe?” Jeremy prodded him, “What's so embarrassing about it, babe?”

“Stop!” Jean laughed, “You're making me blush!”

Jeremy paused at the sound of Jean's laughter. It was beautiful and almost child like, it was a sound that Jeremy had never heard come from Jean before and he couldn't wait to hear more of it.

A few soft taps came from the door, “Jeremy?” Jean recognized the voice as Alvarez, “Is everything OK? Laila swears she heard screaming earlier.”

Jean froze and covered his face in embarrassment. Jeremy leaned in and placed a kiss on his forehead, “I'll take care of her.” Jeremy resisted adding a babe to the end of his sentence, but just barely.

Jeremy crawled out of the bed, pulling a random shirt over his head to hide the bruises that Jean's mouth had left on him last night, and cracked the door to meet Alvarez, “Yeah, everything is fine.”

“You sure?” Alvarez raised an eyebrow, “Laila is pretty positive she heard screaming.”

“I said everything is fine,” Jeremy said a bit more forcefully, “Jean and I will be down in a little bit for breakfast.”

“Excuse me for checking on you,” Alvarez rolled her eyes before pressing her head through the crack of the door, “Hopefully you're in a better mood than Captain Sunshine over here, Moreau!”

“Go away, Sara.” Jean called from the bed before throwing a pillow at her face.

Alvarez just barely managed to dodge it by ducking and quickly picked it up from the floor and threw it back at Jean, “Fine, see if I save either of you too ungrateful assholes any coffee!”

Jeremy laughed and lightly pushed her out of the room, “Go away, we'll be down in a minute.”

Alvarez turned away and stalked back down the hallway, grumbling the entire way about ungrateful captains and french assholes with terrible aim.

Jeremy closed and locked the door behind him before hurrying back to Jean who was laying in bed bed with his arms stretched about his head. Jeremy took a moment to stand at the foot of the bed and really look at Jean. Jeremy's eyes followed the scars across Jean's body, the scars that he barely even noticed anymore. Jeremy took in the delicate skin, so pale and white that it almost looked like alabaster. If Jean saw Jeremy as the sun then Jeremy saw Jean as an alabaster prince, beautiful, delicate, and priceless. Jean wasn't as outright muscular as Jeremy was but with the way he was laying Jeremy could trace every single lithe muscle under Jean's skin. It honest to god took his breath away.

Jean eventually opened his eyes, “What are you doing?”

“Looking at you,” Jeremy said, almost reverently, “You're so fucking perfect, Jean.”

Jean's pale skin turned bright red, “Don't,”

“Why?” Jeremy asked as he crawled back into bed with him, “I'm just telling the truth.”

“We don't see the same truth,” Jean said.

Jeremy smiled softly, “Get used to it, the truth hurts.”

Jean rolled his eyes, “No more talking,”

Jeremy laughed and rolled onto his back in silent invitation for Jean. Jean wasted no time throwing his leg over Jeremy's mid section and settling in on top of him, diving deep down for a kiss, Jeremy's breath caught as Jean pushed down upon him, it was so much more intense this morning without the buzz of alcohol. Jeremy could feel every single place his body touched Jean's and it was electric.

Jean's hands found their way under Jeremy's shirt and he pushed it upwards, “Can I take this off?”

“Yes,” Jeremy rasped, “Please, god, please.”

The shirt being pulled over his head blinded Jeremy for a moment before Jean threw it to the side of the room and leaned back down to kiss Jeremy's neck. The sensation wracked Jeremy's body with chills. More so when he felt Jean's teeth sink into his skin. If Jeremy didn't know any better he'd think Jean was some kind of vampire. Regardless, it felt fucking amazing.

Jeremy was more cautious about where he touched Jean. Jeremy avoided anything that could be construed as an attack or something restraining and he tried to keep his hands away fro the scar on Jean's shoulder as best as he could. Jeremy couldn't stop his hands from traveling up the front of Jean's body though, his fingers dipping into the canyons between Jean's abs and swirling satisfied circles into his chest when he felt the goosebumps he left in his wake.

Jeremy was hard and knew he was tenting his sweatpants, he could feel Jean pressing against him too but neither of them made any comments about it. Jeremy was more than content to lay beneath Jean and let Jean do as he wished, he was in no rush for any kind of carnal thrill and he knew that Jean wouldn't do anything about either of their growing problems until he was comfortable. All Jeremy wanted was Jean's trust and affection in the moment.

Jean lightly bit Jeremy's collar bone before rolling off of him and covering his lap with a blanket, “We should go downstairs before Alvarez returns with backup.”

Jeremy laughed and rolled over onto his stomach to hide himself as to not make Jean uncomfortable, “The door is locked, I could stay in here and do exactly this all day.”

“Really?” Jean asked his voice dripping with sarcasm, “What about your precious snowman competition?”

“Who needs a man made out of snow when I have you?” Jeremy laughed before wincing at how terrible of a line that was.

“That was terrible and now I am not going to kiss you as punishment,” Jean shook his head and got up from the bed, keeping his back turned to Jeremy as he walked to the bathroom and closed the door. Jeremy waited for a moment until he heard the shower turn on and got out of the bed, pulling the discarded shirt back over his head and heading downstairs.

 

-

 

Jean turned the water to it's hottest setting as he stepped into the shower. He hissed in pain at first until his skin got used to the searing heat. He began to scrub at his body, running furious hands over his skin and through his knotted hair to try and erase the images of Jeremy from his dream. Jean couldn't rid himself of the look on Jeremy's face as Riko forced him to handcuff Jeremy to his bed and drag the knife across his skin. He couldn't rid himself of the sound of Jeremy's screams as Jean carved words into Jeremy at Riko's command.

Jean took a step back and turned off the volcanic spray of water, the tactic wasn't working and he knew it. Trying to cleanse his demons with fire never worked and Jean knew that deep down he was only doing to because he thought he deserved the pain. But if there was one thing that Jeremy had taught him in these past months it was that he didn't deserve pain of any kind. Jean ran a trembling hand through his damp hair as he stepped out of the shower and looked into the mirror. His skin had changed from pale white to a bright red and he instantly felt foolish, Jeremy would see him and know that he'd tried to hurt himself.

Jean sat on the edge of the counter, closed his eyes, and replayed the memories of Jeremy from earlier in the morning. He thought of Jeremy's smile, of Jeremy's hand in his, of Jeremy's lips and how they felt when they touched his skin. Jean used his real memories of Jeremy to fight the dreamed up ghosts and the light of the real Jeremy did more to banish them than the heat of the shower ever could have.

Jean quickly toweled himself off, wincing when he hit a particularly sensitive patch of warm skin, and pulled on the softest clothing he could find before he went downstairs to meet Jeremy and the rest of the team. Jean quickly left the room behind him after slipping on a pair of shoes and made his way to the kitchen, it was where Jeremy's voice was coming from and it was a sound Jean would always follow.

Jean's eyes met Jeremy as he stepped into the room and we was taken aback when Jeremy paused mid sentence to smile at him. Jean was lost in it, even when Jeremy went back to talking all Jean could do was watch him as he spoke. Jean watched the way Jeremy's hands gestured furiously as he spoke and the way that Jeremy cocked his head to the side when he was really listening to what the other person was saying to him in return. Jeremy Knox was a problem, Jean thought, and it was the best kind of problem that Jean had ever had in his life.

“Good morning, Jean,” Laila's soft voice came from behind him.

Jean jumped, startled out of his Jeremy induced haze, “Good morning, how are you feeling?”

Laila laughed and rested her head on Jean's shoulder, “I was pretty bad when I woke up but Sara made me some of her moms famous hangover tea and I think I'm operating at _almost_ full capacity.”

Jean smiled, “I'm glad, not everyone can counteract a hangover with cupcakes like Jeremy can.”

“No,” Laila giggled, “Jeremy is something else.”

Jean felt that warmth in his chest again, “He is.”

Laila lifted her head from Jean's shoulder and gave him a knowing look before hooking their arms together and dragging him towards the coffee maker, “I meant to ask you yesterday but we got so caught up in everything but do you have a partner for the snowman competition?”

Jean played with the hem of his sweater awkwardly and tried to swallow his feeling of embarrassment, “No, all Jeremy told me was that he wouldn't be my partner because he wanted to see if I could beat him.”

Laila pulled two mugs from the sink, inspecting them to make sure they were clean, and thrust one at Jean, “Want to be my partner?”

“Yours?” Jean questioned, “I thought you would be with Alvarez...”

Laila rolled her eyes, “No, she's with Jeremy. They always gang up on me every year because they're _fucking assholes_.”

Laila turned her head towards Alvarez and enunciated the last part clearly so she would hear. Alvarez only blew her a kiss back before dragging her finger across her neck and pointing at Laila.

“My usual partner graduated last year,” Laila continued as she gave Alvarez the middle finger, “We came close to crushing them in the sandcastle competition on last years vacation but they still won. I'm hoping you'll be a ringer for me, I've seen the sculptures you've made.”

Jean blushed, he didn't think anyone knew about the time he spent in the pottery lab. His therapist had gotten him special permission with the school to use the room whenever there wasn't a class in session because he found that creating something with his hands was a better outlet than punching a wall or trying to hurt himself in other ways.

“I didn't think anyone knew about that, Jeremy doesn't even know,” Jean whispered.

Laila smiled and leaned in close, “I've seen you in there over the past few months because I have to pass the pottery lab on my way to one of my classes. I've seen the stuff you've made that you just leave in the room, it's really good.”

Jean smiled and tried to hide it behind his mug, “No one has ever told me that before.”

Laila put her hand on Jean's shoulder, “It's _really_ good, Jean. My brother does it for a living, I've been around it for my entire life so I know good work when I see it. I may have even talked to the art department about letting you sit in on a few of their classes...if you want to that is.”

“What?” Jean gaped, “Why would they let me?”

Laila laughed again, “Because you're _good._ He can see it, the entire class can see it. Honestly, you're kinda like a legend to them, it's cute how they talk about you. Your entire life at USC doesn't have to just be Exy, you're allowed to do more. You're allowed to want more.”

Jean swallowed the lump in his throat and sat his mug on the counter to free his hands so we was able to rub at his eyes and preemptively ward of the sting of tears that was threatening him, “I....thank you. This means very much to me.”

Laila laughed and pulled him into a light hug, “That's what friends are for,”

Jean laughed and rested his head on the top of Laila's before letting her go when she mumbled something about her not being able to breathe.

“So,” Laila grinned, “You gonna help me kick their smug asses all the way down the mountain.”

Jean looked across the room at Jeremy who was still going on about some story or another and smiled.

“Lets do it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love the artist jean concept so much tbh you can pry it from my cold dead hands


	15. just the same as you and me

 

 

 

 

**quinze**

_just the same as you and me_

 

Jeremy followed Jean up to their room after breakfast, frantically trailing after him up the stairs and stumbling over his own feet as he went. Jeremy spent all morning watching Jean, watching Jean's throat as it bobbed when he swallowed his coffee, watching Jean as he licked his lips to fight off the cold weather from affecting them. He thought, maybe foolishly, that he had a rein on his emotions. That finally kissing Jean, _being_ with Jean, would make it easier for them to be around each other. Jeremy slowly found out, however, that it just made things worse. He could still feel the phantom presses of Jean's lips around his neck, he could still feel Jean's hands as they wrapped around his wrists and held him down, he could still feel Jean's teeth sinking into his skin and he missed the feeling every second it wasn't actually happening.

They'd caught each others eyes halfway through breakfast, Jeremy blushing and Jean giving him a sly smirk. The smirk took Jeremy's breath away, any kind of smile from Jean did that. Smiles were something that were once rare to see across the face of Jean Moreau and even though they were becoming more common place Jeremy couldn't help but find himself lost in the curve of Jean's lips.

So as soon as breakfast ended Jean was out of his seat, taking the long way around the table to the sink to pass by Jeremy and lightly trail a finger across his shoulder blades. Jeremy shuddered and caught Jean's eyes again and bit his lip when he saw them alive with fire. The steel color of them turning hot, dripping like molten metal that threatened to burn Jeremy to his very core.

That's how they winded up fumbling for the door knob, Jean flinging the door open with his leg while he pulled Jeremy across the threshold and into their bedroom. Jean pushed him against the wall and locked the door before leaning into Jeremy's neck and letting out a soft breath.

“How long do we have?” Jean asked.

Jeremy was so caught up in the feeling of being pinned against the wall that he didn't realize Jean had asked him a question until he repeated it a second time, “Sorry,” Jeremy laughed, “Rodgers is running the thing, he said everyone needs to be out back by 11am.”

Jean pulled away and craned his head towards the clock on the bed side table, “We have half an hour then,”

“No,” Jeremy laughed against his skin, “We have like 20 minutes of making out with each other and then 10 minutes of calming down and taking a cold shower.”

Jean ran his tongue under Jeremy's jaw and Jeremy almost collapsed, “What if I don't want to stop things this time?”

Jeremy stilled as Jean kept nipping at his neck. It took him a few seconds before his senses came back to him and he fought every hormonal urge in his body that wanted to tell Jean to throw him on the bed and take him apart, be he overcame it, “No.”

Jean stopped immediately, holding his hands up in front of him and taking several steps backwards in order to put as much space between him and Jeremy as possible, “I am sorry, I did not mean...”

Jeremy blinked at him for a moment until the words connected in his head and he frowned, “No, I didn't mean it like that.”

Jean was silent, his hands still held out in front of him.

“I just meant,” Jeremy ran a hand through his hair awkwardly, “God, I'm dumb. I just meant that I didn't want out first time doing....whatever it was that we were going to do to be like this.”

“Like what?” Jean questioned.

Jeremy shrugged and waved his arms around the room, “Like...in the middle of the day and rushed, some like blow and go thing before we have to be back downstairs with our friends.”

“Blow...” Jean trailed off before he began to laugh, “And go?”

“Shut up!” Jeremy blushed, “I just mean that, like, I want it to be special or something...”

Jeremy could feel his face burning up and he knew his skin must be several shades of dark red. Jean was looking at him with something between amusement and fondness and it only made Jeremy's complexion worse.

“Special?” Jean smiled, “Are you going to fill the room with candles and roses?”

“No!” Jeremy snapped, because, no, he had not thought of doing that. At all. Not once. Ever.

Jeremy shook his head and slowly bridged the few feet between him and Jean, holding out his hands in a silent invitation that Jean accepted. When they came back together the kiss was softer, less fire but somehow more passion. Jean gently cupped Jeremy's face, tracing along the line of his jaw with a single finger. Jeremy hummed and leaned into the touch, smiling against Jean's lips.

Jeremy broke away after another second, “I just meant that when we do something I want to be able to enjoy everything, I don't want to have to worry about someone coming up the stairs or someone hearing us or having to make it out back so I can kick your fucking ass.”

Jean growled, offended, and lightly pushed Jeremy away, “You think you're going to beat Laila and I?”

“Think?” Jeremy smiled, “I know.”

Jean looked at him for a moment, crunching numbers in his head, before he leaned forward and kissed Jeremy softly on the lips before kissing his way to Jeremy's ear to whisper, “Enjoy your cold shower.”

Jeremy's stomach flipped as Jean trailed fingers down his back, stopping just above his ass, and then removed themselves. When Jeremy opened his eyes a moment later Jean had already stepped away and unlocked the door to the room. Jean looked back at him once, smiling, before he walked out into the hallway.

Jeremy stood in the middle of the room, dumbfounded, and yelled out to his empty surroundings, “You're going down, Moreau!”

 

-

 

Laila looped her arm through Jean's and pulled him down the steps of the back porch. Jean took in the scene in front of him, the snow had been somewhat cleared so everyone had a level surface to work on. There were five make shift stalls set up that Jean recognized as hastily rigged tree branches draped across sheets from one of the houses.

“What's with the sheets?” Jean asked Laila.

Laila laughed, “They're for privacy. It's so no one on the other teams can see what someone else is doing to copy them or try and out do them.”

Jean shook his head and sighed, “You people really get into this.”

“ _We_ get into this,” Laila pulled him towards their designated area, “Get used to it, we're going to be partners next year too.”

Jean looked down at Laila and watched the way the sun sparkled off the glitter she'd dabbed along her cheek bones. It was so easy for him to forget that he was a part of the team and it wasn't just _you people_. Jean looked at the smiling girl in front of him, the girl that had ridden his ass, that had driven him to the point of homicide in an effort to get him to bond with people, and he was so beyond grateful for her. It was easy to forget that it wasn't just Jeremy who helped him, who _saved_ him, but it was everyone who was standing around him. They all helped in their own way and most of them would never even know it.

“Jean?” Laila's soft voice broke him out of his daze, “Are you OK? You spaced out for a minute,”

“Yes,” Jean coughed out of surprise, “I was just thinking about everything.”

“Hmm,” Laila hummed, “Penny for your thoughts?”

“What?” Jean raised an eyebrow, “Why would I accept a penny in exchange for what I am thinking?”

Laila raised her hand and clasped it over her mouth and stood there for a moment before her shoulders began to shake. A few seconds later her hand dropped from her mouth and she doubled over in a fit of giggles. Jean stood there, silent and confused, and was keenly aware of the embarrassed flush that was covering his face. It took him a second to realize that he probably missed another stupid American saying since everyone seemed to react in the same way when it happened.

Jean glared at her and messed with his bangs, using his gloved hands to try and pull them down as far as he could to cover his eyes.

Laila reached up and brushed his hair out of his face, “Hey, stop! It's fine, I was just wondering what you were thinking.”

Jean ducked his head and let her continue to mess with his hair. It was a far cry from the first time she tried to style it for him and he almost hit her in the face because all he could think about were the times that Riko and the other Ravens ripped his own hair out of his head. It wasn't always the case, but now, in the moment with Laila in front of him and Jeremy's voice drifting softly from somewhere nearby those memories seemed distant and dull.

“I was just thinking about how much things have changed,” Jean said softly, “I never expected any of this.”

Jean looked down and realized her was absentmindedly running his hand over his sleeve, tracing the scars on his wrist underneath the fabric. Before Laila could realize he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked back down at her.

Laila pulled her hand away and smiled, “I knew you'd get here from the moment I met you. I knew it would take a while and I knew it might be a little rough for everyone involved but I always had faith in you, Moreau.”

Jean laughed, his breath fogging in front of his face, “I didn't always have faith but even when I didn't I still had you, and Alvarez...and Jeremy. The enter team, really, even if I didn't realize it at the moment.”

Laila smiled and lightly flicked Jean in the center of the chest, “You're stuck with us forever, Moreau. Now suck it up, I can't have you getting all soft on me before the competition!”

Jean rolled his eyes and pretended not to notice how Laila's eyes seemed to have gotten wet and he turned his head to give her privacy as she wiped a stray tear from the side of her eye. A sharp whistle blew and drew both of their attention back to the deck of the house. Rodgers, one of the dealers, was standing at the top of the stairs with a whistle and a clip board.

“Alright!” Rodgers yelled, “Let's get this thing started now that we've got our five teams here!”

Jean followed Laila's lead as she took a place on the bottom step and Jean noticed that the entire team was gathered around to watch them which wasn't nerve wracking in the slightest. Jean felt a little dumb for getting nervous over something so small, especially given his history, but this entire thing was so much more personal than the biggest give of Exy he'd ever played.

“Give it up for team number one,” Rodgers laughed, “Last years reigning champions, Knox and Alvarez!”

The team cheered and Jeremy stepped forward, obnoxiously bowing to the crowd, “I'm fully prepared to retain out title this year,”

Jean rolled his eyes but cracked the smallest of smiles as he and Jeremy caught each others gaze and Jeremy winked at him.

Jean listened as Rodgers ran through the list of other participants and only vaguely registered him announcing their team.

“Moreau,” Rodgers said, “It's your first year competing, do you have anything you'd like to say?”

Laila pushed him forward so he was standing center stage in front of the entire team. Jeremy was giving him his most blinding smile and Jean saw through the petty attempt at flustering him. Jean locked eyes with Jeremy again and calmly stated, “We are going to win.”

The team erupted into a mixture of cheers and laughter and Jeremy shook his head, though the smile stayed in place.

Rodgers blew the whistle again, “Alright everyone, places! You have exactly two hours to make the most kick ass snowman you possibly can and after time is called the judges, who have been kept secret so none of you assholes try to bribe them, will look over everything and announce the winner.”

Jean followed Laila to their makeshift booth and waited for Rodgers to officially start the competition. Jean formulated a quick plan of attack in his mind and as soon as the whistle was blown he and Laila were off.

“What do you need me to do?” Laila asked.

Jean figured everyone would be going for a traditional snowman that was made up of three separate parts but Jean had a better idea, “Take one of the buckets and fill it with as much snow as you can carry and then dump it out here,” Jean pointed to the ground in front of his feet, “Keep going until we have a pile that comes up to about your shoulders.”

Laila nodded, picking up one of the buckets, and was off. She would return periodically with snow, dumping it out in the designated spot, and then disappear again. As Laila worked Jean took stock of the tools he had at his disposal. There was a small shovel, some kitchen utensils, a bungle of sticks, some stones, and a package of carrots. It was an interesting collection to say the least. Jean eventually picked up the second bucket and went to help Laila in their snow retrieval and after about 20 minutes they had a serviceable pile.

“What now?” Laila asked.

Jean stood back and rested his hand on his chin, “Smooth it out and shape it upwards, try to make it like a large column or something but try to also keep it wide enough that I'll be able to carve something out of it.”

Laila nodded and they both got to work using their hands to shape the mountain of snow into something that resembled a large rectangle. When Jean was satisfied he picked up the small hand shovel and began to use it as a sort of chisel, scraping away at the snow to form the rough outline of what he wanted to make. '

“Holy shit, Jean,” Laila said from behind him, “I didn't know you could do this with snow.”

Jean laughed, “Neither did I, we are lucky this is working.”

Once the basic outline was created with the shovel Jean checked the clock and realized they had 45 minutes left to finish all the details. Jean gave Laila a fork and a knife along with basic instructions of that he wanted her to do to the back of the snow sculpture. While Jean worked on the front of the sculpture he tried to pretend he was working with the usual clay, snow was much more forgiving than the clay but it was also much more fragile and delicate and one wrong move could send the entire project crashing to the ground.

Jean used a few sticks from the bundle near him to draw out the lettering on the sculpture and used a particularly pointy carrot from the package to draw in the details of the face. Once the main details were done all that was left to do was use one of the knifes to finish the last detailed part of the sculpture.

Jean and Laila finished with exactly one minute left on the clock and by the time they were done Jean realized they had drawn a crowd. Jean turned and found almost the entire team concentrated on his and Laila's booth, looking at both of them with wide eyed astonishment and muttering alternating verses of holy shit and no fucking way.

One of the sophomores, Riley, laughed out loud, “Knox, you might want to step your game up with the last minute because Moreau's is-”

Riley was cut off by s carrot that sailed through the air and hit him in the center of his forehead. Jean looked back and found Laila with the package in her hands and a glare on her face, “Shit the fuck up, Riley! Don't give the enemy any kind of information!”

Riley laughed and threw the carrot back at her. Jean caught it out of the air and tossed it to the ground in front of him.

Laila wrapped her hands around Jean's waist and pulled him in close, “This is amazing, Jean.”

Jean looked back at his work and smiled, taking in the sight of the slightly cartoonish snow version of the Trojan's mascot and smiled, “Jeremy will not know what hit him.”

 


	16. he's gonna make it happen

 

 

 

 

**seize**

_he's gonna make it happen_

 

Jeremy stood in front of Jean and Laila's make shift booth and blinked at the piece of artwork that looked back at him. He took a few steps backwards and looked at his and Alvarez's towering monstrosity of a snowman and then slowly let his eyes drift back towards Jean's elegantly carved cartoon version of the Trojan mascot. Jeremy thought that Jean was all out of surprises after that night in the hot tub but there he stood, gaping in wonder.

“You've got to be kidding me,” Alvarez sighed, “Where the hell did this come from?”

Laila laughed and fell in besides Alvarez, resting an arm on Alvarez's shoulder, “It was all Jean, I can't take any credit for it.”

“Jean...” Jeremy said softly, “How did you do this?”

Jean blushed and turned his head to the side in a futile attempt to his his reaction. It just made Jeremy smile more and he had to restrain himself from walking over to Jean and kissing him.

“I...” Jean trailed off, “I've been sculpting in my free time at school for the past few months. They say I am apparently very good at it.”

“Good?” Jeremy breathed, “Jean, you're fucking amazing.”

“Stop,” Jean laughed, his skin turning an even deeper shade of red, “It is nothing special.”

“Bullshit!” Alvarez laughed, “You're like...really fucking talented. How did you know about this, Laila?”

“The pottery lab is on the way to one of my classes and I saw Jean in there a few times working on some projects,” Laila shrugged, “When you and Jer paired off as usual I decided to get myself a dark horse to kick your asses.”

Jean laughed and Laila walked over to him, holding her palm up and high-fiving Jean. Jean winked at her and it sent a jolt through Jeremy's chest.

“Well,” Rodgers said, “This is usually the part where we open it up to the judges but...I don't think we really have to do that since there's a clear and obvious winner.”

“Seriously,” Jeremy laughed, “I just want to go like knock my fucking snowman down, it's so embarrassing compared to Jean's.”

Jean smiled, “Quiet, Knox. Your snowman is very...you.”

Jeremy blushed, “What exactly is that supposed to mean?”

Before Jean could reply Rodgers reappeared and presented Jean and Laila with an envelope, “Here's your prize for first place, a $100 gift card to The Cheesecake Factory!”

Laila laughed and pulled Jean in for a tight hug, Jeremy's chest unfurled with warmth when Jean hugged her back and even went so far as to lift her off of the ground and spin her around while she laughed and leaned into his neck. Jeremy looked to his left and smiled at Alvarez who was watching both of them with the same wonder in her eyes, she and Jeremy shared a brief look, smiled, and bumped their shoulders together. Jean eventually put Laila down and walked over to the two of them with the envelop cradled into his chest.

“You know,” Jeremy grinned and playfully elbowed Jean's side, “I do love me some Cheesecake Factory.”

“That is nice,” Jean shrugged, “Laila and I will bring you back some leftovers when we come back from using our prize.”

Laila rolled her eyes, “Jer, I've been to Cheesecake Factory with you and we both know that $100 is barely enough to cover what you order off the menu just for yourself, let alone the rest of us.”

Jeremy sighed and picked up a handful of show and weighed it in his hand before smiling and tossing it at Laila, it fell apart by the time it reached her and only lightly dusted her hair and shoulders but it was enough of a distraction that she turned to Alvarez to help her brush it off. Jeremy took advantage of the girls diverted attention and leaned in close to Jean.

“I was hoping we could have our first official date tonight,” Jeremy whispered and felt the warmth of his own breath against Jean's ear, “I looked up a few places downtown earlier this morning and there's a french place that people are just _raving_ about.”

Jean laughed, “You really want to take me out on a date?”

“Of course,” Jeremy laughed, “I'm not just in this to spend every night making out with you...as nice as that is.”

Jean's eyes dropped to the snow and Jeremy noticed him playing with the hems of his sleeves, “I've never been on a date before.”

Somehow, Jeremy had figured that would be the case, “I mean, it's not really like a date date since we already know each other, and we like each other, it's just more of a spending time along together and enjoying each others company.”

“Hmm,” Jean hummed, “I supposed I have been on a few dates then.”

Jeremy grinned, “Honestly, you don't know how many of those times we went out for coffee or lunch that I wished were dates.”

Jean blushed and bumped Jeremy with his shoulder, “Can I ask something?”

Jeremy cocked his head to the side, “Sure, what's up?”

“I was wondering,” Jean took a deep breath, “I was wondering if we could tell the girls about us. I didn't want to at first but...I think that they are my best friends and I don't want to lie to them. If you are not comfortable with them knowing or want to keep us a secret I understand but...”

“Jean,” Jeremy laughed, cutting his off from his rambling, “I want to tell them too.”

“Oh,” Jean nodded, “Good.”

“They're like my sisters,” Jeremy shrugged, “And honestly, I've talked to both of them about how I felt about you more times than I'd care to admit so it only feels fair to let them know.”

“I don't want the rest of the team to know,” Jean added, “And I don't want the girls to know what I told you about the nest...any of it.”

Jeremy swallowed a lump in his throat as he realized that neither of them had broached the heavy subjects from a few nights earlier. Jeremy smiled and nodded, “That's not my information to tell and I'd never tell anyone something you didn't want me to.”

The tension in Jean's shoulders deflated as soon as Jeremy closed his mouth and the smile returned to his lips, “Should we tell them then?”

“Now?” Jeremy laughed and shrugged when Jean nodded, “Sure, why not?”

“Laila, Alvarez!” Jean yelled, “Come here.”

The girls both gave Jean a puzzled look before they walked the few feet to were Jeremy and Jean were standing.

“What's up?” Alvarez asked.

“Well...” Jeremy began but was quickly cut off by Jean.

“Jeremy and I are together, we've spent the last few nights making out with each other and we are going on a date tonight, the team does not know but we both wanted to tell you because you are our best friends.” Jean nodded as he finished. The admission was quick, precise, and so very Jean.

A small smiled stretched across Laila's face, “I'm happy for you, thank you for telling me.”

“Wait!” Alvarez yelped, “Did you just...did you, Jean Moreau, just say that I am your best friend?”

Jeremy crossed his arms over his chest, “That is your takeaway from all of this?”

“Shut up,” Alvarez waved her hand at him dismissively, “I knew you two would end up together eventually. What I didn't expect was Jean to tell me that I'm his _best friend_!”

Jean scoffed, “I believe I said that you and Laila were both my best friends.”

“Sure, whatever,” Alvarez shrugged, “But we both know that I'm a better best friend.”

“Really?” Laila mused, “Who was the one that partnered with Jean for the competition?”

Jean huffed, “She has a point. Laila is my first best friend, Alvarez is my second.”

Alvarez inhaled and dramatically clutched her hand to her chest, “You wound me, Jean!”  
“I'm going inside to change,” Jean said, turning his back on the girls and heading up the stairs of the deck.

Jeremy watched him walk away with a smile before turning back to Laila and Alvarez and holding his arms out to the side, “I'm ready for it, hit me.”

“Stop it,” Laila laughed, “I'm happy for the both of you.”

“Details,” Alvarez grinned, “I want all the details!”

Jeremy rolled his eyes and lightly pushed Alvarez away, “There are no details to give you, we're just kinda going for it.”

“How did it happen?” Alvarez sighed, “Those are the details I want!”

“It's...a long story,” Jeremy shrugged, “It happened the night we got back from the club, we stayed up for a bit, talked in the hot tub, and then we ended up kissing and going back upstairs and making out for like an hour and now here we are. And those are all of the details you're getting from me, if you want to know anything else then you go to Jean.”

“Wait,” Alvarez said, “So are you like together or just having fun?”

Laila smacked her in the back of the head, “You know Jeremy isn't a _having fun_ kind of person.”

“We're together,” Jeremy said softly, “I...it's early and everything but yeah, we're together.”

Laila gave Jeremy her biggest smile and pulled him forward, wrapping him in her arms while Alvarez embraced him from behind. Jeremy laughed and let the sandwich happen.

“I'm so happy for you,” Laila said, “I know how long you've thought about this and how long you've liked Jean.”

“Stop being sappy,” Jeremy laughed, coughing slightly to cover the quiver in his voice, “but thank you.”

The hug broke and Jeremy felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He ignored Alvarez's question as he fished his phone out and unlocked it, smiling as he read.

 

 **Jean** : I am upstairs and would like to kiss you before our date.

 

 **Me** : omw

 

 **Jean** : What does that mean?

 

Jeremy laughed and shoved his phone back in his pocket and turned his back to the girls who had moved on from the subject of his love life and to the subject of what they were going to do for their date tonight. Jeremy listened to them argue until he hit the threshold of the porch door and then broke off into a not so subtle run towards the stairs.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo this chapter is short as hell and it sucks but i havent posted anything in over a week so this is what happens


	17. i don't know much about guns but i, i've been shot by you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is brought to you by the french dip sandwich i had for dinner a few nights ago

 

 

 

 

**dix-sept**

_i don't know much about guns but i, i've been shot by you_

 

Jean stood in front of the small cafe, his arms crossed over his chest, and looked at the unimpressive exterior. Jeremy was beside him, nudging Jean with his shoulder, and smiling like an idiot. Jean spared Jeremy a single glance before letting out a long breath and watching it fog up in the air in front of him.

“This,” Jean said, “is your idea of a romantic french restaurant?”

Jeremy laughed and rocked back on his heels, “Well, to be fair the only french thing I actually saw on the menu was a french dip.”

Jean huffed again before raking his hand through his hair, “You are something else, Knox.”

“It does have the best yelp reviews out of everything in town,” Jeremy said, his voice becoming slightly defensive, “we can find somewhere else if you want to though, I just thought it would be nice to keep it kinda low key. I didn't mean to get your hopes up or something. Fuck, now I feel like a dick for making you think I was taking you to some grand restaurant, um, hell, let me see if I can pull up something nicer on my phone and we'll go over there instead. Shit, I hope we wouldn't need a reservation. God, I am really terrible at this.”

Jean took a step forward, suddenly finding himself out of breath as he listened to Jeremy ramble on. Jeremy's cheeks were flushed and he was chewing on his bottom lip, something Jean noticed he did when he was more anxious than usual.

“Jeremy,” Jean said softly. Jeremy didn't respond and instead pushed his head closer to his phone and used his sleeve to wipe away some of the stray snowflakes that had gathered on the screen.

“Jeremy, _mon chou,”_ Jean tried again and this time the use of another language caught Jeremy's attention. Jeremy's head turned away from his phone and he looked at Jean with his wide eyes, the blue standing out almost startlingly against the floppy black hat that covered his head and ears.

“What does that mean?” Jeremy asked with a small smile playing across his lips.

“Google it,” Jean whispered as he pulled Jeremy in close. Jean knew the answer Jeremy would find if he googled the word chou and he knew exactly how unhelpful a quick search would be in providing an accurate translation. Jean only hoped he would be around where Jeremy eventually decided to look up the phrase.

“I-” Jeremy opened his mouth to speak but Jean cut him off with a kiss. It was exhilarating, Jean had to admit, to pull Jeremy close and kiss him on the sidewalk as people moved around them and the snow fell lightly onto their shoulders. Jean's right hand ran it's way up Jeremy's back, tracing the invisible path of his spine, to the nape of Jeremy's neck where Jean threaded his fingers through the short blonde hair. They parted after a few seconds, both of them breathless with plump lips, and Jean was the first to smile.

“It is perfect,” Jean whispered, “Take me inside, it's fucking freezing out here.”

Jeremy blinked for a few seconds, standing there silently, before he broke out into a smile of his own. Jeremy reached out and took Jean's gloved hand in his own and led him forward and through the small door of the cafe.

The interior of the cafe, if Jean was pressed to describe it, was quaint. The wooden floorboards stretched across the entire room and they creaked underfoot as Jeremy led the pair of them in further. There was a small fire pit in the center of the cafe and Jean smiled as the crackling of logs played against the soft strum of music from an overhead speaker near his head. Between the intimate setting and Jeremy's hand tightly clasped to his, Jean felt that familiar warmth he'd grown so accustom to on this trip begin to fill his body again.

“Just the two of you?” The hostess asked with a smile.

“Yeah,” Jeremy nodded, “Just me and my boyfriend tonight. Mind if we sit near the fire?”

“Not at all, I'll take your drink order here,” The girl smiled, “Pick whatever table you want and I'll send someone over to take your order for food.”

Jean followed Jeremy to the table he selected after ordering them each a beer and almost crashed into him when Jeremy went to pull of his seat for him. Jeremy swatted Jean's hand away when Jean tried to pull out his own seat again.

“Stop,” Jeremy laughed, “Let me be chivalrous!”

Jean nodded and took a step back, holding his hands behind his back and waiting for Jeremy to pull out his chair for him. Jeremy smiled and made a show of it, pulling the chair out slowly and then sweeping his arm in front of him in a grand gesture. Jean laughed and flicked Jeremy on the shoulder before he sat down and waited for Jeremy to sit across from him.

“You called me your boyfriend,” Jean said after a few moments of silence as they both looked over their respective menus.

“I did,” Jeremy said with the raise of a single eyebrow, “you are my boyfriend, right?”

Jean was silent for a moment as the word weighed itself down on his shoulders. Jean never thought he'd get to this place in his life and he looked at Jeremy over the edge of his menu as if Jeremy was a hallucination, something that would be gone the second Jean adverted his eyes. Jean's eventual reply was interrupted by their server approaching.

“Have you two had enough time to look over the menu?” The server asked.

Jeremy hummed noncommittally and flicked his eyes towards Jean. Jean took another second to look over the menu and decided on his order.

“I will have the grilled chicken with asparagus,” Jean said, “And my boyfriend will have the french dip.”

Jeremy let out a startled laugh and immediately clapped his hand to his mouth and shook with laughter. The server looked between them and shrugged before scribbling down the order on his note pad and turning back towards the kitchen.

“Boyfriend, huh?” Jeremy grinned.

“ _Oui_ ,” Jean said softly before taking a sip of his beer.

Jeremy picked up his own beer and took a gulp before gently setting it back down on the table and resting his head on his hands, “I could get used to the sound of that.”

Jean smiled and averted his eyes from Jeremy, unable to process the growing feeling inside his chest, it took him a few moments to find words to speak, “I like this place, it's nice.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy said, “The view isn't so bad either.”

Jean's breath hitched and he felt his face go warm, “Why do you like doing that?”

“Doing what?” Jeremy asked.

“Saying things like that,” Jean sighed, “Things that make me unable to speak.”

Jeremy was quiet for a second before he hesitantly reached his hand across the table, “I'm sorry, do you want me to stop? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“No,” Jean quickly shook his head, “It's not...uncomfortable. It's just...no one has ever said things like this to me before. I don't know what to do sometimes, I don't know what to say. I think so many things about you, about how kind you are, and how beautiful, but sometimes I don't know how to say them or sometimes I do but I can't translate them in my head.”

Jean shook his head again as the frustration begin to well up inside him, he reached across the table and let his fingers fall into the palm of Jeremy's hand and immediately felt himself become grounded as Jeremy's hand softly closed around them.

“I think you did a pretty good job of it just now,” Jeremy smiled, “Don't feel like you need to though, Jean. This isn't some kind of competition and you don't have to meet every stupid sappy thing i say to you with one of your own.”

“I just want you to know how I feel too,” Jean whispered, “And it scares me to say it sometimes.”

Jeremy gently raised Jean's hands to his lips and kissed it softly, “It's only been a few days of us being an us. Everything doesn't have to happen at some breakneck speed and I'd rather you be happy and comfortable rather than work yourself up because you can't say find the words to say something to me.”

“OK,” Jean nodded.

Jean let out a sigh of relief at the fact he was mercifully saved by the reappearance of their server who had come back with their food. The server set two plates on the table in front of them and disappeared once again to bring them a refill on their drinks.

“That was fast,” Jeremy said as he listed his sandwich to his mouth and took a bite.

Jean watched Jeremy for a moment and smiled, “You eat like a child.”

“Shut up!” Jeremy mumbled with his mouth full of food, “Sorry, that was gross.”

“Just a bit,” Jean shrugged and began to cut his food into perfectly portioned pieces.

Jean didn't begin eating until his chicken was cut to his satisfaction and when he looked up and found Jeremy looking at him with a confused look on his face.

“Do you always do that?” Jeremy asked, “I don't know how I never noticed.”

“You were too busy trying not to look at me, I think.” Jean said, “I've done it for as long as I can remember. I think my mother used to do it for me before I ate but I am not sure. Riko used to...no, I will not talk about him here.”

Jean caught Jeremy's frown before he schooled his face back into his usual smile and it pulled at his heart.

“We didn't have a ton of money growing up so something like this was rare,” Jeremy said, indicating his plate of food, “I think we probably went out to eat maybe...three times in my entire childhood and that was only when my uncle came into town and begged my mom to let him pay for us. I'm just really appreciative of being able to be here and eat a stupidly huge sandwich with someone I care about and not have to worry about finding the cheapest thing on the menu to order so I guess that's why I look like a child.”

“Oh,” Jean said, “I didn't mean that as an offense.”

“No!” Jeremy shook his head, “I didn't say that to make you feel bad, I just felt like sharing.”

“Will...” Jean trailed off, “Will you tell me more about your family?”

Jeremy's face lit up, “I haven't really talked much about them, huh? Let's see, I have four siblings. Jack is the oldest, he's 26. Then there's me in the middle followed by Jessica who is 15 and then the twins, April and Trace, who are 10.”

“Jack, Jeremy, and Jessica,” Jean laughed, “April and Trace don't fit the trend.”

Jeremy laughed, “They were adopted when they were two, Jessica legitimately tried to talk my mom into changing their names to something with a J because she's terrible like that.”

Jean blinked, “How did I not know any of this?”

“I didn't want to overwhelm you with crazy tales of my family,” Jeremy said before taking another bite of his food, “I'd love to introduce you to them though.”

Jean smiled at the thought, he wanted to meet the woman who shaped Jeremy into the man he was today. He wanted to meet the brothers and sister who grew up with him and see how they were the same and different from each other. He wanted to be a part of the family.

“They'll love you,” Jeremy laughed for a moment before he face dropped, “I wish my dad could have met you.”

Jean opened his mouth to speak but was stopped by Jeremy's voice.

“He died when I was young, right after Jessica was born. It was rough, we struggled for years until mom saved up enough money to open her own little clothing business and then it exploded and suddenly we had money and we could actually afford to eat and I could play Exy without feeling guilty or worrying about what she was going to do without just so I could have my own racket...” Jeremy trailed off, “Sorry, I hardly ever talk about that stuff so it kinda just came out.”

Jeremy laughed nervously and Jean reached his hand across the table this time, holding an open palm or as in invitation for Jeremy. It was very obvious that these were things that Jeremy always kept inside of him so he didn't disrupt his outer persona. It was the rawest emotion that he'd ever seen on Jeremy, aside from the pure protective anger that radiated off of him the other night in the club, “You can talk to me about it, I want to know all there is to know about you. Just because I have my issues and my own darkness in my past it doesn't mean I want you to bottle up the bad things that have happened to you and hide them from me just because you think they're not as serious.”

Jeremy blinked and wiped away a stray tear from his cheek before reached out and grabbing Jean's hand, “You know,” Jeremy said with an awkward half-cry/half-laugh, “For someone who says they have a hard time finding words to say you sure know what the hell to say to make a guy feel better.”

Jean laughed, “How about a few more words?”

“What?” Jeremy smiled and squeezed Jean's hand.

“Can I come home with you for Christmas?” Jean asked.

Jeremy's eyes went wide, “Oh my god, fuck yes! Of course! I was going to offer but I thought you'd go see Renee once we were done here but...fuck, please! Yes!”

Jean laughed as he pulled their hands apart and went back to his food, “Renee is still with Allison. Allison's brother is doing much better and Stephanie is flying down to spend Christmas with the Reynolds', Allison invited me herself but I don't exactly feel comfortable staying with them in their house.”

Jeremy bit his lip, “I gladly accept being your second choice! My mom is going to be so excited that she finally gets to meet you!”

“You're not my second choice, Jeremy,” Jean shook his head, “I'd want to go home with you even if Renee wasn't with Allison.”

“Oh,” Jeremy said softly, “Thank you.”

“You're welcome,” Jean smiled, “Now eat your sandwich so we can go back to the cabin and make out with each other before we fall asleep.”

 

 


	18. my love is on fire, now burn baby burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 50% cheesy af fluff and 50% badly written smut 
> 
> enjoy

 

 

 

 

**dix-huit**

_my love is on fire, now burn baby burn_

 

 

Jean could tell something was different with the cabin by the time he and Jeremy returned from dinner. They'd only been gone a little under three hours yet in that span of time it seemed as if the entire cabin had been abandoned. Neither of the other two SUV's were parked where they were when Jean and Jeremy left and Jean could make out the tire tracks that led towards the small road that you took to the other two cabins the team had rented.

“Weird,” Jeremy shrugged, “At least that means we get more time alone.”

Jean bit back a smile at the thought and followed closely behind Jeremy as they made their way through the snow and to the door of the cabin. They took a few seconds to brush the snow off of their shoulders and bang their shoes against the side of the cabin before they went inside.

The interior of the cabin was just as abandoned as the exterior and silence filled the air. The entire living room area of the cabin was still and the only sounds that came from anywhere other than Jean and Jeremy themselves was the crackling of embers in the fire that was still burning in the fireplace.

Jeremy made his way around Jean, trailing his fingers over the small of Jean's back as he went, and stepped into the kitchen. Jeremy rummaged around for a few seconds before sticking his head back around the wall and smiling at Jean. Jean raised an eyebrow until Jeremy stepped back out into the main room now holding a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other.

“It took a second to find clean glasses,” Jeremy laughed, “As much as I'm enjoying the quiet down here I believe I was promised some kissing back in our room?”

“You were,” Jean smiled as he took a step forward. Jean reached out and hooked his finger into the collar of Jeremy shirt and pulled him closer, ghosting his lips across Jeremy's.

Jeremy let out a small sigh, his breath washing over Jean's face, “Upstairs, before everyone decided to come back.”

“Yes,” Jean said, turning and making his way towards the stairs. Because Jean was in a good mood, and because they were alone and he trusted Jeremy, Jean pulled off his shirt as they made their way up the stairs.

Jeremy let out a low groan from behind Jean as they walked, “You're evil.”

“A few more seconds, Knox.” Jean said, his voice almost breathless.

Jean dangled his shirt over the railing of the stairs and released it from his grip. Jean watched the shirt for a moment as it fell and landed on top of one of the side tables and tented over a piece of artwork that sat on top of it.

They made it to their floor a few seconds later and Jeremy was a close as he could be to Jean without touching him. Jean reached behind him and found Jeremy's belt loops and pulled him along by them. He used his free hand to open their door when they reached it and stepped inside, still pulling Jeremy. The door closed with a thud a few moments later, no doubt closed by a rear kick from Jeremy.

Jean heard the bottle of wine pop open from behind him and listened as the glasses clicked together as Jeremy sat them on the dresser and filled them. Before Jean could turn around to meet Jeremy with a smile he noticed a small white piece of paper in the middle of their bed. Jean reached out and unfolded the note and let out a loud laugh as he read it.

“What's so funny?” Jeremy asked.

Jean turned and held the note out to him, “See for yourself,”

Jeremy plucked the note from Jean's hands and shook his head as he read it out loud, “Dear lovebirds, convinced the rest of the team to party in another cabin for the night. Use your time wisely. Love, Alvarez. P.S. Laila says use protection.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes as he sat the note on the dresser next to the bottle of wine, “That was surprisingly sweet of them.”

“It was out of character for Alvarez, yes,” Jean nodded, “Laila is always sweet though.”

“True,” Jeremy agreed as he picked up both wine glasses and handed one to Jean, “Wanna make a toast?”

Jean looked at the glass in his hand like it was a puzzle he didn't know how to solve. It suddenly occurred to him as Jeremy spoke that he had never actually made a toast. It wasn't that surprising, really. There wasn't much to toast about in all his years before he'd made it to California.

“Toast to what?” Jean asked, “I've never made one before.”

Jean saw the small trace of sadness that flickered across Jeremy's face before Jeremy schooled it back into a more neutral expression. “Well,” Jeremy said, “Usually you toast to something you're thankful for or to something that makes you happy.”

“Happy?” Jean repeated, the worst still felt foreign on his tongue but the weight that it carried seemed to have lifted. It was a word he didn't use very much but it was no longer something out of the realm of possibility. With that knowledge Jean rolled around an idea in his head, he thought, maybe, he knew what he would toast to.

Jean lifted the glass in the air and angled it slightly towards Jeremy in his best attempt to copy what he'd seen in movies, “Then I'd like to toast to love.”

Jean watched cautiously as Jeremy's eyes went wide, his pupils almost blown. Jean tracked the nervous bob in Jeremy's throat as he swallowed and Jean began to panic internally. Maybe it was too soon? They'd admitted to having feelings for each other for months and just because they'd just officially acknowledged them didn't mean that Jean couldn't feel love for Jeremy. Or did it? Jean began to second guess himself and the idea that he even knew what love was. How could someone who'd never experienced love actually know how to identify it? Did he love Jeremy or just enjoy the fact that Jeremy held him, that Jeremy didn't hurt him, that Jeremy stopped when he said no?

Jean opened his mouth, ready to frantically take back what he'd just said but he was stopped by the clinking of his and Jeremy's glasses together. Jean looked up and found Jeremy's smile reflecting back at him and in that moment Jean was sure he knew what love was.

“To love,” Jeremy whispered.

Jean smiled and immediately looked back down at his glass, unable to bare the weight of Jeremy's stare any longer. He quickly raised his glass to his lips and swallowed it's contents in one quick gulp. Jean was in love. Jean was in love with Jeremy. Jeremy was in love with Jean. It was a lot to process. Jean sat his empty glass on the dresser and Jeremy's was quick to follow.

“Kiss me,” Jean whispered, the words coming out more pleading than he'd intended.

Jeremy wrapped his arms around Jean's waist and Jean's bare skin reacted to his touch. Every inch of skin that Jeremy came into contact with burned and Jean was more than willing to let himself feel it. With every kiss, every touch, every smile, Jeremy was burning away the sins of the past and making room for the sunlight of the future. Jeremy had cut a hole through the darkness of Jean's soul and he wanted to fill it with Jeremy's light immediately.

“I want to feel you,” Jean was breathless with his request, “all of you.”

Jeremy broke off the kiss and stepped backwards, running a hand through his messy hair. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Jean answered without hesitation, “I don't...I can't do everything,” Jean looked away from Jeremy, “I want to touch you and I want you to see me.”

“OK,” Jeremy whispered, “You take the lead.”

When Jean looked back up at Jeremy he was shirtless and standing with his arms outstretched.

Jean stepped forward and back into Jeremy's embrace and allowed Jeremy's gravity to swallow him whole. Jean reveled in the feeling of their bodies pressed together, skin on skin, and something about the moment was more than what it was the times before. Jean trailed his hand down the front of Jeremy's body, tracing his fingers through the peaks and valleys of his abs, and stopped at the waist of Jeremy's jeans.

“Can I?” Jean asked.

“Yes,” Jeremy answered, “Whatever you want.”

Jean took a deep breath and undid the button to Jeremy's jeans. The snap of the the metal reverberated off of the walls and bounced around the room until Jean could feel it in his teeth. Jeremy's head tipped backwards and Jean ran his tongue down it, stopping when he got to Jeremy's clavicle and biting down on it lightly. Jeremy's knees shook and he let out a low moan.

“I'm going to take your pants off,” Jean said and it was more for himself than it was for Jeremy. He'd never undressed anyone and he was more than terrified of doing something to Jeremy that Jeremy didn't want. He was giving him every opportunity to stop him, “Promise me you will stop if this doesn't feel good for you. I don't want to hurt you...”

“Jean,” Jeremy's whispered as his hand rose to Jean's face and traced along one of the scars that ran the length of Jean's cheekbone, “you could never hurt me. Promise me that you'll stop if you change your mind, don't force yourself to go through with something just because we've gone however far. Please.”

“I promise, _mon chou.”_ Jean said.

Jeremy laughed, “I forgot to look up what that meant.”

Jean bit back a smile and began to work Jeremy's jeans down his legs. Jeremy got them off the rest of the way, kicking himself out of them and stood still waiting for Jean to make the next move. Jean took a step back and looked at Jeremy. He'd seem him in the locker room with less clothes on but never like this. Jean counted the freckles on Jeremy's body, followed the sparse trail of hair from his midsection to the band of his briefs, and took more than a few seconds to study the bulge beneath the same material.

“ _Tu es beau_ ,” Jean smiled, “You are beautiful.”

“Hush,” Jeremy blushed.

Jean swallowed and took a few seconds to decide what he wanted to do next. When he came to a decision he met Jeremy's blue eyes, “I want you to take mine off.”

Jeremy nodded and stepped forward. Jean held his gaze the entire time as Jeremy's hands found the button to his jeans and undid it. Jeremy smiled at him softly as he took the zipper in his hands and began to work it down and took a step back to allow Jean to take his jeans off himself. Jean hesitated for a moment, just to make sure he still wanted this, and bent down to pull his legs out of his pants.

They stood facing each other, both hard and almost naked, and Jean was the first to bridge the gap once again. Jean pulled Jeremy in for another kiss, letting his tongue slip into Jeremy's mouth and taste the ghost of the wine in it.

“I want to see all of you,” Jean said and Jeremy spoke his answer into Jean's mouth.

Jeremy fell back onto the bed and arched his back as he pulled his briefs off and Jean was struck breathless at the sight of Jeremy laying in front of him. Jean never through he'd want to see someone in this position but it was hard to argue with the beauty of a naked Jeremy Knox laying sprawled out and waiting.

“I'm going to take mine off,” Jean whispered, “I want you to see me but...not touch me.”

“Ok,” Jeremy said as he sat up and braced himself on his elbows. He wasn't touching himself and it made Jean feel a bit better about the situation.

Jean took a step back before he slid out of his boxers, closing his eyes in embarrassment and slight uncertain fear at the through of Jeremy looking at him like that.

“You're beautiful,” Jeremy said and Jean could hear the smile in his voice, “Every inch of you.”

Jean's nerves settled and he opened his eyes to find Jeremy still looking at him with a smile on his face.

“Thank you,” Jeremy said softly.

“No,” Jean shook his head as he lowered himself onto the bed next to Jeremy, “Thank you.”

Jean leaned in and kissed Jeremy again. It was softer, more tender and less frantic than it was before. It was the kind of kiss Jean never expected to have. A kiss that signified trust and something more than just sex.

Jean splayed his hand across Jeremy's chest and began to rub circles into it. Jeremy braced his own hands behind his head, trapping them under his weight so he was unable to touch Jean and that action alone made Jean comfortable enough to let his hand travel lower. Jeremy's breath hitched as Jean's hand wrapped around him and began to slowly stroke.

“Is this OK?” Jean asked.

“Yes,” Jeremy said between gasps, “more than OK. Anything is OK.”

“Anything?” Jean asked.

“Anything you want,” Jeremy said, gasping out a moan as Jean began to pick of the pace, “I trust you.”

“I...I'm going to climb on top of you.” Jean said, he needed to make sure Jeremy knew what was going to happen, even if it was just for his own peace of mind.

“OK,” Jeremy nodded.

Jean took a moment to work out the logistics before he rolled on top of Jeremy, both of his legs bracing themselves on either side of Jeremy. He lowered himself down so both of their cocks were touching and Jean let out a surprised gasp at how good the contact felt.

“Can I kiss you?” Jeremy asked with his hands still pinned behind his own head.

Jean answered Jeremy with a kiss and opened his mouth to allow Jeremy's tongue inside. They moaned in tandem as Jean wrapped his hands around both of their cocks and slowly began to move his hand up and down. Jean felt slightly overwhelmed at the warm feeling between him and Jeremy. He expected some bit of fear regardless of who he was with but he was not ready for the absence of that. In the place of the imagined fear there was an almost overwhelming sense of trust and pleasure.

Jean began to rock his hips forward in time with his hand. Jean's mouth broke off from Jeremy's and he cradled his head in Jeremy's neck, kissing, licking, and sucking bruises into the tender skin at random intervals. Jean began to moan louder, surprising both of them and Jeremy eventually met him in volume. As they both got closer they lost all sense of discreetness and were repeating each others names like a prayer.

Jeremy came first with a shout of Jean's name on his lips and Jean followed seconds later with a muttered sob. Jean collapsed on Jeremy's body and they both lay there for a moment, panting and desperate for air. Jean rolled off of Jeremy and settled in beside him, finally allowing Jeremy to touch him.

Jeremy ran his fingers up Jean's arm, tracing the scars there and they both moved their heads to look at each other across the mattress with a smile. Jeremy's fingers made their way back down to Jean's and and fit themselves in between the open spaces. Jean looked at Jeremy and was unable to force the smile off of his face. He couldn't speak. The moment was too big for words.

Jean closed his hand around Jeremy's and shut his eyes, content to lay silent in the stillness of the moment next to the man that he trusted completely. The man that he was in love with.

 


	19. i know now, you're my only hope

**dix-neuf**

_i know now, you’re my only hope_

Jean absentmindedly played with the hems of his sleeves as Jeremy’s truck wound its way up the California mountainside towards his family home. Jean was a bundle of nerves, cut open and exposed under a blinding white light and had been every since they'd returned from the Trojan team trip and almost immediately left from the airport in the directions of Jeremy's home. Jean was not the kind of person you took home to meet your family, Jean was a volatile scarred shell that was filled with hostile energy and he could already picture himself flinching away from the hugs of Jeremy’s mother and siblings, rejecting the warm touch of the people close to Jeremy and leading to hushed late night talks about how Jean didn’t deserve Jeremy and that Jeremy deserved to be with someone who was normal.

“Hey,” Jeremy said softly, “get out of your head.”

Jean blinked back into awareness and turned his head slowly to look at Jeremy. Jeremy’s eyes were still on the road though they were obscured from Jean’s view by the silver aviators that were balanced on Jeremy’s nose. Jean had to wonder how Jeremy could read him so easily while still maintaining a focus on the road.

“Pay attention to the road,” Jean snapped, “I do not want to be a sad headline. _Exy Players Die In Fiery Crash After Careening Off Mountainside_.”

Jeremy scoffed, “I don’t need to look at you to be able to feel the energy you’re giving off. Stop worrying, mom is going to love you.”

Jean turned his head back to stare out the passenger side window, “Just your mother?”

Jeremy paused for a moment, “Mom will love you instantly. Jack will come around after he gives you the ‘don’t hurt my baby brother or I’ll make you pay’ speech.”

It was Jean’s turn to scoff, “I’d like to see him try.”

Jean jumped in surprise as Jeremy lightly flicked him in the shoulder before he spoke, “Jack tries his hardest to fill the dad shaped hole in the family. He means well…”

Jeremy trailed off and Jean turned his head to find Jeremy’s smile now replaced by a small frown. Before Jeremy could pick up his sentence Jean finished it for him, “But he can never replace him.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy said, his voice rough, “Anyway, Jessica will probably be a sarcastic asshole. Actually, you two will probably get along just fine.”

Jean rolled his eyes at Jeremy’s wry smile and flicked him in the shoulder.

Jeremy barked out a laugh, “April and Trace will love you right out of the gate but they’re ten years old so that’s kinda to be expected.”

Jean chewed on his bottom lip, “I would not be so sure. Children do not seem to like me. I scare them. The last time I was at the store without you a little girl saw me and her eyes lingered on my scars and she started crying and ran away screaming…it’s not the first time that has happened.”

“What the fuck?” Jeremy whispered, “Why the hell didn’t you tell me about this?”

“It wasn’t important. I’m used to it.”

One of Jeremy’s hands left the wheel and fell into the open space on the seat between them. Jean took it for the invitation that it was and let his hand slowly drift towards Jeremy’s and threaded their fingers together. Jeremy gave Jean’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Everything about you is important to me, don’t you dare forget that.” Jeremy’s voice was rough and Jean could feel the barely masked anger that was directed at the world, “You are not some monster that little kids run and hide from. That little girl was an asshole.”

A laugh was startled out a Jean and he shook his head in disbelief, “That was not a very Jeremy Knox thing to say. She was just a child.”

“So?” Jeremy snapped, “She was an _asshole_ child.”

Jean laughed again, “You anger is appreciated but not needed.”

“Someone has to be angry!” Jeremy snapped again, “I hate that you think something like that is normal! I hate that you’ve accepted this terrible version of yourself and I know that there’s reasons for it but god, I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. I wish you could see what my mother is going to see when she sees you.”

Jean’s throat tightened and all he could do was blink as he looked at Jeremy and studied the intensity that had settled upon him. It always took Jean aback when Jeremy so fiercely defended him but this was something more than Jean could ever remember seeing. In a way, it was even stronger than when he’d punched the guy in the bar back on the trojan trip.

“I…” Jean’s voice broke and it took him a second to find the words he wanted to speak, “It is hard for me, yes. But I am trying, I am trying to let myself believe that I deserve better.”

Jean watched Jeremy’s throat bob as he swallowed hard, “Sorry, I…this subject just means a lot to me.”

Jeremy laughed awkwardly and squeezed Jean’s hand a final time before unthreading their fingers and running his hand through his hair before grasping the wheel and weaving the car through a particularly sharp turn.

Jean’s next question came out as a whisper, “What do you see when you look at me?”

It was a question that had been at the forefront of his mind since he and Jeremy started being _he and Jeremy._ Realistically, Jean knew he was, scars aside, reasonably attractive. He had a nice body thanks to Exy and all the training it required, he’d been complimented on his eyes no less than a thousand times since arriving in California, and he’d been told that his face was symmetrical and he had cheekbones to die for. Whatever any of that meant. But when Jeremy said the words he said it all rang deeper than just physical appearance. Jean knew that Jeremy wasn’t in this for sex, or just because Jean was attractive and that was what puzzled him most of all. The only thing Jean had to offer for most of his life was his body, for sports and for…Jean immediately halted that dangerous line of thinking and turned back to Jeremy.

Jeremy didn’t speak for a few minutes and the silence was beginning to deafen Jean. Jean opened his mouth to prompt Jeremy further and Jeremy smiled and held up a single finger and pressed it against Jean’s lips.

“Just wait,” Jeremy smiled, “I’ll tell you in a minute.”

So Jean waited. He waited in silence and concentrated on anything he possibly could, tracking the trees and birds outside of the window, counting the number of miles that were left to their destination, and focusing on the soft music that tumbled out of the radio. The minutes flew past and suddenly the trust was slowing and Jean picked up the clicking of Jeremy’s turn signal. The truck sat in the middle of the road and waited for a small line of cars to dive past before Jeremy turned it into a small graveled parking lot and slowed to a stop.

“C’mon,” Jeremy said, finally looking at Jean with that blinding smile on his face, “Let’s go.”

Jean furrowed his brow and watched Jeremy as he rounded the front of the truck and came to a stop at Jean’s door, opening it and holding out a hand for Jean to take. Jean shook his head, used to Jeremy’s impromptu stops by now, and lowered himself out of the truck and took Jeremy’s hand in his.

“What are we doing?” Jean asked as Jeremy led him towards a small trail between the trees.

“You’ll see,” Jeremy smiled, bouncing in excitement like a small child and pulling Jean onto the small path.

Jean let Jeremy lead him and took a moment to look at the world around him. The air was fresh in the mountains and he breathed it in deeply, letting the sweet smell of the trees around him fill his lungs. The weather was perfect, especially after a week of freezing temperatures and snow. The tall grass bristled Jean’s exposed legs as they moved hurriedly towards an open clearing.

Jeremy stepped into the clearing first and unhooked his hand from Jean’s and stepped to the side and waved Jean forward. When Jean’s eyes fell onto the sight in front of him he gasped and stood frozen in place.

“ _Mon Dieu_ ,” Jean whispered.

Jeremy disappeared from Jean’s peripheral vision and Jean only became aware of him again when he felt Jeremy’s arms snake around his waist from behind.

“You asked me what I see when I look at you.” Jeremy whispered.

Jean was struck speechless as he looked over across the vista that sat in front of him. He and Jeremy were standing on the edge of a large cliff that overlooked a sweeping valley. The city sat just off into the distance, almost invisible unless you knew where to look for it. The valley swept out almost as far as Jean could see and the lush green leaves of trees who were stubbornly holding out on changing colors swirled with the yellow and orange leaves that had given themselves over to the change.

A small river cut through the trees and wound its way through the valley and towards the city. The sunlight reflected off it’s still waters and glittered through the air as a gentle breeze blew through the valley and filled the air with the gentle sounds of rustling leaves.

The sky above them stretched on for days and the blue melded seamlessly with the other colors of the valley. The white clouds moved through the sky at a slow pace as if they were taking their time to look at the beauty below them just as Jean was.

“This is what I see.” Jeremy said, his lips pressed against Jean’s neck, “When I look at you I see everything.”

Jean swallowed the lump in his throat and begrudgingly pulled his view away from the vast expanse of beauty in front of him and turned in Jeremy’s grip to face him. It was a wonderful trade off, Jean decided, because the beauty of the valley paled in comparison to the look on Jeremy Knox’s face.

“I don’t…” Jean stopped himself from delivering his self-deprecating line. _I don’t deserve to be compared to this._

Jeremy pulled Jean in close and pressed a kiss to his lips. It was a soft kiss, lingering and slow in all the right ways that set Jean’s synapses firing.

“When I look at you I see someone who is stronger than I could ever be. I see someone who has fought for his life and is trying so hard to be happy. I see your beautiful eyes and your soft smile. I see someone who, even though he’s been terribly hurt, still didn’t give up. I see someone who deserves all the happiness in the world. If you think that I’m the sun then you Jean…you’re the moon.”

Jean pulled in a small breath and absorbed Jeremy’s words. Jeremy was the sun, he made Jean feel warm and safe, he breathed life into him and helped him grow. But could Jean really be the moon to Jeremy’s sun?

The moon that provided light in the dark. The moon that, even though it is two times smaller than the sun, has such a profound effect on the earth.

“ _Mon soleil_ ,” Jean whispered and let his forehead rest against Jeremy’s.

Jeremy’s breath was warm on Jean’s face as he whispered back, “ _Ma lune_.”

Jean’s eyes went wide and he was filled with an intense need to pull Jeremy even closer than was physically possibly at the moment. Jean settled for sliding his hands down Jeremy’s back and griping Jeremy by the back of his thighs and lifting Jeremy up into his arms.

Jeremy let out a surprised laugh but wrapped his legs around Jean’s waist the second that his legs left the ground. Jean took a few steps forward until Jeremy’s back rest against the trunk of a tree and he leaned in for a kiss.

The kiss was interrupted by a buzzing in Jeremy’s pocket.

“Someone is excited,” Jean said wryly as he nipped Jeremy’s lower lip.

Jeremy laughed and tipped his head back as he left out a breathless moan. The moment was interrupted by another buzz from Jeremy’s phone followed by the familiar ring tone that Jean knew was specifically set for Jeremy’s mother. Jean sat Jeremy’s feet back onto the ground with a pout and watched as Jeremy fished his phone out of his pocket and answered it.

“Hey mom,” Jeremy said, slightly out of breath as he ran a hand through his hair.

“No, yeah, we’re fine,” Jeremy said as he looked up at Jean and winked, “Yeah, we’ll be there by lunch time, we just stopped to…check something out.”

Jean smiled at the redness that crept its way up Jeremy’s cheek as he spoke to his mother.

“OK, Love you too. Yeah, I’ll tell him,” Jeremy paused and looked at Jean, “My mom says she’s excited to have you.”

Jean’s stomach flipped, “I…tell her I said thank you.”

Jeremy smiled into the phone, “Jean says thank you. Yeah, he’s pretty great. Ok, see you in a bit, bye.”

Jeremy was still smiling as he pushed his phone back into his pocket.

“As much as I’d love to continue that previous activity, I’m pretty sure mom will send out a search party if we’re not there in the next half hour.”

Jean nodded and pulled Jeremy close for one final kiss.

As they broke apart Jean lightly pushed Jeremy back towards the small pathway that led back to the parking lot.

“Lead the way.”

 

 

 

 

 


	20. i’ll be home for christmas, you can plan on me

 

 

 

 

**vingt**

_i’ll be home for christmas, you can plan on me_

Jeremy followed the familiar curves of the driveway that led to his childhood home. He was already filled with such a sense of warmth, it was the same feeling that he felt whenever he came home to visit, but there was something more this time. Having Jean with him was like some kind of amplifier for every happy thought in his head. He couldn’t believe how fucking lucky he was that he was getting to take Jean home to meet his family.

Jeremy slipped one hand off the wheel and let it fall into the space between himself and Jean, holding it open in an invitation, “You still nervous?”

Jean lifted his head from where it rested against the window and Jeremy had to bite back a smile at the small red mark on his forehead from the pressure of skin against glass.

Jean’s hand easily fit on top of Jeremy and Jean hummed as their fingers locked together, “I am…not nervous. I am scared.”

Jeremy frowned, “Scared?”

“ _Oui_ ,” Jean nodded, “Scared of the unknown. I don’t know what to do or say. I don’t know how to act around people.”

“That’s easy, just be yourself!” Jeremy smiled and gave Jean’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

“I do not think you’d want me to traumatize your younger siblings,” Jean huffed out a sound that could have been a laugh.

Jeremy rolled his eyes, “You’re really not as scary as you’d like to think you are.”

“Oh really?” Jean said, his voice low.

“Yes, really.” Jeremy winked while still looking at the road, “You’re a teddy bear, Jean Moreau.”

Jean reached over and tapped the side of Jeremy’s head and Jeremy slowed the car to a stop, unwilling to take his eyes off of the road in a moving vehicle, and then turned to meet Jean’s face. Jean’s face was flat for a moment but he quickly narrowed his eyes and gave Jeremy his best scowl.

“Sorry, babe,” Jeremy grinned, “You still look pretty fluffy to me.”

Jean glared, “Jeremy Knox, I am not fluffy!”

Jeremy bit his lip as Jean bared his teeth and attempted some sort of snarl. All Jeremy could think was how much it reminded him of an angry puppy. Jeremy shook his head and leaned forward to press a kiss to Jean’s lips. Jean’s snarl melted away and was replaced with his barely there line of a smile, the smile that Jeremy loved about Jean more than anything.

Jeremy reached down to put the truck in park before unbuckling his seat belt and moving back towards the driver’s side door. Jean saw the invitation for what it was and undid his belt as well and crawled towards Jeremy.

Jeremy could feel Jean’s breath on his neck as he kissed lower. The warmth sent waves through his body as Jean’s teeth sunk into the soft skin of Jeremy’s neck and Jeremy felt his body shudder.

“You’re OK with that, right?” Jeremy asked in a sudden moment of clarity.

“With what?” Jean asked between kissed.

“Biting my neck…” Jeremy trailed off, it was certainly killing the mood but Jeremy had to double check. Jean had said out right that he didn’t like being bitten but he made no protests about doing it to Jeremy and Jeremy could have kicked himself for not checking sooner.

“Of course,” Jean said softly, “You like it so I like doing it to you. I would not do anything I didn’t want to do.”

Jeremy slid his hand under Jean’s chin and pulled his away from his neck. Their eyes were level and Jeremy was searching for any hint of apprehension in Jean’s eyes. It wasn’t that Jeremy didn’t trust Jean to know his own boundaries, it was that if there was anything that Jeremy had learned about Jean it was that Jean sometimes pushed himself more than he intended to in order to overcome something in his head.

“Jeremy,” Jean whispered, “I promise you, it is fine.”

Jeremy swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled Jean close enough to kiss him. It was a light kiss, almost a feather touch of lips against each other, but it was more intimate than anything that came before it. Jean sighed into Jeremy’s mouth before opening and allowing Jeremy’s tongue inside.

Jeremy reached down and adjusted the seat, pushing it back as far as he could and reclining it so Jean could crawl on top of him. A few moments later Jean was on Jeremy’s lap and Jeremy’s hands were snaking their way up Jean’s back towards his messy hair. They were both almost unbearably hard but neither made a move lower than the others waist, content to just revel in the closeness of their clothed bodies and the warmth of each other’s kisses.  

A sharp tapping sound came from the driver’s side window and they both froze. Jean’s body went rigid and Jeremy’s hands didn’t move an inch from where they rested on the outer part of Jean’s thighs. The only sound in the air was their shared breathing and of gravel crunching outside the door.

“Hey, baby brother, think you could wrap this up?” Jack, his brother’s voice, laughed from outside, “Your truck is blocking the way to the house and mom has already texted like ten times asking where we are.”

Jean coughed awkwardly and crawled off of Jeremy’s moving himself quickly back to the passenger’s side and buckling his seat belt. Jeremy took a moment to collect himself before reaching down and readjusting his seat back to the correct position for driving.

Jeremy caught Jack’s eye as he put the car back into drive. Jack was smiling and flashed Jeremy a thumbs up before Jeremy drove away. Jeremy rolled down his window, sticking his hand out and giving his brother the finger as they went.

“I told you I would make a bad first impression,” Jean sighed.

Jeremy rolled his eyes, “Trust me, mom has caught Jack doing far worse things than making out in his car.”

“Oh?” Jean laughed.

“God,” Jeremy shook his head as he recalled a specific memory, “One time, I was probably like 12 or something but mom was out late one night and Jack was supposed to be watching me and Jessica except instead he decided to invite two of his friends over. Both girls. And mom came home early and found me asleep on the couch covered in icing and Jessica playing in the laundry room making animals out of soap bubbles.”   

“Always the sweet tooth,” Jean laughed, “where was your brother?”

“That’s the worst part,” Jeremy said with a small cringe, “mom flew upstairs to his room and damn near kicked the door down and found him mid threesome.”

Jean choked, “Shut the fuck up.”

“Honest to god!” Jeremy cackled, “I can still hear the sound she made when she walked in and saw what was happening. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that mad since that night.”

“What happened next?” Jean asked.

“Jack was grounded for like a year and mom made him write a ten-page essay, complete with citations and sources, on the way women are portrayed as objects in the media and the negative ramifications it has on young girls. Then he had to read it out loud to our church.”

“Your mom is…”

“Amazing?” Jeremy smiled, “Yeah, she’s pretty fucking bad ass.”

“Am I going to have to write an essay on objectifying college sports stars?” Jean asked with a grin.

Jeremy gasped in mock shock, “Jean Moreau, I cannot believe you would objectify me! For shame!”

The house came into sight just as Jeremy finished talking and he couldn’t help the grin that overtook his face. Though everything, all their struggled as a family as he was growing up, they had always had this house. The house that his father built with his own hands, the house that held so many memories for him. The house he couldn’t wait to invite Jean into.

“We’re home.” Jeremy grinned.

 

-

 

Home.

The word never had a meaning to Jean, not until recently. Now, home was more than just a place to sleep or go after a long day.

Home was California. Home was the Trojans. Home was Sunday nights eating ice cream on Laila and Alvarez’s floor while studying for the one class they all had together. Home was the illustrious ray of human sunshine known as Jeremy Knox.

Home was a lot of things now. A lot of things that Jean had. And now he had a new thing to add to the list.

Home was this wonderful house in the mountains, built out of logs and stone and wood. Home was two stories of memories of another family, a long gravel driveway, and a garage that had windows above it. Home was a mailbox that said Knox on the front. Home was the smiling woman standing on the front porch in a yellow dress that was blowing in the wind.

“And there is the woman of the house,” Jeremy said with a larger than normal grin on his face as they walked forward, “Jean, meet my mom, Elizabeth Knox!”

Jean!” Elizabeth stepped forward with the same grin on her face as Jeremy, “I’m so glad to finally meet you, Jeremy just will not shut up about you.”

“Oh?” Jean said softly, angling his head away from both of them so they wouldn’t see the rising flush on his cheeks, “I have heard a lot about you as well, Miss Knox.”

“So polite.” Elizabeth smiled, “But please, call me Beth.”

“I…uh,” Jean stammered, “OK…Beth.”

Beth smiled and turned her attention to Jeremy, swallowing him up into a hug. She let out an excited squeal as Jeremy lifted her off the ground and spun her in a circle. Jean made a note of how Beth didn’t try to hug him and he wondered if Jeremy had said anything to her ahead of time.

“Put me down!” Beth laughed, “You act like we didn’t just see each other a few months ago!”

“I still missed you, mom.” Jeremy laughed as he sat her back on the ground, “Jack should be right behind us.”

Jean coughed and quickly picked up his and Jeremy’s bags from their place on the ground in an effort to make it inside before Jeremy’s brother arrived.

“Jer, show Jean to your room so you can both get unpacked, I’ll wait here for Jack. Jessica and the twins should be back in a little bit, I sent them down to the store to get me a few more things for dinner.”

Beth smiled at them both as they made their way around her and into the house. Jean was immediately struck by how warm and inviting the interior was. The wooden floors creaked underneath as they walked towards the stairs and dozens of pictures were scattered about in frames, pictures Jean would need to study very thoroughly at some point in the future.

“My room is above the garage,” Jeremy said, “it’s a bit more private and cut off from the rest of the house. More of a little apartment, really.”

Jean was silently thankful for that fact; his biggest worry was waking up from a nightmare screaming and waking the entire house.

“It was Jack’s room but I stole it from him when he moved out and I refuse to give it back to him.” Jeremy laughed.

“Why didn’t your sister take it when you left?” Jean asked as he fell into step next to Jeremy.

“I offered it to her,” Jeremy shrugged, “Her exact words were ‘You are insane if you think I would willingly take a room two teenage boys have lived in.’”

“True,” Jean shrugged.

“Don’t worry, I got a new bed when I moved into it. No left over threesome residue.” Jeremy laughed as he shouldered Jean.

Jean shuddered, “Good.”

Jeremy led Jean up the stairs and to the smaller hallway. At the end of the hallway the door that led to Jeremy’s room was ajar and Jeremy pushed it fully open with a smile and motioned for Jean to follow him inside.

The room was warm and spacious, close to the size of their large living room in their suite together back at USC. The queen size bed sat in the middle of the room, pushed flush against the back wall with two child sized Exy racquets hung above the headboard, one blue and one red. One wall was dedicated entirely to bookshelves that housed what had to be hundreds of books, all obviously well read and old. The opposite wall was adorned with posters of musical artists Jean had never heard of and shelves that were lined with various athletic trophies and ribbons.  

It was all very Jeremy Knox and Jean immediately felt it. Home.

Jean dropped their bags on the floor at the same time that Jeremy flung himself face first onto the bed, spreading out his arms and legs and almost hugging the thing.

“I’ve missed you so much, bed!” Jeremy groaned and rolled onto his side.

Jean scoffed, “Would you like me to give you two a moment alone.”

Jeremy looked up at Jean and licked his lips, “Actually, yes. That would be nice.”

Jean rolled his eyes and moved to turn around and head for the door but Jeremy reached out and lightly hooked a single finger under Jean’s long sleeve, “I was kidding, you dweeb.”

“I do not even know what they word means,” Jean huffed, “I don’t even think it is a word.”

Jeremy laughed and pulled Jean down next to him, “Dweeb is totally a word!”

“Mhm,” Jean hummed, ‘if you say so.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes, “Stop being a dweeb, dweeb.”

Jean blew on Jeremy’s nose to annoy him and Jeremy, predicable, wrinkled his face and tried to turn away with a laugh. Jean pulled Jeremy closer and kissed him on the forehead.

“Thank you for brining me.”

Jeremy stilled for a moment and then smiled, “Thank you for coming.”

Jean kissed Jeremy again.

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”


	21. the lush life’s giving me a rush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter: the Knox clan

 

 

 

 

 

**vingt et un**

_the lush life’s giving me a rush_

Jeremy’s hand was a solid presence on the small of Jean’s back as they made their way down the staircase from Jeremy’s bedroom and back into the main house. Jean wasn’t sure who Jeremy was trying to comfort more out of the two of them but he wasn’t going to complain, Jeremy’s touch grounded him into the moment and whenever his head felt like it was going to swell with the overwhelming prospect of meeting the entire Knox clan, all Jean had to do was focus solely on the firm presence of Jeremy’s hand to ground himself back in the moment.

“Ah, Jeremy,” Beth Knox gave them both a knowing grin as they rounded the corner, “Jack was just filling me in on his run in with you further down the drive.”

Jean’s stomach flipped and he instantly felt his face heat up. When he risked a glance towards Jeremy he was relieved to find Jeremy’s face flushed as well.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” Jeremy said awkwardly, “I’ve been telling you for years that I think he’s a pathological liar.”

Jack Knox rolled his eyes, “I guess it’s a good thing I had the forethought to snap a little picture then, huh?”

Jeremy’s eyes widened, “You did not.”

“Oh, little brother,” Jack laughed, “I so, _so_ did. You two were going at it.”

Jean watched in abject horror as Jack pulled out his phone and held it up towards them. He’d changed his background to a photo of Jean on Jeremy’s lap, their lips pressed together, and Jeremy’s hand tangled in Jean’s hair.

Beth shook her head but there was an unmistakable smile on her face.

“I am literally going to kill you.” Jeremy whispered.

Jack’s grin only grew wider, “You’ll have to catch me first.”

Jeremy lunged forward before Jean could even register what was happened. One moment, Jeremy was next to him. The next, Jeremy was a few yards away, sprinting out the front door after his brother who already had a healthy head start.

Jean was vaguely reminded of an American cartoon he’d seen a few times, he just wasn’t sure if Jeremy was the bird character or the coyote character.

Beth sighed, put upon, “They’re like this every time they get together.”

Jean found no use in hiding his smile as he watched two grown men chasing each other in a circle just outside the door, “Who normally wins?”

Beth sighed, though the smile was still playing at the edges of her mouth, “When they’re like this, we all lose.”

Jean awkwardly kicked at the carpet in front of him before looking back up at Beth, “I am…uh…sorry. For the photo.”

Beth smiled and took a step forward, Jean expected her to place a hand on his shoulder or something but she stopped just short of it, “Jean, I’ve lived in a house with two teenage boys, I’ve seen and heard much worse than one of them making out with someone in the car.”

Jean laughed and gave her the best imitation of a genuine smile. Beth winked at him.

“Do me a favor and go drag them inside, yeah? I want them out of the driveway before Jessica gets back, with how she drives sometimes she’s liable to just run them both over if they’re in her way and I’d prefer for the twins to not see their brothers acting like fools.”

Jean nodded and was suddenly most interested to meet to meet Jeremy’s younger sister.

Beth smiled as she went, saying something about being in the kitchen if the boys proved too much for him, and Jean watched for one second to make a note of which room she went into just in case he did need her help.

When Jean turned his attention back towards the action outside he was a little shocked to see both brothers still going at it. Jack still had a lead on Jeremy, but Jeremy was the captain of a class one sports team and was closing the distance between them in record time. Jeremy was moving with all the ferocity he moved with on the court, his intensity only matched by his wild passion.

Jean sighed and made his way back out the front porch, stopping to stretch at the top step before breaking out into a run of his own. He had his sights set on Jeremy, his mark, and he closed the distance between them in a short span.

Jean had always been faster than Jeremy, even back when he came to California as a husk of a person, he still had his speed. Jeremy had more muscle on him, bronze, glorious muscle, but Jean had his speed and his height and he was determined to put it to good use.

Jean felt the wind blow through his hair as he ran, he took in the scent of the mountains around him and the color of the blue sky above him, the feeling of freedom as the leaves crunched beneath his feet.

Jeremy was close now, close enough for Jean to touch. Jeremy let out a surprised yelp as Jean’s hands made contact with him and Jean smiled as he scooped Jeremy up in his arms.

“What the?” Was all Jeremy managed to gasp out in surprise before he and Jean were tumbling to the ground, rolling through dirt and sticks and leaves.

Jean couldn’t help himself when he saw the look of bewilderment on Jeremy’s face, he let out a burst of laughter that felt so foreign to his own ears. Jean could never remember a time in his life that he’d laughed like that. Sure, he chuckled occasionally at one of Jeremy’s more wild antics, or something utterly insane that Alvarez would say. But a full body, intense laugh? Never.

Jeremy must have realized it to because his face slowly stretched into one of the biggest grins Jean had ever seen. Jeremy’s teeth were blindingly white and his blue eyes were focused only on him, “You’re laughing.”

“At you,” Jean rolled his eyes, “you’re acting like a child.”

“You like it,” Jeremy grinned before leaning down to kiss him.

Jean fell into Jeremy’s lips with a practiced ease, parting his own and allowing Jeremy to slot himself closer.

A sharp cough from above drew both of their attention at once and Jean opened his eyes to find Jack standing near them, hunched forward with his hands on his knees and his bangs plastered to his forehead with sweat, “Get a room.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes as he rose from the ground with a hand extended to help Jean but his reply was cut off by the honking of a horn a few feet away. Jean accepted Jeremy’s hand and allowed Jeremy to pull him up before he craned his neck around a nearby tree to see a short blonde girl leaning against a dust covered white jeep.

“Do I even want to know?” She called out from across the driveway.

“Jess!” Jeremy yelled before bounding across the driveway and scooping the girl up in his arms. Jeremy spun her around in a circle in much the same way he did his mother.

“Oh my god,” Jessica said, fake gagging as she spoke, “you’re disgusting! Put me down!”

Jack fell in next to Jean and startled him slightly when he spoke, “That is the greeting Jessica gets but I get chased around the yard and threatened within an inch of my life. Typical.”

Jean couldn’t resist a playful barb, “Maybe Jeremy would have hugged you if you didn’t try to embarrass him before saying hello.”

Jean was more than a little satisfied in walking away with a slightly flustered Jack in his wake.

“Jean!” Jeremy beamed, “Come meet Jessica!”

“So many J’s,” Jessica laughed, “Nice to meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Jean huffed out a breathless laugh, “Nothing good, I’m sure.”

“Tall, dark, and handsome. A little intense.” Jessica eyed him up and down as if she was sizing him up, “Seems to check out so far.”

Jean raised a single eyebrow, suddenly aware he was letting himself be appraised by a teenager, “Jeremy did not tell me you were so short.”

Jeremy barked out a laugh, “Savage.”

“Quiet,” Jean rolled his eyes, “you’re not much taller.”

Jessica grinned, “Oh, I like him.”

All Jeremy seemed to be able to do was frown. Jean leaned down and kissed him on his forehead, it was so easy for Jean to tease Jeremy about the few inches of height between them.

“Is everyone alive?” Beth’s head popped out of the door, “I don’t see any blood but that doesn’t mean someone isn’t bleeding internally.”

Jessica perked up at the mention of blood, “Did I miss a fight? I always miss the fights!”

“No fight,” Jack sighed, “Jean here took care of Jeremy before he could lay a finger on me.”

Jeremy turned and glared at his brother, “There’s still time, dickwad.”

“Mom, Jeremy said a bad word!” A small voice rang out from behind Beth.

“I heard,” Beth said with an exaggerated smile, “I’ll make sure he puts some money in the swear jar.”

“Swear jar?” Jean echoed.

“It’s a jar. That you put money in. When you swear.” Jessica said.

“How very…American.”

Beth smiled and Jeremy only let out a sigh, Jean figured Jeremy was used to him disparaging comments on odd American culture by now.

“You know what to do, Jer!” The same small voice from a few moments before said.

Jean looked down and saw the voice belonged to a small Asian boy whose dark hair was sticking up every which way. The boy held a jar in his hand that was filled to the brim with dollar bills and waggled it in Jeremy’s direction.

“Seriously?” Jeremy’s jaw dropped, “You’re killing me, Trace.”

Ah. The twins. April and Trace. Adopted. Things suddenly made much more sense to Jean.

Jeremy relented with a sigh and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and retrieved a dollar from it and Jeremy glared down at his brother before stuffing the bill through the small opening at the top of the jar. Trace ran away immediately after, waving the jar above his head in victory.

“Where does the money go?” Jean asked, now suddenly curious. Was the jar just there as a punishment or did the money contribute to something?

“We don’t know for sure,” Jessica answered with a shrug, “my running theory is that mom gives it to him and April as a part of their allowance which is why Trace is so gung ho about it.”

“Gotta admire his hustle,” Jack laughed, “that kid is going to rule the world someday.”

Jessica laughed, “I don’t even think he noticed Jean.”

Jean cocked his head to the side. It was odd, Jean was used to being all anyone could pay attention to, less than subtle glances and outright staring, and part of him had still expected that to be the case at the Knox household. But, aside from a few moments of familial teasing, no one seemed to be second guessing Jean beyond his mere presence. No one was asking him what it was like to be a Raven, no one’s eyes lingered too long on one of the jagged scars across his cheek, no one looked at his crooked fingers and frowned.

Jean Morea was just that to the Knox family, himself.

He wondered how much of it was Jeremy speaking to them ahead of time and how much of it was just the general way the Knox’s treated other people.

Jean decided he would ask Jeremy when they were alone, if only just to quell his curiosity.

Jean left the confinement of his own thoughts and turned his head back to the door where he saw two identical children reappear. One was Trace and Jean could only assume that the other was April. The sight of the two of them walking step in step with each other made Jean smile. Up until that very moment the only experience Jean had ever had with twins were the Minyard twins and they were…not at all comparable to the Knox twins.

“Who are you?” The girl, April, asked.

“Hello,” Jean said in his friendliest voice possible, “my name is Jean, I’m a…friend of your brother Jeremy.”

Jean wasn’t sure how much Jeremy’s youngest siblings knew about his sexuality and he didn’t want to be the one to out him to children if that wasn’t something that was already well known.

“Your accent is funny,” April smiled, “are you Jeremy’s boyfriend?”

Jean blinked at April, he supposed that answered his own previous curiosity, “I, uh, yes. I am Jeremy’s boyfriend. And I am French, that is why my voice sounds different.”

“Oh,” April nodded, “I like it.”

“Merci,” Jean smiled, “I mean, thank you.”

Trace rolled his eyes, “We know what that means.”

“Hey!” Jeremy scolded, “Don’t be a jerk, dude!”

“Sorry,” Trace grumbled.

“It is OK.” Jean nodded, “I sometimes forget to translate things in my head and your brother does not have as well of an understanding of the French language as you do.”

That drew a smile out of Trace who stage whispered, “Jeremy isn’t as smart as he thinks he is.”

“Dude!” Jeremy groaned, “Seriously? I’m right here!”

“We know.” Trace smiled before turning away and heading back into the house.

April moved to follow him but stopped a few feet away and turned back towards Jean, “You’re tall.”

Jean nodded, it was a statement and not a question.

“Will you give me a piggyback ride later?” April asked.

Jean was taken aback, he was used to children fearing him and running from him, not children wanting him to play with them. The earnest look in April’s eyes connected with something deep inside of Jean, something Jean thought he had lost years ago among torture and abuse.

“Yes,” Jean said softly, “I would love to.”

“Cool!” April laughed as she ran back into the house, presumably to find Trace.

Jessica and Jack followed the twins shortly after and left Jeremy and Jean alone for a private moment on the porch.

“So?” Jeremy asked, “You doing OK?”

“Oui,” Jean nodded, “I am…I am better than OK.”

“They all love you.” Jeremy grinned.

“I…” Jean trailed off.

“Hey,” Jeremy said, lightly placing his hand on Jean’s arm, “don’t push yourself if you don’t want to. It’s OK to tell them to back off if you need some space, especially April.”

Jean shook his head, “No, I…I like it. It’s overwhelming but…but I like it.”

Jeremy smiled and pushed himself up on his toes to meet Jean’s lips for a brief kiss.

The moment, and the previous day, didn’t completely erase the lingering memories of how Jean spent his last Christmas, but maybe, just maybe, the memories Jean would make this year would break through the darkness.

 

 


End file.
